What do I do?

[happyne]

Hi All..... First post so please be gentle!

My Wife (49, me 52) has massively changed over the last year. Cards on the table, I love her with every fibre of my being and would do anything to make her happy. We have two amazing daughters (15 and 17) and she is an amazing mother and mentor to them. About a year ago i picked up a call on her phone from one of our daughters when she was in another room (no big deal i thought - we've never hidden phones etc from each other) and when hung up I saw a message from a guy saying how much he missed the hugs and kisses at work (she is a primary school teacher). It turns out this guy is 25 and just out of being a student. I asked her about it and she didnt deny it. Given we have been in a monogamous relationship for so long I want to put it down to perfectly understandable curiosity, but ever since then she has been pretty horrible - cursing me under her breath, Leaving flowers I bring her for the cleaner to decant, and most shamefully I find it really hard to be intimate with her as the grimaces she has on her face shame me (we used to have a vibrant and lovely intimacy), and she doles it out like a reward rather than a pleasure. Now this is all a backdrop. It's summer; she's a teacher and has defined holidays. I work in the advertising sector in a pretty senior role so have a lot of things I need to clear to book a holiday. She knows this but won't commit to a summer holiday as she says she's exhausted and will let me know when she's ready. I'm worried about letting my company, colleagues and family down, as this might be just a couple of days notice notice or something..When I try to explain this she just ignores me

Can anyone help me to know the best way of dealing with this?

Thank you so much

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I'm sorry but it sounds like she has checked out of your relationship. If she won't talk about it, there's not much you can do to fix things on your own.

I think you need to spell it out to her that this relationship is not making you happy and that she either needs to talk to you and potentially go for some counselling together if appropriate, or you need to go your separate ways.

Don't hang about waiting for her to decide that she loves you enough to stop flirting with 25 year old colleagues.

[happyne]

Thank you so much for helping me mark

Hard to hear but helpful

Have a great weekend

[Mummydummy]

Dear Mark

I'm not sure how you can endure it but rather than go on like this - if you're in a relationship you are honest and kind but lingering with negativity and disdain is cruel.

Call it and say what you need as a decent loving human being. What can she or will she give with love and respect and kindness? Expect what you deserve..

Best of luck.

[WhatTheActualFugg]

OP I think the least of your worries is your summer holidays.

Having said that, if you and your girls want a holiday and your 'd'w doesn't know when she might know when she'll be available, then I'd suggest you book the time off which is convenient to you, your colleagues and your DDs then book the holiday you want.

I'm afraid to say it sounds like she's finished with your relationship so you may as well get used to taking control of your own home and family life.

I'm so sorry for you. She sounds like a right shit. The fact that you previously found out about her affair and she didn't even attempt at denying it or excusing it I think perfectly explains to you how much respect she has for your relationship.

I think you need to book the holiday then tell her you want an answer, is she 'in' and willing to fix things, or is it over.

[Mrskeats]

This sounds an awful situation. She's been kissing someone at work and is now treating you horribly.
if the someone else is as young as you say then there could be consequences professionally too; if she was mentoring them etc. Totally unprofessional speaking as someone who works in education.
This aside I agree with others that say just sort your own holidays out and take your children away.
It might give her time to consider what she might lose ( you sound lovely btw)

[happyne]

Thank you all - you are kind and empathetic and caring and lovely and have made me feel a bit better. I will take your advice and have a lovely summer with my DD's. I hope you have a lovely summer too.

[happyne]

Thank you all for brilliant advice - I know in my heart of hearts there's no future, but I do think I can put up with it to ensure my DD's are safe, secure and in a nuclear family until they're ready to fly. My DD is not a bad or evil person at all, but after 20 odd years has probably got a bit bored (I am a boring twat at the best of times). I do have to say i had an affair 14 years ago and was the most massive arse to her - younger, cocky, world at my feet, backstage at gigs, flying around the world, celeb parties, drugs, massive drinking etc etc etc. I have never forgiven myself, and if I'm seeing things clearly neither has she. To answer the 'but why' questions and the 'but why do you put up with it' questions, I'd simply say I made my bed and by christ I am lying in it now. I left her with our young daughters while I acted out a juvenile fantasy - and yes I do know what a total twat of a bellend that makes me. My only dream is that I can get her to see my penitence and accept the possibility that I am actually the man she married.

[Mrskeats]

I don't really understand this idea that having a 'nuclear' family is the be all and end all.
Your affair was 14 years ago so I'm struggling to see the relevance to what's happened lately.
Do you think this is some kind of revenge thing? In that case I'm not sure what to suggest.

[Mummydummy]

Happyme

Don't you think after 14 years you should forgive yourself and be forgiven. I do. I am sure you have had to eat humble pie and make it up to your whole family in such a huge way. That doesn't excuse your wife's behaviour - indeed it makes it worse - she knows what it feels like and she's doing it to you.

I'm not a fan of staying together for the sake of the children - who end up getting a rotten deal knowing they are stuck in an unhappy, bitter or feuding household. As someone once said to me 'you children need two loving parents but not necessarily together.' The grown up thing to do on both your parts would be to invest in the relationship to improve it and make it work or to walk away with as much kindness and respect as you can muster. Your children are being set a terrible example of how to live life if you dont. Your wife is being unkind and cruel and immature. Why stay and make herself and you suffer?