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Can't decide what to do for the best(2 Posts)
Hello,I'm new to mumsnet but have read other threads and just need some advice, I have nowhere to turn. I can't decide whether my husband and I should split up.
I have been with my husband since I was 19, he was 28. He had 2 young children who are now teenagers and for reasons to do with their mum came to live with us 6 years ago. We also have a 2 year old together.
He has always been fairly controlling. He would deny this. He never really liked me going out after work with colleagues etc. My pregnancy wasn't planned, he was always very vocal about the fact that he didn't want more children, but when I got pregnant we both decided that having the baby was the right thing to do and I was really happy.
Our son was born and it was difficult from the start - a 10 day NICU stay due to an infection and then when he was 4 months old we found out he had a rare genetic condition. He has severe developmental delays. It's been tough but to me he's my perfect baby and he's a happy little thing I wouldn't change it. My husband struggles with it more than me.
Since he's been born he's been even worse about me going out, it causes a massive argument for me to do anything. He has anxiety and OCD and has basically said that he is scared that something is going to happen to me (hit by a bus / blown up by a terrorist / hit by a falling tree etc) and our son will be left without a mum. I generally don't let him be controlling and will usually go out or do whatever it is as I don't feel I need his permission.
He also drinks a lot. When he's had a drink he gets angry and shouts and swears and says some horrible things. He's always done this. I'm stupid I should have left him when I was 19 :-(
2 months ago it came to blows and I was actually quite scared. I told him that's it we go to counselling or its over. We went to see a counsellor together the next week. The counsellor basically said his behaviour was abuse. My husband decided after the first session that the issues were all his not mine and so he has continued to go to counselling without me. He doesn't tell me what they talk about.
It has been slightly better since he has been doing the counselling but I can tell its cos he's making an effort to not say stuff and is biting his tongue! Today it's all kicked off again my little boy was a bit off this morning (I thought just the heat) but i had a really important meeting at work so he went to nursery anyway, he didn't nap at lunchtime (again the heat I guess!) and so when he got home has just cried non stop. Husband blaming me saying I shouldn't have gone to work etc, then when I tried to say that I needed to work to contribute to house etc he went mental and said well you wanted the baby and the bigger house not me. Then carried on screaming for a bit and went to the pub for an hour came back and stormed around before going to bed.
I feel like if I was reading this I'd be thinking omg leave him! But it's never that straightforward is it? My son adores him how can I take him away from his dad, and what about my step kids? The ironic thing is if we do split up presumably he will want our son at weekends (the thought breaks my heart) but his issues are that he hates me being away from our son and leaving him with him?
So sorry for the long post if anyone is still awake after reading that drivel I'd really like some impartial advice. How do you know when it's just time to call it a day? I feel like we can't get past this major issue, that he believes I shouldn't spend time away from our son (because of his disabilities)
Don't have much in the way of advice except to say encourage your partner to keep at the counselling . I think only you can make decision if it's right to leave, but everyone is entitled to some of their own space and their own life outside of parental and marriage responsibilities. Wishing you all the best
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