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Holiday Woes .... Why would she shout at me?? And why would a mother break the law when there was no need?

(29 Posts)
amimad77 Wed 20-Jul-16 15:03:09

So I'm here on Mumsnet never posted before as I am tired of my partner always telling me "I am mad" or "I am making a mountain out of a molehill".

I've been with my partner for 4 and a half years and I have a 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Just last week we were on holiday and my partner had invited his older brother, his brother's girlfriend and their three-year-old son to join us at his villa.

The second day we were there, we were off out for an evening meal. Both brothers had hired their own car and as we were about to set off in each of our cars his brother's girlfriend was insistent we all go in their car.

I was shocked as this meant removing the child car seat and sitting her child in her lap. Going in their car meant there would be 6 in one 5 seater car. When I tried to protest about safety she (the brothers partner) started shouting at me saying "didn't I want to go with them? why do you want to go separately?"

I was shocked that she would raise her voice at me .... as she realised how she had reacted when she saw my reaction of shock she tried to cover herself by saying "she was only joking".

Her partner and my partner both in typical male fashion put their heads down and pretended they didn't hear anything. This just left me perplexed as to why she was so insistent and why would she shout at me. So like sheep we all quietly went in their car.

The next day my partner's brother came into the kitchen where I was and said " I am really sorry I am so quiet but I knew the heat was going to be too much for me I really didn't want to come but I let "her" (his partner) change my mind as she was desperate to come. I should never have let her change my mind."

Previously my partner had told me he had invited his brother - but the heat would be too much for his brother and chances are they wouldn't be coming. So yes I was surprised when I found out they were coming on holiday with us.

So obviously the little voice in my head starts putting two and two together and trying not to come up with 5!!!! I've been trying to brush it off and I thought perhaps I was exaggerating but my partner's brothers girlfriend is always arranging the table so she can sit opposite my partner. This time I actually caught her doing it and stopped her moving my partner's wine glass which he had placed opposite me. I can't even describe the number of times it has happened - because it is so pathetic and unbelievable!

We went on holiday in March - again they were invited, this time also the brothers partners mother. Then I was under the assumption that myself, my partner and my daughter would go out a couple of nights on our own. But we didn't - we spent every evening in his brothers and his families company and in the evenings playing "cards" with them. I know it sounds mad but it was almost as if my partner was apologetic to "her" for spending time alone with me. She is always having digs at his brother in front of everyone and complaining about him.

On the last holiday, I was surprised how we all went out for a meal and my partner sat there opened the wine menu and asked his brothers partner first "What would you like to drink?"

I'm not making it up - there was like an embarrassment around the table as he remembered I was sat next to him and then asked me as if i was the after thought.

When I have asked him about this - he says "I'm mad". On this holiday I tried to talk to him gently and ask him if anything had happened between him and his brothers partner previously before me. Initially, he went mad at me swearing at me, calling me all the names under the sun, telling me I was a psychopath, that I was a "nut case". Then he blames his reaction on me saying "I asked him aggressively" - I swear I didn't, he near enough went mad at me before the words had left my lips.

When I ask my partner why his brother's girlfriend would shout at me - his response was "Oh stop going on, I don't know why she wanted to anyway its no big deal". So if I speak up and try to talk about it I get portrayed as a trouble maker. My partner is always big on safety, so it's even more bizarre that he would be ok about his nephew being sat in a car not properly strapped in.

So here I am non-the-wiser !!!!!
Maybe someone else has any ideas? Is it really all in my head?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 20-Jul-16 15:08:34

No, it's not in your head.

He's either loving the perceived battle with the two of you or doesn't care that you are upset, regardless of why.

What does his brother think of his girlfriend mooning about another man?

You really shouldn't have gone in the car with a child unrestrained.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Jul-16 15:12:38

His over-reaction is all you need to know here.
An innocent person would probably laugh and explain to reassure their partner that of course nothing has happened.
The fact he shouted and called you every name under the sun is not only feckin' horrible but also abusive towards you.
It's aimed at 'shutting you up' so you don't mention it again.
I'd be out of there personally.
Maybe an over-reaction on my part but just reading towards the end was uncomfortable, I certainly couldn't live with it!
Trust your gut!

BlackVelvet1 Wed 20-Jul-16 15:16:12

No, clearly not in your head, but it could be her liking the attention (may be she is narcissistic?).
Could you not go on vacation with them?

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Jul-16 15:17:31

It sounds as though something's going on between the two of them, doesn't it?

Your partner sounds bloody horrible, tbh. He allows his nephew to be unrestrained in a car, he puts the other woman before you, he screams at you. Horrible.

OhNoNotMyBaby Wed 20-Jul-16 15:18:45

I suspect there either was - or is - something between your partner and this woman. It may have been something very minor and something that your partner tried to brush off, but there is definitely a history of something...

BlackVelvet1 Wed 20-Jul-16 15:23:04

Sorry should say *without them
Your partner's reaction is also bizarre

NotWeavingButDarning Wed 20-Jul-16 15:23:33

Ugh, regardless of whether they're cheating (or just loving the flirting/attention), your DP sounds horrible. I feel sorry for his brother too.

Grim. Run away.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 20-Jul-16 15:25:13

Im sorry but I also think there may be something going on between them even if nothing physical has happened.
It seems he is more bothered about her opinion than yours.
My ex was having an affair for a year and I knew but everyone, including him, told me I was nuts when I suspected anything. Hope you get the answers you deserve.

Bambamrubblesmum Wed 20-Jul-16 16:15:03

Sounds fishy to me. The irrational shouting and name calling would suggest a guilty conscience. They are lashing out to attack to try to deflect attention but actually are subconsciously drawing attention to it.

SestraClone Wed 20-Jul-16 16:22:01

Yeah, there's something going on!

GeekyWombat Wed 20-Jul-16 18:48:07

Definitely something going on. Also really dodgy going out with a child not in a car seat - not only did she break the law but she made all you adults complicit in it. What if something had happened? You'd never have forgiven yourselves. Plus the person sitting in front could also have been injured by your nephew going flying.

Can you put your foot down OP and suggest next holiday you're in laws free?

wherearemymarbles Wed 20-Jul-16 21:29:01

Whats the old addage
'The best defence is offence'

His reaction says it all.

Next time he says you're mad reply 'yep, I'm so mad I'm leaving you.

WhatTheActualFugg Wed 20-Jul-16 21:42:54

Oh dear. I think you know the answer OP, don't you?

I think the real question is how far has it gone. Although I don't think that matters really.

The brother sounds nice. I would try and get a quiet minute with him and ask him if he's noticed and whether he's bothered.

flowers to you.

panegyricS1 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:24:00

It's dysfunctional. I don't know if they're having an affair but it's definitely odd.

amimad77 Wed 20-Jul-16 23:22:08

Thanks for taking the time to answer. Just those answers have given me confidence. My partners response has been it "was a mistake - we won't be going on holiday with them again". But that doesn't really answer my question - has something happened between them in the past, and if so what??

When I first met him he went through a messy divorce and he would spend a great amount of time at his brothers. His brothers girlfriend moved in when she got pregnant and the 3 of them would spend many a night playing cards. So I have tried to take into consideration that she probably sees him as "one of her boys" and I did point out to my partner - the she and my partner kinda gang up on his brother. I've taken into consideration numerous times "I am the new person".

Also the holiday was dominated by conversation about her 3 year old, it's always "show uncle A" (my partner) what you can do. My partner doesn't have any of his own children, he Doesn't want any so suddenly seeing him cooing over a 3 year old takes a little getting used to. I've also taken this into consideration and thought I may be over reacting. But things like placing the potty next to the dinner table when everyone has made an effort to get dressed for dinner .... I think it's a little rude and at least make an effort to put the child to bed some evenings so the adults can enjoy some time alone. The way she carries on about the boy and "uncle A" it's even crossed my mind that she would prefer it if my partner was the child's father.

We are back home now and he said we would discuss it when we git back home. But he's not brought it up, surprise surprise!!!

..... And the fact he thinks in his little world it's all forgotten about!!! ..... Little does he know that in my mind I've just done 10 rounds in the ring with him confused

AcrossthePond55 Thu 21-Jul-16 03:57:59

What are you getting out of this relationship? It doesn't sound to me as if you trust your partner very much.

Whether something did, or did not, happen in the past with your partner's 'SiL' isn't really important now, as long as it happened before you got together with him. It would be between him, his brother, and 'SiL'. I'd stop asking him about it. But if you think that she's 'after' him and that he's either interested or is getting a kick out of her attention, then I'd give serious thought to whether I wanted to stay in the relationship.

PollyBanana Thu 21-Jul-16 04:21:18

I'm going against the grain here.
I think "SIL" does maybe see your partner as one of her boys, maybe she fancies him. Doesn't mean anything has happened.

If my partner unfairly accused me of having an affair with my sister's partner, I'd be pretty angry too.

Bambamrubblesmum Thu 21-Jul-16 07:22:07

Okay I'm going to be completely Jeremy Kyle here but you don't think the little boy could be .....his?

Goingtobeawesome Thu 21-Jul-16 07:39:52

Bambam, just what I was thinking after the OP comment regarding parentage.

amimad77 Thu 21-Jul-16 11:38:48

I think the situation is my partner was unhappy in his previous relationship - the four of them (his ex, brother, brothers girlfriend) all used to spend a lot of time playing cards together. My partner says cards worked as you don't have to engage in real conversation. I'm understanding my partner and his brothers partner used to join forces together to jibe at each other's partners. (Which I can see how it happens but I think it is cruel and itsjust making your own relationship worse. I also find it belittling to your partner) These two holidays have been the first time i have spent time in her company and I guess she is picking up the relationship with my partner as of a few years ago..... Where he was unhappy in his then relationship.

My partner came out last night and said out of the blue "I think you could be right about my brothers partner. I think she does flirt with me I just didn't notice. It's just she complains he (his brother) doesn't do enough with the kid and I feel I have to stick up for her and help her! She's always complaining that she doesn't have anytime to herself. I know their relationship is in trouble as she's always telling me and I feel guilty that I'm actually happy now" Really !!!! my partner needs to grow a pair. But then that's also part of him I love - he is considerate (most the time)

PollyBanna - I didn't accuse him I asked if we could discuss her irrational behaviour of shouting at me and putting her child in a car without proper seatbelt and if something had happened however minor between them. For me it's really important to address minor issues as they occur in a relationship rather than pretend they are not happening or be given a reality check! Either works

Anyway never posted a personal issue on mums net before, great responses! Didn't want to talk to live friends about it as didn't want it to turn into a bitchathon event!!

What a lovely bunch u are will defo post again :-)
Off to enjoy the sun smile

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Thu 21-Jul-16 14:47:25

"SIL" sounds jealous of your relationship with your partner.
She's not happy in her own, and she is used to your DP and her ganging up against her own partner (and DP's ex) Which I agree is quite twattish behaviour.
Now that you are around, she has to share him.

amimad77 Thu 21-Jul-16 15:34:25

Spot on Squiff!! smile

whattodowiththepoo Thu 21-Jul-16 15:39:08

Jesus Christ.
Does everyone really think that ops partner is having an affair with his brothers partner and going on holiday with them all??
I think you are biased OP and will find any way to confirm you aren't mad to yourself and will find fault with everything this woman does and blame your partner.
You sound mad and awful.

Bambamrubblesmum Thu 21-Jul-16 15:52:46

biscuit

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