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EA again. I think I've done the level 10 to Level 8 Bastard thing :( Any point counselling?

(30 Posts)
theansweris42 Wed 20-Jul-16 21:27:59

I think I have married an abuser.
After escaping one.

H and I married in Jan after being together 2 years.
SInce then we have argued and had a lot of bad days.

Before that I was 20 years with a man who was very EA and Financially abusive. It escalated after I got preg with DS1 - we had sex ONCE and got DS2.

DS are 5 and 7. They adore H and he them.
Not as much as I adore em though smile

These are our issues:

1) His drinking. Most nights (struggles to do "dry" nights).
No good for health or famlily life. Sleeps in. Drinks maybe 100-120 units per week.
This is an always has been more than I want around my DSs.
He recently switched red wine for gin and this is a bit better as he is not so smashed.
But, before we moved in togther I said it was too much for me/DC and I would not want to move in on this basis.
He's a shift worker so he is either at work or in bed in the eve; or on the way to drunk or drunk. We talked about role modelling to DC.
I said he did not have to change - instead we could remain GF and BF.
But he wanted to, wanted a healthier life. He made progress which has all slipped since we got married.

2) no sex. We had hardly any "honeymoon" period but the sex we had was ace and soooo much better for me than with previous long term partner. Caring, felt safe, able to express self, exciting.

But it dwindled very much. I try and he turns me down outright lots of times. Again, I have been clear that this is a big part of a relationship for me. When we have discussed he has said it is due to (1) booze - which he would address (2)not living together- felt he had to 'perform' when we met up & stayed in (3) low sex drive - but this, only latterly after wedding.
Says now he always loses interest in sex in relationships. He also says he's felt "pushed for answers" and that it may be a combination of these things. When I asked why he's not been upfront about the low sex drive he has no answer.
This issue upsets me and I have talked/written about it but I have given him time, said we could come back to it after some time, that he's not on the spot but I am confused and sad.

Ages ago in one of the talks I asked about masturbation, which fine obv.
But also porn use. And lots of it in the past which he now says is occasional.
I said not acceptable and that it felt like cheating. He said he would stop.
Another conversation, maybe four months ago, I ask and he says he is back to porn but will stop.
A recent conversation I ask and he says he is back to porn.
I told him he has broken my trust and that it feels like he is cheating.
He says he will "really try" not to use porn. I've said it's not enough.

We have had sex three times in the last fornight which is more than the norm - I am wondering is it part of a ploy to keep me? I can't believe he is that cynical. But - my radar is broken.
I felt disconnected during the sex anyway.

3) has been verbally aggressive/abusive called me names.
Accused me of making things up (that he has said) to make him unhappy - almost seeming paranoid.
Generally been when he's had a drink and never in front of DC - but that's probably because he knows I would simply shut up shop immediately if he did that (because been here before).
He is also quick to anger and raises his voice. One time I was quiet and sad in the car after a row the night before and he turned the car round and said he would "drop me home if its going tobe like this". I made him pull over and let me out. But he chucked me out the car! Felt very crap.
This feels like he was angry because I was not jsut going along with his behaviour.

4) snoring - this is annoying and has caused me to lose a lot of sleep and be unhappy (and a bit bonkers at times). So in about April I moved into spare room and made it "mine". I was sad and said we should work towards sharing at least half the week or something. He has missed appointments with GP to at least investigate - he's not re-booked. He doesn't care about this does he? It also doesn't help the sex problem.
I am beginning to think does actually suit him.

In the recent talks he has said if I lighten up and am nicer it will at least help. He said the reason for this porn use is the lack of sex.
I asked if he would try and be nicer as we both have responsibility and he said "when am I not nice to you"?

I have told him this is headfuckery and I will not accept it. He looked surprised and said he really wasn't trying to do that.

So I have told him we are to split. He has been sad and cried and said can we go to counselling? That it is at least a chance and not to throw it all away.

I am confused because he isn't a cruel person. Massively selfish and huge unresolved anger and abandonment issues but not cruel.

Is it worth therefore trying the counselling?
Is there anything to save anyway? MN views would be really appreciated.

I feel so STUPID and sad. He is very lovely and loving. Sigh.

rememberthetime Wed 20-Jul-16 21:45:18

You can't fight against alcohol. he is in denial about it and that would explain why he doesn't want to go to the doc. They will instantly point out that drinking will cause snoring.

Any shouting is out of order and shouldn't be put up with and you shouldn't have to change to stop his bad behaviour. Anyone who blames their shouting and nastiness on your behaviour cannot be trusted. he will justify any behaviour.

Counselling might help with your communication - but it won't stop him drinking and I think this is the crux of the problem. I would suggest a separation to him and he can work on his drinking while you are not living together. You can't have that around your kids. That is a minimum commitment from him that you must insist on.

theansweris42 Wed 20-Jul-16 21:57:17

thanks remember
Agree. Alcohol is a huge issue.
I have been wondering about seperate living but seeing how we go...

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 20-Jul-16 22:02:42

Drink is his disease. Everything else is a symptom. Only he can cure the drink.

If he decided, of his own accord, to go to counselling himself to stop drinking then maybe maybe there is a chance. That's not an option he has even thought of is it?

Couples counselling is ridiculously wrong. He is an alcoholic. Couples counselling doesn't fix that.

You should try some counselling for yourself.

If this is your idea of a very lovely and loving man, well then, you must never have experienced actual loveliness or love. That is sad. Maybe you have experienced temporary relief from being abused, which feels great, like a few minutes in the shade on a sweltering hot day.

If he doesn't want to throw it all away he could deal with his alcoholism, get treatment and stop drinking. But like you said, he isn't interested in that is he?

theansweris42 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:10:57

no. he's not lovely and loving I guess.
He just seems to be, in the good bits.
I have literally no idea about love in relationships.
I have been to counselling. I would be happy to do more.
Had terrible childhood, then DCs Dad, now this.
I thought I was doing better but I have only inched along.
God I can't belive I am having another Scales Falling From Eyes moment.

FreeFromHarm Wed 20-Jul-16 22:16:42

trust your instincts , please

theansweris42 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:19:44

ha! thanks free
indeed that is what I should do and one of the many skills I lack.
I just have no confidence that what I am thinking/feeling is right when he is saying we should do all we can to save it...
but should we save it?? perhaps we shouldn't have even started it!

AcrossthePond55 Thu 21-Jul-16 04:13:00

As PPs have said, the problem is alcohol. The rest are just symptoms (even the snoring).

The alcohol use is a deal breaker. And he has to want to stop drinking for himself, not for you or your children. For himself. And apparently he doesn't want to.

Personally, I'd walk away and not look back. You've already had one abusive marriage that I'm sure you broke body and soul trying to fix (been there, done that). Why spend any more of your precious life and time trying to fix another one?

Longlost10 Thu 21-Jul-16 04:18:08

you are attempting to have a relationship with a bottle of gin. Pointess. It might have a human wrapped around it, but it isn't the human you are interacting with, its just the gin.

theansweris42 Thu 21-Jul-16 06:54:36

Thanks for your replies.
I know the drinking is a very significant issue, it's interesting though that people think it's much bigger than the other things.

When he asked about counselling I did think he could've suggested going himself or stopping drinking (he has before).

I didn't say anything as it has to come from him.
But it's not going to us it?

AcrossthePond55 Thu 21-Jul-16 13:01:13

Nope. And if it does it will be to keep you, not for his own self. And stopping drinking for someone else never lasts. And usually makes the alcoholic bitter and resentful.

theansweris42 Thu 21-Jul-16 13:13:08

Thank you for your thoughts.

I believed he wanted/would change.

He has said he is trying and that I am saying his efforts are not good enough and this is not kind as he is trying.

I know what I need to do sad

AcrossthePond55 Thu 21-Jul-16 22:45:15

My thoughts are with you. It's a difficult thing to end a relationship, even when you know it's the right thing to do, when you still care for someone. But sometimes it just has to be done.

Perhaps ending things will be the shock he needs to take stock of his own life and make positive changes for himself.

newname99 Thu 21-Jul-16 23:11:53

How old is he? He is an alcoholic and how he is now is how it will be (but likely to get worse).

Why would you stay? Best to separate early than let it go on, there is no shame in walking away from a drinker.Your children need a better role model.
What is the housing situation, will you need to move out?

theansweris42 Fri 22-Jul-16 07:21:19

Thank-you pond for your support.
newname he is 43.
We live in a nice shared rental which we'll have to leave for a smaller less nice one, it'll be very tight with money esp. at first.
We'll have to be here for maybe 4-6 weeks first as we've no savings or extra cash.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 22-Jul-16 07:31:55

Agree with everyone else. He is an alcoholic. He may be lovely but he's an alcoholic. I would consider Al-Anon for insight and support.


theansweris42 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:22:28

I've been to Al anon. Felt others' situations so much worse than mine, almost like a fraud. Also it's almost impossible with work and the DC.
I do lots of reading though and thinking.
Best do some actions!

AcrossthePond55 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:36:24

No one's situation is 'worse' than another's. That's one of the tenets of support groups. Everyone's situation may be different, but each is deserving of sympathy and help.

Resilience16 Fri 22-Jul-16 20:23:55

There are a whole load of red flags in this relationship. It is unlikely to get any better while he is drinking. You can't change his behaviour, he has to want to do that for himself.
Trying to blame you for his drinking and abusive behaviour is unfair. If I was you and you genuinely think you have something worth saving here, I would suggest a 6month seperation, in which time he can start to address his drinking problems.
If he is serious about getting help to quit and wanting to be with you he will get help.
If it's all words, empty promises and hot air he won't.
Either way you will be better off.
In the meantime look at some more counselling for yourself to identify why you pick lame ducks. Consider the Freedom programme.
You deserve better.Good luck x

theansweris42 Sat 23-Jul-16 07:28:02

Yes the blaming me for the behaviour for being sad about the behaviour (!)s a big issue for me.

I told my friend (likes a glass of wine) about the 100 units last night and she was shocked. It helps so much to get views from outside so thank you all.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 23-Jul-16 14:47:00

I'm glad you told your friend. Keep telling. One of the worst things you can do for an alcoholic is to keep their secrets for them.

theansweris42 Sat 23-Jul-16 17:29:42

I'm just typing to clear head
We've spent the days with DC. OK.
Then he's going to the kitchen for a drink. I asked not to start yet so we can have a talk when DC in bed (as agreed yest) he looks furious and says "not afuckingnother one".
I said but we agreed yesterday and also don't be so rude.
He'll just drink and be cross/sileny all night now.
I am so so upset.

theansweris42 Sat 23-Jul-16 17:33:24

I want him out right now. I cannot afford it.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:28:11

I can imagine so! I don't know your financial situation so can't comment on that other than to say to review it carefully to see if there are benefits you can claim once he's not living there or you move out and/or corners that can be cut in expenses.

When you look at your outgoings be sure you factor in the fact that he won't be there to waste money on booze or whatever so your food/shop bills should go down. Try to 'factor him OUT' in your spending. As a matter of fact, if you're paying for ANYTHING for him, stop. Buy food only for yourself and DCs. If you have shared banking, separate it now. If there are direct debits from a joint account, divide them up and get yours debited from a new separate account then see that the joint account is closed or your name removed.

It sounds as if you're willing to move since you mention getting a smaller place. I assume the problem is deposits? Is there anyone who can loan you the money and agree to monthly repayments with a signed agreement? Or anywhere you can go (relatives, friends) who would be willing to put you and DCs up for no rent (just food/utility costs) to allow you to save up faster?

theansweris42 Sat 23-Jul-16 21:37:45

Hi pond thank you.
A big lesson here for me, not to ever ever again share expenses. I can't afford the rent here alone. I can afford a nice smaller place, just. I'll look into the tax credits etc but I can live on my wage, just. But not here.
So I need him to pay half the last months rent.
Yes deposits an issue but I have the deposit on this place so if I can find someone to borrow from for a month that'll help as when I get this one back can repay them.
My mum has no money, there are some aunts and uncles who might be able to help short term. Pride must be squished. Will do sums tomorrow.
No-one to stay with so it'll have to be a money miracle.
Thank you for your support.

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