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How do you move on when your DH doesn't want another baby but you do?

(63 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Tue 19-Jul-16 13:55:17

There's a whole heap of backstory to mine and DH's "shall we/sharn't we" discussions around having DC2 which have been going on for about 12 months now but the other night DH told me that he definitely does not want another baby.

I always knew it was me who wanted DC2 more than him but I never thought he'd absolutely say no. Over the last 12 months he's chopped and changed his opinions, sent mixed messages, generally leaving me clueless as to what he really wants, but the other night he made it quite clear that another baby isn't what he wants.

I was so upset and still am. When he told me I held back the tears but I have since cried on him twice. We've had mini fights about it too.

I know that he's well within his rights to not want another child, his feelings are just as valid as my feelings of wanting another, but I'm still struggling with the finality of it.

I have accepted his decision because I know there's not much else I can do, but I don't know how to move on from it.

It feels like the white elephant in the room.

Has anybody else been in this position?

ahsan Tue 19-Jul-16 22:47:56

Yes me, Sure you know me from conception talk. I was in same position as you I really wanted another baby and one minute he would say OK we will try then and then change his mind. Was really painful for me, this happened over a number of years. Had fights with him too. He then decided that we would try for a baby in November which I painfully agreed on as thought he may change his mind again. Was very hard but everything changed when he had an accident (not too sure) lol and i'm now one month into my pregnancy and hes happy. Don't give up there still is a chance if hes 50 50. You know your husband and your the only one who knows what to do hahaha. He might be feeling pressured which is why hes saying no now. I know my husband did. So sorry your facing this and hope you come out happy in the end smile

LellyMcKelly Wed 20-Jul-16 09:00:18

If he has told you outright that he doesn't want another, believe him. It must have been hard for him, knowing how you felt, to say that. You are unlikely to change his mind. You need to decide what you want to do - either accept that you will not have another child, or leave him and have a child with someone else further down the line (no guarantees of that, of course).

summerainbow Wed 20-Jul-16 09:17:18

You have learn to accept it . And plan your life here on in . I wanted more kids never had them in think I will regret forever but it was not the right decision to make at time . You have to make work for you . So get all your plan set up and fulfill them if you can . If you want do x you and z. Do them .

SanityAssassin Wed 20-Jul-16 11:47:06

you will regret it forever. DH didn't want more - it will always be the thing
with us. We are no longer happy (at least i''m not and hes happy having the house slave he has whilst hating her and ignoring her)

DeusExDomina Wed 20-Jul-16 13:17:19

You're within your rights to see this as a deal breaker if you think it's going to affect your relationship. Not that I'm saying LTB but rather maybe some counselling as a couple to see where this decision leaves you.

ahsan Wed 20-Jul-16 20:39:25

Was a deal breaker for me and he knew this. Hope you come to some agreement smile

Tuesday11 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:05:00

I can completely relate to this. DP and I always planned to have a second child but he kept putting it off, making excuses and definitely sending mixed messages.

He has made it clear now that he definitely doesn't want another child and I am struggling with it a lot. I have had counselling which did help but still doesn't stop me feeling upset.

I do feel for you OP. The resentment in particular has been very hard to deal with for me. I hope you are able to move forward xx

Writerwannabe83 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:26:08

Thanks everyone for your replies. I wouldn't leave him over it but things just feel strange now.

He's told me doesn't want another and in his eyes that it, all done, topic closed forever and he's acting like there is no problem, whereas I'm like 'Well actually this is a really big deal?!'

I think I feel more sad for our DS than I do for myself.

ahsan Thu 21-Jul-16 11:13:41

I told my hubby that it was a deal breaker but knew we wouldnt leave each other anyway smile been together over 12 years so know way that was happening smile Don't know what to say writer other then to ask him why hes come up with that decision. Maybe later he will change his mind later, dont know smile

Writerwannabe83 Thu 21-Jul-16 11:32:46

It's always been me that spoke about trying for DC and after 6 months or so of talking about it he finally agreed last November that we should try. I sorted out getting my Coil removed and come January TTC began and I conceived on our first cycle. We were both happy and excited. Unfortunately I miscarried at 6 weeks and we were both devastated.

DH wanted to start trying again straight away but I didn't feel ready and we waited a couple of months. I didn't conceive in our first cycle of trying again and then things got put on hold for two months due to injuries my husband from a sports game and then subsequently an operation he has to have.

This brings us to now and this month was going to be the start of TTC'ing again. Over the last two weeks DH has been quite distant and it finally resulted in him telling me now doesn't want another baby. Ever.

We've had a really rough couple of months with our DS (sleep issues) and we've all been our last legs with exhaustion and frustration and DH has said that he's not prepared to go through it all again, he said he just can't do it.

To be honest I felt like I was racing against a clock because I knew that if I didn't conceive this year then t would never happen. I always felt deep down that DH would change his mind.

He was just so definite about it. He's even looked into going to have a vasectomy sad

Tuesday11 Fri 22-Jul-16 20:57:55

So sorry you're going through this. If your husband has definitely made a decision I guess you just need to focus of coming to terms with it sad
I also had a miscarriage after DD so part of coming to terms with not having another has been trying not to think what if the miscarriage didn't happen. I've been trying to focus on the advantages of just having one child - it is hard though

Gardencentregroupie Fri 22-Jul-16 21:00:15

Has he changed his mind back again writer?

Writerwannabe83 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:00:59

Thanks Tuesday

My DH and I actually DTD last night, he knew I was in my fertile week but still went ahead anyway. Then today, we were visiting friends and he was going on again about how he's quite happy with just the one child.

This is what I mean my mixed messages. It just doesn't make sense.

Will you not try for another baby then?

Writerwannabe83 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:02:27

I can't bear the messing with my head and I just don't know how to deal with it all. One minute he's adamant that he doesn't want another and then a few days later he completely backtracks.

It's not fair.

Propertyquandry Fri 22-Jul-16 21:11:45

He is being very unfair to you by being happy to have unprotected sex whilst saying he doesn't want another baby. How do you think he would react if you told him it was a dealbreaker? My friend was sad her DH made this decision but was sure she didn't want to end her marriage over it. 10yrs down the line and she is eaten up with anger and bitterness over it. She has slowly come to resent him massively. She was confident that would nt happen but it has. If there's even a possibility you could be 'my friend' 10yrs from now then you must explain this to him. He has every right to stick to his decision. But he must understand that he's risking your happiness and possibly his marriage.

expatinscotland Fri 22-Jul-16 21:12:14

It would be a dealbreaker for me if I had only one child.

Lilacpink40 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:15:54

I completely empathise. My STBXH did this years ago, happy for unprotective sex but saying we shouldn't have DC2. Drove me mad (literally as had a phantom pregnancy).

We split up, he apologised and we got back together. After TTC issues we had DC2. He resented me for years and was passive agressive and controlling.

Pros: I have 2 lovely DCs.
Cons: out of 2 decades the last 10 have at times felt very cold and lonely.

OhTheRoses Fri 22-Jul-16 21:25:24

Bloody hell op. We got married wanting four. Two second trimester miscarriages later and a third trimester baby who didn't make it, he was adamant one was enough. I screamed and railed (only child) and said I'd spend every penny and live in a cardboard box for the sake of another baby. He said he'd spend another £100 on further tests/investgations.

Ahem. We made up when we shouldn't have. Resulted in dd. Every time he transfers the school fees I let slip "so mu h for the £100 pound baby, snort"

He was very unsure. As soon as she was born he wandered round the delivery room with he on his shoulder wittering, "she's lovely, she's gorgeous" and stroking her back.

Look na k and think I should just have got pg and told him and cut out a lot of arguments and grief.

Hope it works put op.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:28:33

It sounds so messy and complicated.

When I was pregnant with DS I had some issues with my health and we both agreed that if both I and baby came out the other pregnancy unscathed then we would count our blessing. I really believed it when I said that but about 12 months of DS being born I began to think about having a second.

So admittedly, it was me who moved the goal posts and for many months DH was adamant he wanted to stick at one but the more I talked about it he started to relent until finally, a few months before DS was 2 DH agreed to a second. I fell pregnant as soon as my Mirena was removed, we were both over the moon but then I miscarried.

I think it's because we've had such a rough time with DS over the last 6 weeks that he's now gone back to saying he doesn't want another. But if he really meant it why would he be having unprotected sex with me?

I read a story on the conception forum once about a couple who were actively trying to conceive but then when she finally got pregnant he freaked out, decided he wasn't ready to be a dad and said she had to terminate or it was over. I was gobsmacked as I read it, it was just heartbreaking.

I just know that if I do get pregnant i will be so nervous of telling DH.

expatinscotland Fri 22-Jul-16 21:34:51

'decided he wasn't ready to be a dad and said she had to terminate or it was over. I was gobsmacked as I read it, it was just heartbreaking.'

Then she was married to a twunt. I hope she put him to the kerb.

If he's having unprotected sex with you, then why on Earth would be 'nervous' to tell him you're pregnant if it happens? He knows damn well how babies are made.

BertieBeats Fri 22-Jul-16 21:37:10

Is he generally indecisive ? I wanted a third badly but the actual thought of it freaked me out. Even when I finally tested positive j had a week of OMG we can't do this but now I'm 16 weeks and definitely don't regret it. Maybe he's thinking too much about it ,thinking of finances ,logistics etc...which is putting him off.

KeepitDown Fri 22-Jul-16 21:48:35

Dealbreaker for me.

I told my DH that it was perfectly within his right to choose not to have another child, but that I was going to (with a sperm donor if necessary), and I absolutely would have.

If he wanted to leave over that, it would be his prerogative.

He then changed his mind, stating he "didn't know it was that big of a deal for me." This despite many, many arguments and crying while expressing exactly how much of a big deal it was to me.

I'm still angry that it took that much for him to take any kind of notice of how I actually felt. But I never would have forgiven him (or myself) if I had not had any more children because of his actually not very strong wishes.

However, I also absolutely did not mean it as an idle threat or to emotionally pressure him into it. He would not prevent me from having another child, and if he felt strongly about it enough to leave, then so be it.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:54:31

expat - they weren't married, just a long term couple, and unfortunately she did terminate. It was a very shocking song heartbreaking

I think that's why I'd be nervous about telling DH, I would want him to be happy about it but part of me would be scared he'd focus on his perceived negatives and take the enjoyment away from it.

As it stands I know I would never leave him over it, it definitely isn't a deal breaker for me, but I would find it hard to come to terms with if there never was a second child.

Lilacpink40 Fri 22-Jul-16 22:01:13

Not a dealbreaker but will it damage your sanity?

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