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No smoke without fire, or just Inappropriate?

(11 Posts)
KittyCheshire Tue 19-Jul-16 18:22:00


KittyCheshire Tue 19-Jul-16 18:22:19

First off - DH was cheated on 'cuckolded' by his Ex-Wife, and we both always swore blind we would end the relationship with each other if we fell for anyone else.

I trust him to stick to that, or i thought i did.

This woman is a very long term close/best friend for both of us - 20yrs+ and the friendship does have its risque banter between all of us.

They did sleep with each other once before DH & I became a couple.

They did fall out for a couple of years because of his inappropriate behaviour towards here and his reactions around her meeting men - he reacts, TBH, like a jealous boyfriend and gets almost stalkerish, looking them up on FB, telling her off for taking risks with them...etc.

They spend a lot of time together and it has been joked that other people would think they were having an affair... the 3 of us have talked about it and joked about it, but i trust both of them, mostly because of the first point i made.


A couple of times i've found messages of his and evidence that he's bought her, or offered to buy her underwear, most recently a negligee.. his story (i asked why he was buying it for her) was that he was showing it her to ask her opinion on getting one for me, and she asked him to get one for her as she didnt have an ebay acc.. and he did, and had it mailed directly to her.

Now.. imho, that makes it look even more dodgy, because i knew nothing about it.. surely a 'BFF asked me to get her one when i bought this for you because she liked it' conversation would have assured the innocence of it?

This is on top of another recent 'jealous bf' reaction to her gaining another new boyfriend.. he stalked the bloke on FB in the name of 'protecting her, i want to know who he is'

I dunno.. i just, i've always trusted them, and he seemed quite defensive when i asked about the negligee purchase, and has since refused to get something she has for him (she makes jewellery and he commissioned a bracelet) because i might think its a bit of a co-incidence.

So now i'm sitting here feeling faintly guilty and running my head in circles wondering if he's just not being aware of boundaries, or if they're taking the piss out of me.

ImperialBlether Tue 19-Jul-16 18:25:38

I couldn't live with that. He's very brazen, isn't he? Buying her underwear, being jealous of her seeing other men... I think he's forgotten that you're his partner, not her.

I'd tell him to sling his hook. I wouldn't care if he hadn't actually done anything physical (if they haven't, then they want to) but for treating me like an idiot. You can do much better than this, OP.

WombOfOnesOwn Tue 19-Jul-16 18:35:11

Uh, wow. Is this a joke? It has to be a joke, right? Even if they're not sleeping with each other, your other half clearly wants to be involved in a close, intimate relationship with both of you. If you're not polyamorous, and it sounds like you're not, it's incredibly clear his conduct with her goes way beyond the bounds of friendship.

AyeAmarok Tue 19-Jul-16 18:37:00

I'd vote for taking the piss TBH.

He's certainly got an unhealthy obsession with her, and is way, way to involved in her business.

It's disrespectful to you.

2ManySweets Tue 19-Jul-16 18:40:55

He wants her it seems but he wants to keep you by his side too. Personally I wouldn't tolerate this.

How would he like it if you were buying an ex-shagee of yours budgie smugglers and having a tantrum each time your "friend" got together with a new woman?

Stupidity and disregard for your feelings at best, at worst he's in love with her and waiting for the "correct" conditions to dump you and canter off into the sunset with her. I have a feeling I know which one its most likely to be, alas.

iremembericod Tue 19-Jul-16 18:43:38

You say he acts like her (jealous) boyfriend - are you sure he isn't?

It's wholly inappropriate unless you have an open relationship.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 19-Jul-16 18:46:24

You keep saying you trust them but you clearly don't, and tbh I would say rightly so. Even if nothing happens I don't think I could be with someone who displayed such feelings for someone else.

I'm guessing you received the underwear? I would ask her about that in a chatty way. "Oh DP mentioned you asked for it too" and see her reaction. It might be nothing on her part but with history sometimes feelings linger and sometimes people can completely move on from it. It doesn't sound like he has.

KittyCheshire Tue 19-Jul-16 19:09:20

This is just it, she's a mess... 95% of our friendship involves picking her up out of whatever mess of a failed relationship she's fallen out of, and putting her back together.. she spends a lot of time sat on our couch crying her eyes out one night, then the next night we'll all go to the pub and help her drown her sorrows.

Then after a few weeks of this, she's off in someone other blokes pants and we don't see her for months.

Its how he goes on when she does that gets me, yes its annoying, yes most of the time she's being stupid and staying at the house of a guy she's only just met at the pub, but she's an adult and if anything happens, its her own look out.. iyswim?

I actually don't think there is anything going on, i really think he's just really really not aware of the boundary between friends because we're all so close and known each other so long, and that because we've crossed it together (she's a goth and we've bought her corsets and stuff for presents before) he doesn't see the issue with crossing it without me.

But i dont like it, and i feel like the bad guy for wanting to draw that line in the sand.

You know, its ok to worry about her safety as her stranger danger radar is non-existant, it's not ok to stalk her new boyfriends on FB.

Its ok when we buy her presents like corsets when its something we've discussed and picked out and given her together. Its not ok to buy her things without discussing it with me or telling me about it.

emilybrontescorset Tue 19-Jul-16 19:11:37

I could understand his concern about her boyfriends if he had met them and something didn't feel right about the new boyfriend, however he is stating upfront that he doesn't like her having a boyfriend. This doesn't sound right to me.

I think he is in love with her and you as well.

HuskyLover1 Tue 19-Jul-16 21:43:02

You bought her a corset together? And he's bought her a negligee? WTF.

He is pissing all over your chips. You sound as niave as I was with my first DH. He is massively over stepping boundaries.

Get rid (easier said than done, I know).

Or perhaps you could aquire a new male friend, and you could buy him cock rings and stalk his girlfriends. Let your BF try that on for size.

Come on - wake up.

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