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Can't trust him

(23 Posts)
Aeeg558 Fri 22-Jul-16 16:20:55

Hi I'm new here and just wanted female only views on this. I live with my fiancé (since last October), he's a good man BUT he likes porn... I found out he was using it not long after I moved in and after a calm discussion he gave me his laptop to look after to avoid temptation, he also gave me his adult dvd's a few weeks later when I found them. The porn use was harming our relationship in the sense he couldn't often get or keep an erection, however since temptation was removed things improved a lot, however I've just discovered that last week while at his mum's he went online and ordered a porn film and had it delivered to her address!!!! She's coming round Sunday so I reckon she will try to pass it to him then, somehow without me seeing. I wouldn't mind so much if it didn't have such a negative impact on our sex life, what do you ladies reckon, am I being overly sensitive or should I speak to him about this (again)?

LesisMiserable Fri 22-Jul-16 16:23:20

What's the point of speaking to him about it? He likes porn and you don't really mind but it's effecting your sex life but obviously he likes it enough to carry on…so…. really… the ball is in your court. If you want to stay with him stay with him but don't ask him to be something he's not.

user1468602338 Fri 22-Jul-16 16:26:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WibblyWobblyJellyHead Fri 22-Jul-16 16:26:22

Who the fuck buys porn DVDs these days? And just ewwww at the idea of his mum colluding in this.

If he's addicted to the point where you have no sex life, then there's no point in trying to have a relationship with him.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 22-Jul-16 16:29:37

I really wouldn't bother tbh, you've discussed this-at least twice yet he still carries on. You have two options, turn a blind eye & keep the relationship or end it & find someone who cares enough to give a shit about respecting you. I know which I'd choose.

FluffyPersian Fri 22-Jul-16 16:46:59

Why bother speaking to him again?

1. You speak to him again
2. He promises not to do it
3. You find out he's done it again

And repeat... and repeat.... and repeat...

Is that OK for the next 1...5...10..20 years?

AsteroidB314 Fri 22-Jul-16 16:49:11

That is a real turn off.

I don't think you need to turn yourself inside out analysing whether or not you have the RIGHT to be indignant. Just ..... get . turned . off .

and walk away.

AnyFucker Fri 22-Jul-16 16:49:23

Any bloke that gets his mum to supply his porn needs dumping from a great height

2nds Fri 22-Jul-16 16:51:25

I agree with anyfucker.

Aeeg558 Fri 22-Jul-16 16:58:16

I highly doubt his mum knows what he ordered online, he probably told her it was something I wouldn't like and left it at that. I guess he's gone back to dvd as he doesn't have access to his computer. Unfortunately I can't just walk away as I'd be homeless, also we have been together over four years and he was single until he met me (never had a girlfriend before, too shy etc), I feel I've invested too much to just throw it away, I've got a lot of problems and he stood by me when my beloved mum got ill and eventually passed away. (By the way he only likes lesbian stuff, I don't know if that makes it worse or not!)

MsStricty Fri 22-Jul-16 17:02:56

It's not an adult relationship if you have his laptop and need to look over his shoulder. It won't be solved by being vigilant; it can only be solved either by having a frank open discussion, preferably with a therapist who specialises in porn and relationships, or by leaving. Otherwise you're both being infantilised.

magoria Fri 22-Jul-16 17:27:08

What MsStricy says.

How attractive that you have to take the mother role and take his laptop etc to stop him accessing porn like he is a teenager.

He is taking no responsibility for his actions.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 22-Jul-16 17:29:41

Don't throw more of your good years after bad...

AnyFucker Fri 22-Jul-16 17:45:18

It doesn't matter whether his mum thinks it is The Jungle Book or Debbie Does Dallas, he still got his mummy to supply his porn

AnyFucker Fri 22-Jul-16 17:48:29

And you, as his other mummy, has to confiscate his laptop to stop him doing something he could easily do himself....if he really wanted to

The women in his life have to really look out for him, don't they ?

What a turn off

0dfod Fri 22-Jul-16 17:54:11

I am sorry to say Op but the definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

It is just not going to happen, he will keep using porn as he is addicted and now his mum is an enabler.

You should not be playing gatekeeper here.

You have a choice, choose wisely.

icouldabeenacontender Fri 22-Jul-16 18:06:33

You are entering sunk costs fallacy territory here.
Put an end to it.

Cabrinha Fri 22-Jul-16 18:17:07

Why would you be homeless if you dumped the sad wanker arse?
You moved in last year.
You move out this year.
Just find another place to live confused

HumpMeBogart Fri 22-Jul-16 18:46:19

You said it yourself - you can't trust him. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. Walk away now and give yourself the opportunity for something a lot better.

smilingeyes11 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:18:02

so you invest more years on this sad excuse of a man. Google the sunk costs fallacy.

He sounds horrid and puts porn above you and his relationship. Yuck.

SandyY2K Fri 22-Jul-16 21:46:00

So from what you've said leaving him isn't an option because you'd be homeless right. Then just ignore the porn and carry on.

Perhaps next time when he's unable to get an erection, ask if he's been watching porn again. Maybe your sexual frustration (deep sigh and get out if the bed in disappointment) will make him wise up to the fact that he can't do both.

I don't have a problem with porn myself, but your man can't do both, without it affecting his performance.

Just touching on the homelessness situation. It's not a wise move to be financially dependant on another person unless your a child.

They can dish out crap and you're stuck taking their cheek and disrespect, because you have no means to put a roof over your head or feed yourself.

A very wise person once said this to me ....

Situations of financial dependency, often give rise to contempt.

Itsallaswizz Fri 22-Jul-16 21:56:52

Oh for goodness sake don't waste yourself on a loser! 4 years is nothing in the scheme of things!!! How old are you, 8? Hardly like you've spent half your life together is it? Get some self respect and get rid.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sun 24-Jul-16 20:58:41

You expressed your reasonings why you don't want him watching porn like an adult. He promised he'd stop. He hasn't. He's disrespecting you if you continue to allow this disrespect you will make a rod for your own back. Can you continue the rest of your life feeling disrespected? Your feelings not being noticed or cared about? Not having the intimacy you want in a healthy relationship?
He's broken your trust and in doing that disrespected you.

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