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Why can't I just leave.

(8 Posts)
Chelazla Tue 19-Jul-16 23:49:33

I've been with my husband 10 years and I love him so much but he's horrible to me. He goes at me for no reason, shouts at me and puts me down, nothing I do is good enough. He threatens to leave every so often and when we argue he wishes me dead and says all the things he knows will hurt me. But when it's good it's so lovely, we know each other inside out and have so much fun, so I cling on. My main issue is my dad who I really loved, left my mum for another woman and left us too. He had a new family and we never saw him. I swore my kids would have it different. They worship their dad (and me, they're lovely) and I don't want to take them away from him. He does love them, he's just so selfish. I can't get it out of my head I've failed if they don't have a proper family and I know it would hurt them. I know it's pathetic I just want us all to be happy.

showsomeclass Wed 20-Jul-16 00:19:15

Darling, you can't make everyone happy as you can't control how other people feel or behave

If he is making you sad a lot of the time and not treating you well, then you need to consider if you would be happier either without this, or with someone who didn't do this

Don't feel bad about your thoughts - many many couples separate and the children have just as much if not more quality time with both of their parents. You need to be good to yourself. If you're not, noone else is going to be!

Chelazla Wed 20-Jul-16 00:44:33

Thank you, your words are very kind. I'm just so sad I wanted this perfect family and I've stayed so long because of this and pathetically I do love him. He'll say to me every so often that he wouldn't be without me and he knows he isn't how he should be and I cling to that. He is affectionate too and so funny but then he can just switch and it's like a nasty stranger. I do compromise myself for him a lot to try n stop this but other times no matter what I do it starts. I know deep down its the kids, I can't stand to take from them a proper family when I wanted so badly myself. My family is very small (we don't see my dads side) and I think I fear them being isolated. I want them to have a full life surrounded by loads of people who love them, which they have at present. I don't feel I can take that away when it'd only be for my benefit.

Opentooffers Wed 20-Jul-16 01:21:28

Your life matters, and it matters if you sacrifice yourself for your children. Once, you were that child, would your mother have wanted this life for you, growing up, that you have got? Would you want your children to put up with the life you have currently? They will learn from living it, that the way he behaves to you is ok. I know it's hard, but try not to let what happened to you as a child project onto your children. If he's a good Dad to your children, he will still want contact, and you may get more respect all round by LTB.
Sad to say, your Dad was not a good one, he proved it by his actions, though it hurt so much when he went, he was not good enough for you, he's shown that. Dad's who genuinely care, don't disappear, the ones that do, don't care and are not worthy of their children's love.
Neither of you are splitting over someone else, so the situation is different to your childhood experience.
It's a great lesson for your DC, also, to show that maltreatment should never be tolerated.

showsomeclass Wed 20-Jul-16 08:37:16

Think about how your children would feel if they knew how you felt

If my mother told me today that she had an unhappy marriage for years and years and only stayed with my father because of me, I'd feel awful for her. Give your children some credit too!

For the record, I was exactly the same as you. I was determined not to be 'a statistic'. My ex and father of my 2 DD's I think did love me, but not enough to be a proper husband and I craved happiness with him. I eventually left when I found out he was having an affair and still feel sad that I broke up the family home. That was 15 years ago and I am a different person now and my children have had a fulfilled life full of love and opportunity. I talk to them about it now and they totally understand and have a great relationship with both of us

You're obviously not ready to do anything yet, but be strong, value yourself - that in itself is an excellent role and example to set your children

Chelazla Wed 20-Jul-16 09:12:51

I know what everyone is saying is so true. In some ways I think I'm really strong, because I get upset and cry then I stop, put it in a little box in the back of my mind and ignore it and carry on for the kids like nothing has happened. Every so often I sit on my own and all the things he's done the past 10 years go through my head and I just can't function. But then I'll pull myself round and I'm okay again. But deep down I know I'm very weak. I never stick up for myself I get absolutely no respect and I'm constantly compromising myself. I can't tell my mum as she would go mental at him and all our friends we each had before are now joint. We've been together longest and some of our friends that met through us have even married and had kids with each other. Plus I don't want everyone to hate him which my best friends instantly would. They are very loyal. I would also be so embarrassed. I do love him I want it to work but there's no reasoning with him. How he is now is not okay I know that I'm just sad about it all.

pallasathena Wed 20-Jul-16 10:13:36

Look up Stockholm Syndrome. Just maybe, you'll recognise what's happening to you has its roots in a common form of psychological abuse.
Also, think about the behaviour that's being modelled to your children. Do you want their future relationships to look like this?

adora1 Wed 20-Jul-16 11:55:10

You are damaging your children by staying in this toxic and abusive relationship, you do know that yeah?

He won't change, he won't leave, he probably loves things as they are, you are his emotional punch bag.

You need to stop defending him and look after yourself and your kids.

For as long as you stay in this crap situation, you will never see clearly, you need to go OP, do you want to live with the guilt later of having put your kids through this, they don't have a choice.

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