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How to sort out contact arrangements between abusive ex and DS

(25 Posts)
notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 17:51:40

Hey all;

A month ago, I finally took the plunge and dumped DS dad. Though I'm finding it difficult to sort out contact arrangements between DS and ex.

DS dad is supposed to be seeing DS every other Saturday; but he does not do this. Instead, he calls up out of the blue and asks if he could take take DS out: this could be on any day of the week. When he does this, I'm most likely doing something already with DS. Like today; he just called me now to ask if he can take DS to Hyde park (which is very far from us). I told him no as DS and I just literally came back from somewhere and DS already had knocked off to sleep ( his like this when his really hot); I then proceeded to tell ex that he needs to tell me these things in earlier or advance-- or make up a plan when his able to see DS on a particular day regularly... Not just show up here and there.

Am I being unfair? I feel like I am. Also; I do want to avoid any confrontation from DS dad as I did recently broke up with him.

OurBlanche Tue 19-Jul-16 17:56:35

Nope... but it is good that he wants to see him... just be careful not to let his pillockness turn you into a harridan who says no... set your expectations as easily as you can without turning yourself or DS inside out.

Good luck!

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 17:58:41

Thanks ourblache but what do you mean by "harden say no....". Something like that...

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 17:59:26

Pillockness didn't understand Blanche smile

Hissy Tue 19-Jul-16 18:02:40

If your ex is an abuser, tbh, you don't want to encourage contact. He will show your child how to emulate him.

If contact suits, and it's beneficial to the child allow it, if not. Don't.

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 18:08:24

So what do you suggest hissy ?

OurBlanche Tue 19-Jul-16 18:24:08

Sorry... I don't mean make it easy for him. I just meant that his abusiveness and prevaricating can be worked round without you having to turn yourself into someone you don't like.

Is his not sticking to a plan purely to mess you around?
Does he ask last minute just to put you in a position to say no?
Are you scared to say no?

If you answer yes to any of those then you will have to move quickly on to a legal solution, to protect both you and your DS.

I suspect you might say yes to all 3... so please, get legal support and advice, don't wrap yourself up in faulty logic trying to please and appease him! You left him for good reason, didn't you? So allow yourself to be free of him.

Let courts etc decide what is and is not possible... let him rail against them rather than set yourself the impossible task of keeping him happy.

Good luck.

ArmfulOfRoses Tue 19-Jul-16 18:32:24

I would text a stock answer of "ds would love to go to <wherever> with you on your contact day"

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 18:39:53

Ohmygoodness Blanche you are right! I think he mainly does it as he knows I will say no-- hence blame "you never allow me to see DS".

To be honest I am scared to say no and I do feel like I have to please him. I broke up with him cause of his abusive ways and I won't to have the space to move on from him. It's not fair that he thinks that whenever he calls I pick up DS; we have to drop our plans for him. We have a life too. We arranged, with the social worker at the time, that his suppose to see DS every other Saturday ( that's twice a month) and he always comes up with excuses. He takes DS out when he feels like it-- not because it's the responsible think to do as a parent ifyswim.

I would obviously be the one dropping of DS to him and I don't want the ex to try to do anything or try to talk to me. What should I do in terms of legalities; I'm not married to him but his on DS birth certificate... He also doesn't pay child support but that's another thread.

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 18:41:07

I don't know why my last post is underlined hmm

OurBlanche Tue 19-Jul-16 18:48:37

So, you had an informal agreement and he is abusing it to cause you hassle... legal route may be your best bet.

I don't know the proper order to do things in... other MNers do though and I am sure they will be along to help you think through and plan your next moves smile

AcrossthePond55 Tue 19-Jul-16 19:07:23

I agree to go the legal/mediation route and get an agreement set down in writing. Then stick to it.

Why isn't he paying support? He certainly should be. Talk to the solicitor or child support services about that.

Lastly, you don't have to be the one to drop off, or at least not alone. Is there anyone you can arrange to do it instead or accompany you, like a relative or friend? Is your child old enough to walk from your door to his father's car or to the pavement where he's waiting?

If I were you my first step would be to see a solicitor.

Fourormore Tue 19-Jul-16 19:19:44

I personally wouldn't bother with the legal route. It's expensive, draining and you could end up with something you don't want.

There's nothing wrong with saying no to him. So he might go and bad mouth you to others, so what?

The idea above to reply "I'm sure DS would love to do X on his day with you" is perfect. If he asks for more and it's not convenient, just calmly state why - "Sorry, DS is already asleep after a busy day but I'm sure he'd love to do it with you on Saturday".

The broken record technique is perfect. Don't engage with any other communication except for that which is about your DS. Just calmly state and restate your position without any emotion.

If he isn't happy, he can start mediation and court but it doesn't seem like he'd be bothered to me.

OurBlanche Tue 19-Jul-16 19:25:49

Four he currently isn't paying any child support... that's why I think the legal route is worth the hassle.

And he has been abusive, so mediation isn't recommended.

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 19:32:29

Thanks all for your advice.

Our original agreement was with the social worker. His not paying child support because "I have no job, I have no home (he lives in a hostel), I want to save up my money"- His words not mine

OurBlanche Tue 19-Jul-16 19:38:12

Ah! Then go with the informal route then... broken record it is!

FoofFighter Tue 19-Jul-16 19:39:50

Child support is not dealt with by the courts, you'd need to contact childmaintenanceservice.direct.gov.uk/public/.

Even if he is claiming out of work benefits, he is still obliged to pay a minimal amount (think it's £7 a week these days)

I agree with above posts, you need a clear contact plan for you all, it's not fair to expect you to drop everything on his whims, and yes it is a form of control over you.

Can I ask what involvement Social Services have? What are they advising?

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 19:42:57

Fool fighter odd as it sounds; I feel bad for applying for child support-- I don't know why I feel like this as he has no job.

The social worker has left our case; to be honest his sick of DS dad.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 19-Jul-16 19:55:31

You are making it more complicated by pandering to him.

The arrangement is that he has DS every other Saturday. He should pick up or drop off DS. You should have pick up and drop off times.

If he tries to have contact outside those times, remind him by email that his contact day is next Saturday 9am - 7pm or whatever it is, these arrangements were agreed with the social worker because they were in the best interests of DS.

If he doesn't turn up at 9am on the Saturday, or cancels, send an email stating that you are concerned that he did not turn up for / cancelled contact because inconsistency is not in the best interests of DS.

Ignore any other contact. Now you are away from him, he only has the power you give to him. You can choose to give none.

If he chooses to stop contact with his DS when it can't be used as a stick to beat you with, then DS is best off with no contact.

Fourormore Tue 19-Jul-16 19:55:44

Child support has got nothing to do with the courts.

Certainly go to the CMS for maintenance but I really can't see the benefit of using the court for contact arrangements.

FoofFighter Tue 19-Jul-16 20:16:39

Is the father named on the birth certificate? Without a court order, if the father has PR (parental responsibility) he could legally decide to not return the child. You would have to go to court to get him returned.

If he has no PR then I would stay out of the courts if you possibly can. They stir things up and it can make a bad situation more inflamed.

SW no longer involved as they are sick of the dad? hmm

smilingeyes11 Tue 19-Jul-16 20:40:17

I agree with RunRabbit - he picks up on the alternate Saturday on the time stated and that is it. If SS told him to do that and he isn't sticking to it then quite frankly it is not your problem. Any other requests for last minute pissing around should be ignored. And you most definitely do need to go to CMS for maintenance too.

notgivingin789 Tue 19-Jul-16 22:45:26

Fooffighter that's what the SW told me in secret what he really felt about him. But they are not involved now as there's been no other incidents of domestic violence; they were happy with how things are going-- on my side anyway and decided to close the case. I think funding was an issue to but I'm just guessing.

cestlavielife Tue 19-Jul-16 23:39:42

You don't need the sw
You do need some counselling or assertiveness yourself..to follow as above and just say "your contact day is saturday."

FoofFighter Wed 20-Jul-16 09:12:46

google the Freedom programme. You can access it online or go to a group, sounds like it'd be really useful for you.

If you join the FB group Single Parents Support UK, you can access it for free if you PM the Admins

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