My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why does he not seem to want sex, be attracted, show desire for me as much as he used to?

122 replies

showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 00:12

Ok, my post might seem light hearted (deliberately), but it really is bothering me.

We've been together about 2 1/2 years and of course, in the early days (definitely first year, and up to year 2 maybe), we were all over each other. When he kissed me hello or goodbye, it was passionate - always.

We'd have sex during the afternoon. We'd have sex in the lounge. When out at a night out or at a party, we'd spend hours flirting with each other, heightening the sexual tension - then when we got home we'd spend a long time 'appreciating' each other.

Personally, and admittedly maybe because I'm female, his outward interest in me physically and intimately was a huge way of getting a basic need met of both feeling wanted, loved - and also a physical sexual need.

Lately, (past 6 - 9 months), his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger. He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer. We used to send each other naughty text messages... now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply or it's non reciprocal in that way

When I can see an obvious opportunity for us to have some 'fun time' together, he'll put on a film and fall asleep, or suggest going for a walk.

This might sound extremely selfish or self-orientated, but I'm not used to this! Every man I have been with has wanted sex a lot lot more. We don't live together and only see each other weekends. Tonight, he came over to help me fix something I couldn't do myself and cook me dinner. He rarely comes over during the week. So I dressed in something very feminine (well it has been hot!!), did my hair, refreshed my makeup - you know, made a sexy effort without being OTT.

Did he make any attempts? Nope. Yes he hugged me lovingly, and held my face and kissed me gently on the lips. But nothing more

I feel like a man! I've never had this problem before and I don't know what to do about it! He is a big alpha male and has probably had women throwing themselves at him previously and as I was a bit more of a challenge for him, I don't want to start constantly being the one to make the moves which will either result in me being rejected and feeling like shit, or turning him off even more.

I want him to be excited to see/be with me again! I want him to kiss me passionately in the afternoon again. I want him to spend time showing me he is attracted to me. I also think I just have a high sex drive and often come away from the weekend I spend with him feeling sexually frustrated!!

Am I living in fantasy land and/or just used to having it a certain way that I have done previously?

I'm shy by the way - so can't just talk to him about it...

Help!!

OP posts:
Report
boojum1949 · 20/07/2016 02:08

Hi, I am a guy, and I can tell you exactly what is going on because I have done this myself, and seen mates do it too.
Sorry, but your relationship is over, he simply hasn't yet worked up the courage to look you in the eye and tell you. He has decided that you are not "the one" and now he wants to move on, but he doesn't want tears, tantrums or a big row, so he is simply withdrawing interest.
If this was a job, and he was your boss, you would be seeing this as constructive dismissal, that's where they don't actually sack someone, they just try to make them so fed up that they leave of their own accord, and that is what he is hoping you will do,nthrow in the towel and go quietly.
All the sexy outfits in the world will not change his mind, it isn't the sex he's bored with, it's you, the person. Sorry to be so brutal, but my advice is salvage what dignity you can and leave him. You sound like a nice woman, intelligent and sexually aware, there are plenty more fish out there, no point banging your head on a wall with this one.

Report
Cary2012 · 20/07/2016 06:37

I sadly agree with above poster. He doesn't want to finish it, but wants to force you into breaking up with him, probably because he's a coward. Grab your dignity and finish it. A decent bloke would finish it, so he's not worth worrying about. Alternatively you could ask him? Say you've noticed things have cooled off, see what he says? But I think he's checked out. Sorry, but there's someone out there who deserves you.

Report
TheNaze73 · 20/07/2016 06:41

I agree with the posters above. I think after a couple of years he'd be making more of an effort, if he was into you. Sorry to be brutally honest but, he's checked out & sounds bored but, is being too spineless to end it

Report
Mommym24 · 20/07/2016 06:46

This doesn't necessarily mean he wants to end it! People slip sometimes and I think the only thing you can really do is talk to him about it else it will always be annoying you . You should be able to talk to him about it and I you can't maybe that's the issue!

Report
Fairylea · 20/07/2016 06:50

If it was a live in relationship or marriage I would be looking for other reasons before assuming he's gone off you. I'm married and dh and I have bouts of being quite distant from each other but it's often stress related (we have a disabled ds and dh works long hours) or illness related (both have illnesses). We are still close in other ways but the physicial side does go a bit! I do think that's normal. But 2.5 years into a live out relationship with no dc it seems a bit different. I would say though if you can't actually talk to him about this then that is a bigger sign of it not being right than anything else!

Report
showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 07:39

Thank you everyone

I'm actually quite shocked at the initial responses - but maybe you are right! I hadn't even considered that - how stupid and blind sighted could I be - there's me thinking I was quite wise and tuned in. That's if that is the reality of course

So tell me Boojum, if that is the case, why would he bother (or maybe just would he bother) with all the other effort he puts into the relationship? He has just committed to a long haul trip with me next year. He frequently holds me and tells me he's in love with me. He texts and calls me frequently.. Never going to bed without a phone call even if 2 minutes long when he's tired. All,the little things like buying me my favourite juice when I stay at his for the weekend. (Sounds silly but it's an 'us' thing) I know he's not seeing someone else so it can't be that

The other common comment here is that the bigger issue is that I can't talk to him about it. I know... It's really sad - I want to and this has always been an issue for both of us as he is like it too. I think we have always both avoided deep conversations and it's weird because we have both discussed this! Ironic hey? How can i work on that - beating in mind having I find it hard discussing difficult things or things that may be uncomfortable or unharmonious. Or am I just in denial again

Something has just occurred to me - maybe it's that emotional connection in being ABLE to talk together that is lacking, that is affecting the intimate desire?

OP posts:
Report
SaggyNaggy · 20/07/2016 08:55

Maybe he's a typical, using your stereotype, "Alpha Male"?

He's bored woith you, he's got what he's wanted, kept you sweet long enough and played Mr nice so youd keep sleeping with him. Now he's bored and doing the usual emotionally immature nonsense of pushing you away so that you end it and he can play the hurt puppy card. He'll probably even turn soppy again shortly after ypu dump him in the hope that you believe there is a chance of recponcilliation and youll shag him some more.

You've been together 2 1/2 years but only see each other at weekends and why is that? Why would ypou be with some one emotionally unavailable to the point you can't have a simple discussion? Or, and going g out on a limb, do you worry that you'll bring up your issues only for him to have a little tantrum? Dismiss you as being silly? Argue with you? Etc

Report
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 20/07/2016 09:02

It's not your lack of sex which is the issue, it's the fact that after 2.5 years you don't feel able to discuss this with him!

Report
boojum1949 · 20/07/2016 09:51

I stand by what I said. Still keeping to little routines, like the phone calls and the breakfast juice, still saying he loves you, is typical behaviour in a guy who really wants to end it but doesnt want to push too hard and end up in an emotional confrontation. He is trying to push you away, but gently enough so you don't react badly. The fact that neither of you finds it easy to talk about deep emotional issues tells me a lot, both of you are afraid of baring your souls to each other. He will never finish with you directly, this takes moral courage he does not possess, but neither will he ever come back to how it was, things will simply get worse and worse with neither of you having the courage to grasp the nettle. If the long haul trip happens, it will be a total disaster, and an expensive one at that.
Have you though of relationship counselling? Either together or on your own? This is the only practical advice I can offer apart from get out with your head still high.

Report
mickyblueyes · 20/07/2016 11:21

You'll get a lot of advice and opinions on here showmesomeclass, some great, some...not so great, but think carefully before acting on it based on the advice you receive. Surely the first thing to do is sit down and talk to DP, tell him how you feel, get it out in the open. Hope it all works out for you.

Report
showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 11:32

Thanks mickeyblueyes - You're right in what you say

OP posts:
Report
adora1 · 20/07/2016 11:47

I'd be prepared for this ending, his actions are that of a person who is really not that into the relationship and btw, you are normal and are not over sexed or over anything, it sounds like he is depriving you of what you want and need so go find someone who can give you that, I'd feel pretty hard done by in your position.

Report
brodchengretchen · 20/07/2016 11:53

When you say 'committed to a holiday', OP, has DP actually paid his share of a deposit? Because I've seen your scenario so many times, personally and for other people. Boojum has it absolutely right, and don't be so sure there is no-one else. So sorry, OP, and it gives me no pleasure to say so.

Report
brodchengretchen · 20/07/2016 11:53

When you say 'committed to a holiday', OP, has DP actually paid his share of a deposit? Because I've seen your scenario so many times, personally and for other people. Boojum has it absolutely right, and don't be so sure there is no-one else. So sorry, OP, and it gives me no pleasure to say so.

Report
SandyY2K · 20/07/2016 12:05

Boojum

You are spot on with your response IMO. The withdrawing without being nasty is a sign he's not that into you anymore. For him the spark has gone.

It seems like he's starting to see you as a friend or sister. Usually what follows if this drags on is ILYBINILWY - "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"


Men can be very conflict avoidant and would rather you ended it, even though it's really his actions that cause the end.

Stop making the moves on him and see how long it is till he tries to initiate sex with you.

Like you, I have never had a guy not want sex in a relationship. I honestly can't imagine it.

Report
showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 12:18

Ok people - I think I may have given the wrong impression (not sure)

When I say not AS often, I mean not as often as in the beginning (pretty much all the time)

We still 'do it' - just not as much! And he doesn't have that infatuated thing that he used to whereas I still look at him and go phwwoooarrr in my head and when we go to bed (normally), I always want to have sex but he doesn't - not all the time, just not every night over the weekend

We live an hour apart and both have busy lives which is why we only see each other at weekend (to answer a previous question) but at weekends, we do it at least once, but usually only once - whereas it used to be as soon as I got there on Friday, and on Saturday and usually on Sunday before I went home too. Now it could be just once over the whole weekend

Does that make a difference to your opinions?

OP posts:
Report
brodchengretchen · 20/07/2016 12:30

Well, OP, you said this:

Lately, (past 6 - 9 months), his hello and goodbye kisses don't linger. He'll even pull away if I try to make it last longer. We used to send each other naughty text messages... now, if I send one, I either don't get a reply or it's non reciprocal in that way

And this:

I want him to be excited to see/be with me again! I want him to kiss me passionately in the afternoon again. I want him to spend time showing me he is attracted to me. I also think I just have a high sex drive and often come away from the weekend I spend with him feeling sexually frustrated!!

And also this:
The other common comment here is that the bigger issue is that I can't talk to him about it. I know... It's really sad - I want to and this has always been an issue for both of us as he is like it too.

So no, if you were sincere in those words your last post doesn't change that.

Report
SandyY2K · 20/07/2016 12:37

Him pulling away when you kiss is a bad sign.

Him not replying to your naughty texts is a very bad sign. I wonder if his eyes roll when you send one .. kind of like "Oh no, doesn't she get the hint after I haven't replied the last 5 messages"

Do you see a future in this relationship if you can't even talk to him about it?

Is it only this subject you can't speak to him about or other stuff as well?

Report
stumblymonkey · 20/07/2016 12:42

I don't agree with the first few posters. I'm experiencing the same with my DP at the exact time he is proposing to me and we are booking our wedding venue. He definitely isn't constructively dismissing me!

You do need to talk about it though I'm afraid...

Report
0hCrepe · 20/07/2016 12:46

Is there an element of the more you want it and seem disappointed by your expectations not being fulfilled, the more he pulls away? If it were less available he might be more interested but then you're getting into game playing territory.

Report
WanderingTrolley1 · 20/07/2016 12:48

The spark has definitely gone for him, maybe he's emotionally gone, too.

Report
boojum1949 · 20/07/2016 13:00

@stumblymonkey, your fiancee is having last minute nerves, true he is not trying to get rid of you, but like a lot of guys on the eve of their wedding, he is wondering if he is doing the right thing and trying to convince himself that he is. Stick with it, we all do it!

"We live an hour apart and both have busy lives which is why we only see each other at weekend (to answer a previous question) but at weekends, we do it at least once, but usually only once - whereas it used to be as soon as I got there on Friday, and on Saturday and usually on Sunday before I went home too. Now it could be just once over the whole weekend

Does that make a difference to your opinions?"

Not really, if anything it reinforces my opinion. Has it occurred to you that after more than two years of living like you were having a secret affair rather than a real romance he might actually be totally fed up with a relationship that seems to be going nowhere fast? Why the commitment phobia on both sides? Why have you not moved in together? And even to a man, predictable, routine sex at the same time and place every week can get very boring.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 13:01

Thank you stumblymonkey!! My DP hasn't shown any other signs of wanting out.. not at all. Have you talked about it? What did you say? What did he say?

I did consider that idea ohcrepe - and probably, if it wasn't on my mind so much, I wouldn't be trying so hard and let's face it, many men like to feel they are doing the chasing and being rewarded (if that doesn't sound too old fashioned) - Might give it a go and see what happens!

OP posts:
Report
TheOddity · 20/07/2016 13:12

I have never had this problem with a bloke so I am tempted to agree with the above about him trying to cool it. Been married seven years, together ten and if I made an effort and come hither motions at the weekend, he would be more than up for it every day.

Report
showsomeclass · 20/07/2016 13:17

Boojum - I appreciate the time you are taking to write your posts, but I think you are making assumptions that you cannot possibly make without knowing us both

We don't live together because I have DC's that are committed to living in the town that I do, and he has a DC who lives further from me than him. His job is also too far if he came to me. Also, we have BOTH had previous long term relationships that had very difficult break ups. We both want to take it slowly to ensure it is the right thing for us. I don't have a problem with not living together for the time being - I actually quite like it and it is not that unusual

It is very far from a secret affair. We are both very openly and publicly involved in each others lives. Many of his close friends and relatives have told me (and recently) that they have never known him so happy, so committed and so into a relationship as he is with me

I'm not denying there is a problem, but I'm not going to throw the towel in at the first sight a problem and make assumptions and throw away what, aside from this isolated issue, is fantastic relationship. Hey, I might come back here in 6 months with my tail between my legs saying you were right, but the way you seem to view our relationship as a whole is incorrect, so therefore, so may be your reasoning

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.