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Update r.e. FWB and abortion

(20 Posts)
IceAndASliceWithSoda Tue 19-Jul-16 08:14:48

On Sunday night I went to his house like a fool. We were in bed watching modern family (awkwardly enough it was an episode about having a baby, ffs) when he said 'so are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?' I replied with 'what's that?' He said 'the termination, do you want to talk about it? How do you feel?'

I said 'I'm fine, it was a very simple procedure, I'm just pleased it's all over'

Essentially the main points from the night are this-
He said he was shocked when I messaged him to tell him but he was completely shell shocked when he saw me and it made it seem very real

He said he found it weird there was this thing that could have been a child but is now gone

He's pleased I had an abortion but before this he didn't want kids whereas now he isn't so sure because he thinks it would be quite cool to have a child

Direct quote from him 'it's made me realise there's a consequence to sex' he sex that it made him think what if I had kept it, what if I had found out when it was too late and kept it

He asked what I would have done if I had found out at something like 22 weeks and had felt it move, would I really have a termination then? I said yes then jokingly said 'I would just give it to your mother because she obviously likes children' (he has many siblings), he replied with 'my mother would definitely take in a child'

He kept saying he was shell shocked and just completely freaked out by the whole thing because seeing me made him realise he could have had a child

He asked when the due date would have been
He kept asking if I was ok, he cuddles me in the night and said 'as long as you're ok, that's the most important thing'

He said that his mother had considered an abortion with his youngest brother but the doctor told her to go home and think about it (this was 20 or so years ago) and it was a good thing she did, he said 'nobody actually regrets their child when they have them'

He asked if I would have told him if I had kept it, because he would want to know if he had a child

He said (I think he was joking) that he was actually offended by how 'callous' I was about getting rid of his child because he's so great it's offensive that I didn't want it

He said pregnancy and abortion were a major turn off so although we tried to have sex once he didn't come- we just cuddled
All night.

In the morning I left when he was in the shower but, like Cinderella, had left some stuff in his bathroom so he shouted me back and I collected them from him at the door. We said an awkward goodbye.

Last night I messaged to say I hoped he was less shell shocked and he replied with 'hey, I'm sorry, it's my fault. I don't know what made it hit me like that'

I feel better for seeing him and hearing his thoughts, although I am very confused by his reaction so any opinions on this are welcome!!!

Taylor22 Tue 19-Jul-16 08:19:58

Hope you're OK OP. It sounds like he was verbally processing it all and just saying every thought that came to him. It's a lot for you both to go through and it sounds like you've both been very mature and healthy about It.
It's good you've got each other to talk to about it.

IceAndASliceWithSoda Tue 19-Jul-16 10:38:36

I'm absolutely fine smile I suppose that was what he was doing, I was a bit shocked by some of the things he said but they're all normal reactions I guess. That's the end of the road with him though, the goodbye was awkward and the conversation last night didn't lead to any more. I'm shocked by how mature he's been tbh

Isetan Tue 19-Jul-16 10:48:11

In all honesty, his maturity isn't half as shocking as your immaturity. Hopefully, you will learn from this and not be so cavalier about your behaviour and how it impacts on others as well as on yourself.

princessmi12 Tue 19-Jul-16 10:58:00

I read your first post
To be fair I think you owe him an apology
You should message him and say ,the reason you didn't let him know before its because you thought he didn't care about you and definitely wouldn't care about pregnancy.
He doesn't sound like a complete asshole.
To be honest if you want him that much, relationship with him seem possible if you stop pretending to be this coldhearted girl.Be honest with him,let your guard off and see if he reciprocates.

ButIbeingpoor Tue 19-Jul-16 12:05:25

Isetan how supportive do you think your post was?

princessmi12 Tue 19-Jul-16 12:19:07

Does it have to be supportive? To make OP feel better in instant moment? But wont help her in long-term because people don't want to upset OP and make her realise her wrongdoings

ButIbeingpoor Tue 19-Jul-16 12:28:17

I thought the Relationship topic was for support. Hard advice can be given in a supportive way. It doesn't have to be unnecessarily harsh or too sweet to swallow.
What is the point of posting superfluous criticism? The op asked for help to understand her fwb's reactions. Taylor did this and the op seems happy enough to consider this point of view.

princessmi12 Tue 19-Jul-16 12:41:45

perception is very subjective. Maybe it looks to YOU as unnecessarily harsh

category12 Tue 19-Jul-16 13:54:20

Actually he sounds a bit of a dick to me. I think it's good it's over between you.

You did the right thing in the situation, don't second guess yourself.

Hellothereitsme Tue 19-Jul-16 17:12:48

I think this has shown that some men do have feelings when it comes to babies. If someone had told me that they had terminated my baby I think I would have processed it like he did. Most people do care. You sound like you are trying to hide your feelings and therefore come across as hard. When he said are we going to talk about the elephant in the room you acted as though you didn't know what he was talking about. You then made the bloke explain. Yet you knew what he was saying so why did you play games with him. Why did you leave the house when he was in the shower? That is also harsh. Act like an adult and just say bye. If you are going to have sex then you need to act responsibly. I do hope you are going to use precautions now and if that means the pill and a condom then so be it. I feel sad for both of you. He was honest with you.

Isetan Tue 19-Jul-16 18:04:56

ButIbeingpoor I think calling the OP immature was bloody mild. The truth is she's been bloody stupid (not using a condom with a fuck buddy) and appearing oblivious that her fuck buddy might have feelings about her termination. I hope she's learnt a few valuable lessons but unfortunately her posts don't indicate that she understands, let alone acknowledges her behaviour.

category12 Tue 19-Jul-16 18:18:00

If they failed to use contraception, that is on them both, not just her. hmm

And it's her decision and she doesn't have to feel anything about it, not guilty, not sad and she certainly doesn't have to manage his feelings about it. Abortion isn't something we can have but have to feel bad about ourselves for.

Sometimes it's the right thing for a woman. And it's not hard or wrong for her to be OK with that decision and not riddled with guilt or misgivings.

IceAndASliceWithSoda Tue 19-Jul-16 19:58:03

Thank you all for your replies. I don't know why I denied knowing what the elephant in the room was- I think because I like him so much and so want to please him I wanted him to think everything was fine and there wasn't an elephant in the room. I regret leaving in the morning whilst he was in the shower but we said goodbye in the end when he handed me my toiletries at the door, it was awkward but that's that.

I was the first to message last night and when he replied with 'hey, I'm sorry, it's my fault. I don't know what made it hit me like that' I then replied with 'I'm pleased you know and feel less shell shocked. It feels more real to me now having seen you'

The poster who said I didn't think he would care about the pregnancy because he doesn't care about me is right- I can't piece together in my head how he can be so understanding and caring about the pregnancy but not care about me. I know I need to get over him but can't, I keep analysing his actions over and over along with ever word he said in my head.

I had never considered men have feelings about unplanned pregnancies and I'm still struggling to accept he has feelings about it despite his words indicating he does.

Thank you to you all

Hellothereitsme Tue 19-Jul-16 20:28:47

Ice - I think your last post is very honest and open. Look after yourself. Perhaps look at why you want to have FWB? Fine if you can handle it but as soon as feelings come into it someone is gong to get hurt. Work n building up your self esteen. You have to love yourself before other people will love you. Good luck.

iremembericod Tue 19-Jul-16 20:30:41

I think there is a big journey for you in being able to face up and express how you actually feel and deal with whatever comes back to you rather than hide away and pretend to be cool.

Saying how we actually feel is one of the hardest things we can ever learn to do, it makes us feel vulnerable but the strength in doing that is immense.

IceAndASliceWithSoda Tue 19-Jul-16 20:49:47

I still can't register that he perhaps does care about the pregnancy, because although he said he was pleased I had an abortion his words were also caring. Gosh now I'm winding myself up thinking if I had kept it I would have had a part of him. Ive got to stop thinking like this. Also, I'm
Now thinking that if he actually did care about the pregnancy then maybe there's a tiny hope he cares about me

iremembericod Tue 19-Jul-16 20:56:21

I'm pretty sure there is no going back in terms of a relationship here, what I meant was that learning to express your feelings may improve the types of relationships you have in the future.

You will never know if he cared because you deliberately avoided the conversations, and now too much has happened to recover (I'd have thought)

Some reflection on what you actually want from a relationship and how you can learn to express that may be a really positive step forward.

Isetan Tue 19-Jul-16 21:02:31

The OP had an earlier deleted thread where she revealed that she did use contraception but didn't use a condom, which many thought was not very smart considering she was involved in a fuck buddy arrangement. Contraception is a joint responsibility but you'd think that the Op would be more invested in her sexual health than some random.

princessmi12 Tue 19-Jul-16 23:25:04

Wells I'd say if you and him were cuddling all night it's at least friends situation now not fuck buddy .
OP read my first comment on the thread again I don't want to repeat myself

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