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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Wife Changing

60 replies

happyne · 21/07/2016 22:58

Hi All..... First post so please be gentle!

My Wife (49, me 52) has massively changed over the last year. Cards on the table, I love her with every fibre of my being and would do anything to make her happy. We have two amazing daughters (15 and 17) and she is an amazing mother and mentor to them. About a year ago i picked up a call on her phone from one of our daughters when she was in another room (no big deal i thought - we've never hidden phones etc from each other) and when hung up I saw a message from a guy saying how much he missed the hugs and kisses at work (she is a primary school teacher). It turns out this guy is 25 and just out of being a student. I asked her about it and she didnt deny it. Given we have been in a monogamous relationship for so long I want to put it down to perfectly understandable curiosity, but ever since then she has been pretty horrible - cursing me under her breath, Leaving flowers I bring her for the cleaner to decant, and most shamefully I find it really hard to be intimate with her as the grimaces she has on her face shame me (we used to have a vibrant and lovely intimacy), and she doles it out like a reward rather than a pleasure. Now this is all a backdrop. It's summer; she's a teacher and has defined holidays. I work in the advertising sector in a pretty senior role so have a lot of things I need to clear to book a holiday. She knows this but won't commit to a summer holiday as she says she's exhausted and will let me know when she's ready. I'm worried about letting my company, colleagues and family down, as this might be just a couple of days notice notice or something..When I try to explain this she just ignores me

Can anyone help me to know the best way of dealing with this?

Thank you so much

OP posts:

Report

Dutchcourage · 21/07/2016 23:02

It sounds like it's dead. When your partner starts grimacing when you touch them it's time to throw the towel in.

She clearly doesn't want to go on holiday with you. Maybe she would prefer the company of the 25 year old bloke she has been cuddling up to.

😁

happyne · 21/07/2016 23:12

Hi dutchcourage.. I see what you're saying I really do, but we have so much invested in the relationship I want to try with all my might to make it work

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 21/07/2016 23:32

Is she grimacing during the ordinary course of family life - for example, if you were to put your arm around her in the kitchen?

happyne · 21/07/2016 23:35

To my utter horror, she used to be repulsed when I touched her even to the point of curling her hand into a fist if i tried to hold her hand. Better now but not ideal. Thanks for asking.

OP posts:

ButIbeingpoor · 21/07/2016 23:36

Hmm, is she having an affair or just a totally inappropriate flirtation with the 25 year old colleague? Either way it is wrong for her marriage and her career. You need to discuss this. It may be that whatever line she may have crossed you can deal with. Can she, though? Does she want to ?
If I was in your shoes I think I would want to resolve this issue before tackling the intimacy and holiday stuff. It's all part of the same thing though.
Don't let her make a fool of you. You are worth more than that. You deserve respect and she should treat you with dignity even if your relationship is ending.

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/07/2016 23:38

She has checked out. When you go on summer holidays is the least of your problems. Why would you want to be with someone who is being so horrible to you? She's a cheat and she has no respect or care for you. I'd say LTB.

cozietoesie · 21/07/2016 23:41

So your daughters would be well aware that something was wrong?

madmother1 · 21/07/2016 23:41

I threw the towel in when my exDH recoiled ftom me when I tried to cuddle him. I knew in my heart that he didn't love me. It's sad that now we are apart he actually asks for a cuddle now and then! I'm sorry you are going through this.

FolderReformedScruncher · 21/07/2016 23:44

I can't for the life of me think why you are even trying here OP. Your marriage is well in the rear view mirror or, as the old saying goes...'All over bar the shouting' . Get lawyered up and get going. You say you have invested a lot in the relationship but it has to be reciprocated for that to be relevant. I am sorry you are going through this.

PeppasNanna · 21/07/2016 23:51

Have you actually sat down & had a conversation with your wife about how you feel & the state of your marriage?

I really feel sorry for you but you need to be realistic about your situation...

happyne · 21/07/2016 23:56

Hi ButIbeingpoor

I want to believe its an inappropriate flirtation, but please understand I love her with all my heart and want above all else to treat her wu=ith respect and dignity

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 22/07/2016 00:01

It doesn't sound as if that feeling is reciprocated, though.

happyne · 22/07/2016 00:03

No it doesn't feel like it from here either but I LOVE HER... What do i do?

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SaggyNaggy · 22/07/2016 00:06

to treat her wu=ith respect and dignity

If that's the case, get to a lawyer now. Get the ball rolling, Gert yourself and her finances all split fairly, male sure tyour daughters are looked after and do it all quickly. Don't drag it on or start trying to use the divorce as some sort of punishment.

Move on, find better, take care of you and let her do the same.

Though its obviously easier said than done.

cozietoesie · 22/07/2016 00:06

Have you actually talked about the situation between you? I think you should. That might help to clarify your mind.

happyne · 22/07/2016 00:10

And yes to my utter desolation, my daughters do know...i try to reassure them that we both love them to bits but they are not stupid...they feel the atmosphere..to my wife's credit she never makes a drama in front of them but they do see my failed attempts to be a husband (hugs, hand holding,, nice interest in your day etc

OP posts:

SaggyNaggy · 22/07/2016 00:12

Begging us to tell ypou what to do is pointless. We've to?d you what to do.

There is no magic wand. there is not a single person on this, or any site, that can wave a wand and tell ypou how to get your wife to love ypu again as of seems that she doesn't love ypou anymore.
Sorry, that's harsh, bit its true.

Your life, your home, your daughters etc mean less to your wife than get her jollies with a 25 year old boy. It must be the case otherwise why would she happily risk losing it all?

The best advice, the only advice really, is see a divorce expert, get things settled, move on.

You could try relate or counselling but, and this is just my experience and reading these boards, counselling rarely works and it drags out the inevitable far longer than is necessary.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/07/2016 00:18

Well what's the point in loving someone who doesn't love you?

She doesn't love you. So ask her if she wants to fix it as you deserve to be loved too - and when she says no, you leave the relationship.

There's a fat lady singing behind you. Take note.

LockedOutOfMN · 22/07/2016 00:21

Agree with cozietoesie, you need to speak to her, if you haven't already. Tell her how you feel, and what you want for you both, then hear how she feels and what she wants.

MatrixReloaded · 22/07/2016 00:27

What consequences were there for her affair?

Did you independently verify that the affair is over ? Do they still work together ?

happyne · 22/07/2016 00:29

I really appreciate all the support and advice, but when we married I made vows that meant the world to me and were of utmost importance. I will not break those vows or indeed reposition them. They are serious to me and I will not just throw away my marriage without fighting to my last breath for my beautiful and wonderful wife ( I am also listening to Roland by Interpol so courage comes from there too!)

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chattygranny · 22/07/2016 00:30

I'm so sorry, you're obviously hurting. You have many years invested in this family unit and you love her. Have you asked her to go to counselling? At relate (and I'm sure other agencies) they are really neutral and whatever the outcome you would both have support. Even if your wife won't go to counselling you can go alone which is still beneficial; they won't tell you what to do but will enable you to find the way forward. Could the menopause be significant? Many women experience almost a personality change at that sort of age. There's plenty you can do and at least you'll feel you're doing something active about the situation. Thinking of you.

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happyne · 22/07/2016 00:33

Yes they are still working together. I do not check her phone etc (the only time was an accident) so i do not know for certain if there is anything going on but if i'm honest I totally know there is

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happyne · 22/07/2016 00:34

Bless you chatty granny..I wish there were more people like you around

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MatrixReloaded · 22/07/2016 01:42

I'm sorry to say Op that it's absolutely impossible to reconcile where there is an on going affair. You cannot nice someone out of an affair. There needs to be zero contact with this man which means your wife must find another job. That , along with access to her communications ,and marriage counselling, should have been a minimum requirement for you to even consider staying in the marriage.

I appreciate you don't want a divorce. But at the moment you don't have a marriage. It's a sham. And the longer you put up with it , the more contempt she will develop for you. Some marriages never recover from affairs. Some do. You will have more chance of saving your marriage if you are willing to lose it. The harsh reality is that the marriage you had is gone. Things will never be the same again. It sounds like you have yet to find your anger about this.

I strongly suggest you spend some time learning about affairs and the script that goes with it. All cheaters do and say the same stupid shit. Cheaters don't stop until they have to. This site talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/ should be helpful for you. You'll see what works and what does not.

I hope you know that your wife's affair is nothing to do with you. Nothing you did or didn't do caused her to be unfaithful. Cheaters cheat because of personality traits they possess. Do you have support from friends and family ? Are you eating and taking care of yourself ?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been a betrayed spouse myself and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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