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Dating advice - is he just not into me?(12 Posts)
Dear friends. I need some advice. I've had a tough year - My mum died in February and shortly after I broke up an intense year long relationship with a tricky and emotionally immature boyfriend who I had been deeply in love with but who drove me crazy.
I recently went on a date with a guy from POF who was very different to my ex - he's solvent and easy going. He wasn't someone I would have fancied instantly across a room but I really enjoyed his company. I've now been out with him 5 times and he messages me all the time and has taken me out to some very nice restaurants and events. On the first two dates he was pretty passionate, but since then he has been less so. I stood back from hurling myself in at the deep end because of my recent experience and have been back to his place on the last 2 dates but we haven't been overly intimate (which I have too admit is somewhat unusual for me and probably more down to him than me now). I think he's a bit shy about the physical side after a long time in a sexless marriage - which I do get.
My issue is that I'm just not really sure he's that into me. I couldn't sleep tonight and have just looked on POF and noticed that he's been on there today - so he is obviously still out there looking (I haven't been since we went on the first date). I don't feel hugely upset about it - or surprised - but I'm a bit disappointed. There are things about him I'm not sure about - is the chemistry really there (with my previous boyfriend it was there in spades) and as I'm a passionate, touchy feel person it feels odd to me to be out with someone who doesn't show much physical affection. We are at very different points in our lives - I've been divorced for 8 years and am ready for a committed relationship, he is going through a messy divorce and still very much involved in his ex's life as they have young kids (I have 2 teenagers so I respect the involvement with his kids but I think there are more detached ways to be involved with your ex wife if you want to be).
I'm going on holiday at the weekend for 10 days and I think its a good opportunity to see what contact there is after my return and use it to test whether he and I continue to want to see each other. At the moment I think I would like to, he is very cool and comfortable in his skin and we have a good time together. I'm just not sure whether it will grow into anything - I'm wondering if he's just not really into me. I tend to be a bit of a marmite personality - I'm outgoing and funny, smart, quirky, successful in my work and have lots of friends. I'm not drop dead, a bit over weight at the moment (which doesnt help my esteem) but usually guys who like me really get me, if you know what I mean.
I'd like advice - is this guy just not into me, should I date other people (not usually my style - I'm a one guy at a time girl) or just take a step back from communicating whilst I'm away and see how I feel after my holiday?
I wouldn't say that at all, it's only been 5 dates & he's being cautious. As for Pof, you're not exclusive yet, so he is allowed to check messages etc. Have a great holiday, take a step back & don't sweat it
You sound lovely.
Ate you into him? I don't know it's hard I would be a bit annoyed about the PoF thing I would always be honest with someone then go back on
Have faith you will meet someone lovely!!!
Maybe he doesn't know if you're into him? If you've held back, after a couple of dates maybe he's decided to calm down as he's unsure?
Re pof, if you know he's been on because it shows he's logged on? It could be because his wifi logs him in everytime he goes in the house? (If not, maybe hes unsure how you feel so is keeping his options open? )
Best advice is-only one person knows the answer and its not mn, ask him-what do you have to lose? X
Thanks for the advice. I have to say I'm pretty cautious about putting my cards on the table. Just am. And maybe I'm not sure what my hand is yet anyway. I did suggest our last date and bought tickets so hopefully that showed my interest. But its probably true to say that if I think someone is a bit cool I back off too. He has mentioned being a bit shy. I might see how it goes when I get back from my hols and be a big girl and have a wee chat!
Have a fab holiday and see what happens when you get back. He might just be taking things slowly because of his personal circumstances, the children, the divorce and so on, and maybe when he's free from all that angst (not the children obviously!) perhaps he'll feel more at ease with you.
If there's minimal contact, cut your losses and move on.
You are obviously confident and that in itself is very attractive, so don't beat yourself up about this particular relationship. There will be someone out there who ticks all the boxes and who doesn't keep you guessing.
Regarding POF - he might have gone on there for the same reasons as you did and is now thinking the same as you - that you are still looking as you were logged onto POF too!
5 dates - you are over thinking it. Go on holiday and just enjoy every day.
Thank you for all your friendly advice.
I went on (and amazing) holiday and to my surprise he kept on messaging me asking for daily pictures and updates. Near the end of the holiday he suddenly went quiet - no contact for 5 days after daily contact. I got home yesterday so told him I was home and if he was up for it would like to meet up sometime over the summer. He replied but said he was now moving into the family home as his ex is away and then taking the kids on holiday, hopefully we might catch up after that. So guys, I'm feeling my instinct is right - he's not that bothered. Thoughts? Shall I give up on him? I was tempted to send him a 'tell me straight email' or just get on with my summer and forget about it.
I think he's said it all.
You sound much more fun than him. Try meeting someone a bit more fun!
Yeah I would definitely forget about it if a man's interested you know and he doesn't sound it i wouldn't even waste my time on sending him a email as pp said find someone a bit more fun
I would move on too. If it's this hard at the beginning don't waste any more of your time.
Thanks guys. Moving on. I hate the dating game. I would just like to meet some fun and relaxed who doesn't play games. But that said I've had a really tough year - my Mum died and I ended an intense relationship so I should probably be kind to myself and take a break from silly men...
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