Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help guys! I'm at an absolute loss with life atm! Feel like giving up

(22 Posts)
Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 11:16:18

Okay guys here goes this is a little long so please bear with me and thank you for your patience.
A little history. Im a young mum of 3 and another on the way.. I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 15 with my first free childrens father.
I in the mist of all that suffered a nasty heart Infection resulting in me nearly loosing my life. I had open heart surgery to save me. I now have a mechanical valve and I'm on no end of Medication.
I left him (took me a while) was extremely happy was so liberating. I've suffered alot over the years and hide some horrendous secrets.
Anyway fast forward to now. I'm with my now finance and we have a little girl on the way.. Currently 24 weeks pregnant. This is where I need advice. I don't know whether I've moved from one abusive relationship to another or I'm being silly. Up untill recently I worked a full time job as a nurse 4 shifts a week. Child care was horrendous and I had to drop my hours drastically because their father wasn't helping and I was stressed. My partner helps but he works full time too. Then my coil failed and here we are I'm pregnant. Now this is an extremely high risk pregnancy. So much so I've recently suffered a heart attack and only just been released from hospital under instructions to take it easy. This heat isn't helping and being a full time mum is bloody stressful atm. It isn't normally. Anyway I'm now not working until after the baby.
Here it is me and my partner are constantly arguing so much so I'm left feeling empty alone and confused. He is always and I mean always picking on the kids behaviour for every little thing. They can't put a foot out of line now one bit of dirty washing on their bedroom floor they are 3-6-8 just turned. He argues with my 8 year old the most.. And I mean it turns into a full blown screaming match whereby I have to intervene. Then I get told I'm undermining him and a 8 year shouldn't have an opinion he should be quite listen to the adult and is turning into his dad. Why you ask? Because he bounced about on the sofas a bit too much and didn't eat his lettuce. Then my 8 year old looses it and completely lashes out and makes a mess of his room. He has a bit of an obsession with thier father. He can't quite understand why I still send them there every second weekend when he was an abusive arse. He doesn't get the being abusive to me is different to the children and unfortunately that isn't my decision to make and as long as he is looking after the children the course won't rule against it infact they'll probably grant him more time and make MY life a miserable mess. Every time they go there he questions them about what went on and yes I get it. My ex is a racist, dole dossing scum who doesn't pay a dime for his kids and i hate it. He constantly wants me to text him though warning him about what goes on at his house and providing and money and expects me to make him pay. How? I can't change him can I. He says he won't ever pay half the bills ect and put in to this household as much when their father isn't. Although he does come home from work and constantly buys them things. (i can't afford because I'm paying all the bills and my wage is less than his given the circumstances) they love him for it but then he complains saying why should he if he won't. He always complain when the kids accidently break things. They once broke a cheap photo frame and yea I punished them correctly. But he threw a fit and said you do what the hell you want at your dads but dont wreck my house. My youngest (3) drew on his wall a little. I put him in time out. My partner threw another fit and said he isn't f* painting the walls again. Atm I feel a little helpless and yeah I let them get away with a bit more but only because I'm porly and not at full strength atm. But this is all the time. From the moment he comes home from work to the time he leaves. It's small things like not using enough shower gel. Using too much shower gel. It's the house is a bomb what are you a tramp ( it's not if you came over you wouldn't think I had three boys) it's don't touch those cars on your window ledge they are for show. Then there's me.. I can't work atm and I sometimes struggle to get up with all my medication ect. So I haven't been making the house as clean as normal and sometimes I leave a few clothes in the wash basket. But if he doesn't come home to all the phone calls made, tea cooked, house clean, kids changed in old clothes outside playing with toys he has said they should play with I'm in trouble. I can't breathe. We have no relationship anymore. He never offers to take me out for lunch. He always makes plans once a month with his friends. If not more. Always on his phone. I'm lucky to get a conversation out of him other than how bad my ex is or how the kids need a behaviour check. Intimacy has gone to once a fortnight if I'm lucky on his terms. I know he doesn't have time for an affair but I do know he was using porn. I'm so stressed atm and I'm at a loss. He bought me tickets to go see my favourite singer for my birthday and obviously given my illness can't go. He got a refund and said oh we'll do something if there is something you want I'll get it for you. I don't like asking because he makes me feel like I don't deserve it and he does too much already. I did spend 200 pound on him for his birthday. In an argument though I did freak and throw it in his face. His reaction was. Well I didn't think you would want it because you don't like celebrating your birthday. Like wow I said I don't like ageing. I don't know what to do or even if this relationship is worth saving I'm at a total loss and scared of being a single mum of four atm because I know at 30 weeks I'll be admitted into hospital for bed rest. What will I do. If i stay with him hell say they aren't spending over 2 weeks at their dads and he will complain the whole time they are a handful. But without I won't see my babies I'm so stuck. Plus every time I've asked him to leave he says. So I should be homeless and you get the cooker washer ect I payed for. Give me my money and I'll leave. I don't know what to do. Advice please?

Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 12:14:18

I know this is a long post but i really need advice if someone would take the time to read it. Id just like to add. I pay all the bills the only bill he pays is sky TV. I rarely watch. So he pays for the majority of fun stuff like most of the birthday gifts for the children. Or bit like if we need new pans. Don't get me wrong i do as well. I recently bought a who furniture set for the living room and clothes and steriliser for the baby. He says he doesn't want me breastfeeding because he wants to feed the baby. So if I have spare cash I splash on fun stuff too but it's a rarity. Then he makes me feel guilty says he works hard to provide for us he deserves respect. I hardly work at all anymore so have all the time in the world and receive tax credits for the children so I buy most of the food. Says if anything he should only pay 1/5 of the household bills because that's all he uses.

singleandfabulous Thu 21-Jul-16 12:25:46

Yes, he's mean, abusive and controlling. I'm sorry.

Can you lean on family for support? Could your ex have the children while you're on bed-rest ahead of the birth?

I think if you stay with him, things will only get worse. I see no redeemable qualities in him.

Hopefully someone else who's better at this will come along shortly to advise you on practical help but I wish you well.

pocketsaviour Thu 21-Jul-16 12:28:52

Blimey, it doesn't sound good, and yes I think you've swapped a grade 8 abuser for a grade 5 one sad

What is the housing situation? Are you LHA tenants, or private, or does one of you own the house? If you're renting, is it a joint tenancy or is only one of you on the lease?

Chelazla Thu 21-Jul-16 12:32:28

Oh dear, I feel really sorry for you. Do you have any family that could help you? Whose house do u live in? I think you need to decide if you want to be with him then start unpicking the rest from there.

chitofftheshovel Thu 21-Jul-16 12:33:30

Oh this it sounds like you have a hell of a lot to deal with at the moment. I was in a similarish position a few years back but with two children, no health problems and not pregnant. But the man I was with (not my children's father) was a dick. Walking on eggshells around him and trying to get my children to do the same was not healthy for anyone.
Do you rent? Whose name is on the tenancy agreement? Could you change the locks whilst he's out?
If he did move out and you don't want your children to go to their fathers whilst you have your baby could any family members or friends step into your shoes for a while? Or as a last resort how would you feel about speaking to social services, and arranging short term foster care for your children. Not ideal, but there must be a lot of single parents who need cover whilst they are having medical treatment.
It sounds like your partner is making you think you don't have options but you do.
Totally nasty of him to say he'll never pay half, he knew you had children when you moved in together and you come as a package.
Sorry, not much help. Try to take good care of yourself.

Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 12:55:04

Thanks guys I feared as much I just don't know what to do! I have family around me including my mum and grandad ect. They would all be willing to help if I told them what was going on. The all think he sits on a pedestal because compared to my ex he is a tidy organised freak with a job. He is ex army so you can imagine where the perfectionist comes from. This house is council and at the risk of sounding illegal I haven't put him on the tenancy yet because of the fear of everything I've said. So technically this is my house and I pay the rent. He thinks that because I get some (small) help from the benefits he is entitled to live for free and if I do put him on the tenancy and he doesn't help I won't be able to afford. Yes I could send them to their dads although he isn't a very reliable father and I know the children will hate it because all he will do is alk negatively about me and they all have anxiety about me being in hospital. Last time I was there the outcome didn't look very good and I had to say goodbye to them.. Very harsh situation for them. I don't really want them being on care worrying about me or work my ex or him. I'm in a very difficult situation. Although they all have jobs (excluding my ex) so they all talk to me in disappointed when I need help. I don't drive either
I was in the middle of doing my lessons when I had a heart attack before that I was financially controlled. So you see things really aren't easy atm. He refuses to leave untill I give him the money I owe him for the things he bought for the house. Tells me to phone the police they won't remove him and he'll have me done for benefit fraud and take me to court and have my daughter taken away from me. I'm so bloody stuck. Then he calms down apologies gives me a cuddle o let it be go to sleep crying am left feeling empty again. He even blamed me for my previous abusive relationship said he doesn't believe me because of the way I answer back to him. I sent him an email about what I had been through a long one. A couple of days he was sweet.. Then went back to normal and blaming me. Calling me a victim. My ex uses to do that

MatildaTheCat Thu 21-Jul-16 13:10:38

You need to speak to your HV and midwife. They will be able to make a referral to SS for support for you ( you can self refer but a professional referral is helpful ime).

Nobody will or wants to remove your children from you. However, you do need support and more importantly, so do your poor DC. I strongly suggest you make plans towards getting him out ASAP and also getting counselling in place for all of you.

Your health has to be paramount and this stress is awful for you and the baby. Firstly please tell your DM and get her support. Then tell your HCPs and do whatever it takes.

His threats are empty. If he takes the cooked etc so what? They can be replaced. He probably won't anyway. He's a nasty bully and you will all be much better off without him.

( nb, please use some paragraphs, it's hard to read the text otherwise smile )

TheSnowFairy Thu 21-Jul-16 13:24:44

You need to call his bluff and get him out -for your sake, your kids' sake and your unborn DC.

Let their dad have them while you go into hospital if you have no other choice, your DP is a bully.

thewideeyedpea Thu 21-Jul-16 13:30:34

I agree, speak to your midwife /HV. And please tell your family what is going on. So sorry you are going through this , he sounds like an utter pig and this is not a healthy environment for you, your children and a newborn. From reading your posts I honestly don't think the situation will improve in fact once your baby arrives things could well get a lot worse. Be strong and ask your family to help. Take care

Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 15:08:18

I appreciate all the replys I just question sometimes whether it's me and because he helps with things sometimes I feel like I should feel guilty about it.
He'll say nobody will ever want me ect with four children.
Sorry about no paragraphs I'm new to this group lol so i see a lot of mistakes in my quest.
I've asked him to leave before he says why should he be homeless he has put into the house aswell. I know I need to talk to someone I'm really struggling to find the strength.
I feel like I need him but don't if you know what I mean. Solely because I'm so unwell atm.
I will pull some strength out of somewhere. As much as my ex is an arsehole and could be a better father my current partner has strained the relationship more because he wasn't doing exactly what he wanted for the children. He didn't want them spending time there and bad mouthed their dad infront of them. I agree he's a useless moron but he was having the kids when I needed now I've has to minimise contact due to him not being comfortable them spending time there and he doesn't allow me to decide when they go HE needs to make that decision. So I'm run raggid doing everything myself because their dad helping out more would be betraying my partner

AndYourBirdCanSing Thu 21-Jul-16 15:23:20

Oh you poor thing. My goodness, you have been through so much I am amazed you are still standing. You are one strong woman you know.

You need to get this nasty, selfish bastard out of your house. You CAN do this. You have proved to be a survivor. Rally up your support. Family, friends, midwife/HV as mentioned. You and your children deserve a GOOD life, away from abusive men. He will not have your daughter taken away from you. I very much doubt he will report you for benefit fraud due to it potentially impacting badly on him, and IF he did, there would be advice and support. But that's a big 'if' he does.

Get him out, let your family help, and your as husband with your kids of you are happy to do so. You can arrange access for new baby at later stage, and of course go through the proper channels for maintenance. You CAN do this. flowers

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 21-Jul-16 16:52:37

This man is going to kill you. Not by hitting you, not by shooting you, not by stabbing you. He is going to ignore your health until you die, and then he will blame you for it. And what will happen to your DCs then?

You need a plan in place. Follow the advice of the previous posters. Your health condition is incredibly serious. This man will work you literally to death.

Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 17:06:17

I need to leave I know I do.. I'm terrified of speaking out and I'm so tired! Honestly sometimes I just blame myself and think I must deserve it..
I want to be strong for my children but I've been through so much and I'm only 26 it's taken it out of me I haven't even gotten over my heart attack 3 weeks ago.
I can feel myself falling into the depression again.
When I say all this I think he's right I am acting like the poor me victim.
He has once physically slapped me across the face and held me down. Said it was my fault though because I fought back he said if a woman can hit a man.
He's grabbed me and restrained me a few times for talking too aggressive to him, left marks and bruises on my legs for squeezing too hard.
But like i said I grew tired if being controlled and fought back so he says I'm just as bad and can't say anything.

Happyinthehills Thu 21-Jul-16 17:14:06

No way are you as bad, what a bully he is.

Please talk to your Midwife, let her help you to make a plan.

Chelazla Thu 21-Jul-16 17:16:00

You must be so tired. I feel so sad for you. Can you go to ur mums even for a few days to clear your head? Can you get respite care for your children? X

babba2014 Thu 21-Jul-16 17:19:45

Call his bluff and say you'll report him because he can't be paying council tax etc if he isn't registered at your house?

I'm not very good at all this but you need him out. Your health is important for your kids. They need YOU. YOU are their world. Your ex isn't living up to the standards of a parent. Please remove the negativity from your life and turn to your family who can help. They want to be there for you.

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 21-Jul-16 17:28:24

Christ. A good man would not behave this way. I know women who have found good men even with health difficulties and multiple children. A good man would have you putting your feet up and doing as little as possible 3 weeks after a freaking HEART ATTACK, not being aggressive and angry. My heart aches for you.

Chelazla Thu 21-Jul-16 17:34:56

You say he's ex army, could there be issues there because of that? I know it no excuse and you still need to put you first. X

HerOtherHalf Thu 21-Jul-16 17:54:01

"He'll say nobody will ever want me ect with four children."

That's just a classic abuser's ploy to undermine your self confidence. He's wrong anyway. When I met my wife she had 5 kids from her first marriage and it didn't put me off. We've been together 20 years now.
Even if he was right, you'd be better off alone than with him. He is a grade A **.

Slowtrain2dawn Thu 21-Jul-16 17:54:28

There is no doubt this is abuse, but I think you know that? It's not your fault, he has reeled you in as abusers do....don't feel guilty, he knows what he is doing. You definitely need to end this relationship and get him to leave. Um, stating the obvious because you know this too! The exit has to be well planned and with a lot of support or you will increase the risk for you and your children.Start by telling your midwife, and family if you are sure they will support you ( and will not tell him) If there is an outreach domestic abuse service in your area they can help you plan and support you. The midwife may know, or you can call women's aid and ask for info on local services.
His threats are scary I know but even though you have not told benefits and the housing association that he has been living there you have a good case to say you were under duress due to abuse and therefore were scared to declare he lived with you. Don't let his threats keep you in this position. The abuse will get worse, especially once the baby is born.
You sound really capable and strong, and not a "poor victim" at all. He is the one at fault. Start devising a strategy, keep it quiet and when everything is in place he won't have a leg to stand on. Keep posting cos there are loads of people with experience on here.

Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 19:30:45

It's actually interesting to here a guys side so thank you for that.
Again thank you so much for the support guys.. I will keep coming back here to remind myself I am worth it and I am strong and I can do this. You don't know how good it feels to rant about this and weep with strangers as silly as it sounds

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now