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I'm a fool and Don't I know it

(42 Posts)
Elsasalterego Mon 18-Jul-16 23:45:00

'D'H is a verbally abusive twat. He has me on anxiety tablets and seeing a cbt therapist but I'm still with him. He's always so irritated by me and gets angry with me for the slightest things. I constantly have to watch what I say or else it will get him going. Sometimes I get it wrong and accidentally criticise him and then he blows. Got home to find him having a rage clean up of the house (normally I clean but I've been busy lately so it's got a bit messy). I was basically scared of him. Ended up sobbing on the floor of the utility room. He shouted at me for being manipulative. I'm an idiot, a total fool, I need to leave him but I am a gutless twat. We are due to meet friends on holiday in two days time. I can't face it. Do I have the guts to ruin their holiday by leaving the bastard? I tried to leave tonight at 10pm and he said I had to take the kids and the dog. So I've scuttled into my 4 yo DD's bedroom where there is a trundle bed and told him I will leave in the morning as not fair to get the kids up. Plus I have nowhere to take us all- but I would be able to sleep on a friend's sofa.

nowaybaby Tue 19-Jul-16 00:01:00

Your friends will understand. Please leave, he sounds awful. Can you contact Women's Aid for support? You need to be free of him.

Rowanhart Tue 19-Jul-16 00:04:27

He sounds awful OP. He needs to go, not you and rest of family.

But can I ask, are you both drinking tonight because sounds all very dramatic and fuelled in some way?

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 00:12:22

Sadly not- we don't really drink. Unfortunately this is just life with him.
I woke up to the fact he's verbally abusive about 3 years ago but I'm so gutless I haven't managed to do anything about it.
Meanwhile my kids (4 and 6) are seeing me be put down in front of them, shouted at when he is irritated or angry with me (he says he is not shouting but it makes my heart race and I get hugely anxious so it feels like shouting to me).
He thinks I'm just over reacting because I'm still suffering post natal anxiety.
He says things like 'here we go again' every time I get upset about the way he talks to me.
I have nowhere to go if I leave. The house comes with his job. We have tenants in ours- in another city.

SandyY2K Tue 19-Jul-16 00:17:58

Can't he look after the dog? Surely you have enough to deal with having the kids. You can look into foster care for the dog, but you and the kids are most important.

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 00:26:44

I'm the one the dog comes to because he mostly ignores her. She is just a puppy. I have arranged his friends to look after her when we are supposed to go away so I could still take them up on that but would also be scared of the legalities of leaving her and him stopping me from getting her back. Fuckity fuck fuck. I am so gutless I am probably going to do nothing. He is fast asleep. He will wake up tomorrow and be furious with me for stepping out of line and then he will say all sorts of things and I will realise I have no options and I will just stay with him, then I will go on holiday with him and have to be so grateful because he has provided a wonderful holiday for us.

nowaybaby Tue 19-Jul-16 00:36:03

It doesn't have to be like that OP. Please keep posting for good advice about leaving, or getting him out. What about WAid?

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 00:46:25

Oh women's aid are there for cases of much more serious abuse than mine- I couldn't bear
To take away their limited resources when someone who is being physically abused needs their help. This is definitely something I have to do myself. He has strong beliefs about getting physical and although he sees me as an inferior to him who it is ok to mock and control, he wouldn't lift a finger to me. He only ever hit a guy once ever, and has walked away from confrontations despite being provoked. But he will never ever let me forget the time I lost my rag and tried to hit him.

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 00:48:06

Meant to say he only ever hit a guy once and certainly not a woman.

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 00:49:27

I am going to try and get some sleep now-
Thanks for your answers.

Hissy Tue 19-Jul-16 00:53:31

Firstly, don't panic. You're not as trapped as you think you are. Trust me.

Now is not the time to do your thinking. When you wake up tomorrow you can start to think. For now, rest as best you can.

What you do need to do is inform yourself.

Find out what help you can get from your friends and any family. Speak to a solicitor to find out where your legal position is. If you don't have a solicitor or can't afford one speak to cab.

You have a property, and is rented out, you can give your tenants notice and move into that house.

You have options.

Please my love, try to do me a favour? Please stop saying how useless you are, how gutless you are, you are none of these things.

You're telling yourself what he has been telling you for a very long time. Things he has convinced you that you are. He is completely wrong. Your friends probably know more than you think they do and if they are your true friends they will support you, if they do not support you they are not your friends. He will not need them on the next part of your journey they need to be moved to side to make space for those he will help you. You do have to be as rigourous as this. Your future and your children's future happiness relies heavily on this.

Stay calm. It will be okay. You are not alone. There are many many many women who have been where you are now and Have come out the other side and are a million times happier than they could ever have possibly imagined. Your children will blossom within hours within a couple of days of being out of this poisonous environment trust me I've seen it with my own eyes . My own son aged five.

Rest. Sleep, think tomorrow. Plan.

Hissy Tue 19-Jul-16 00:58:26

Women's aid are there for all women suffering from abusive relationships of any scale.

I had to use WA just to give me the strength to book myself on the freedom programme. without a friendly ear I would never have made made that call.

Women's aid is exactly the right place for you to call it's a real life voice it's a real live person it's like mums net but real.

Name-calling and emotional abuse of far far more lasting and damaging than a hit or a punch. It is impossible for us to recover from verbal and mental abuse without support from organisations like W.A. all professional therapists.

Please call WA it's a really good idea.

Sleep well, we will catch up with you in the morning everything will feel a little bit better. You've taken the big step today to realise exactly the situation you are in.

Holly1975 Tue 19-Jul-16 01:04:29

I've just read all your posts, and the emotional abuse you have suffered is really evident. You've called yourself useless and gutless over and over again. You're none of those things, the fact you are talking about leaving is really brave. Don't let him win, and if you think those things about yourself how can you be the best parent you can be to your children. It's not too late to show them that their mum is worth more. Growing up we had nothing because my mum left my useless abusive dad. I always knew growing up that he shouted at her, called her names and beat her and she didn't want us exposed to it - and I've always respected her so much, even though I never had new clothes, parties, a nice home (enough food even) I respected her for protecting us from an abusive man. As a result I just wouldn't take it myself. If not for you - do it for your children or they will think it's ok to treat people/be treated that way. Get out whilst they are still young and believe me they will love and respect you for it.

LilacInn Tue 19-Jul-16 01:12:05

You are more worried about taking women's aid resources than mobilizing any and all possible assistance to rescue your children from that godforsaken and extremely situation ? Words fail me at that.

Why don't you let women's aid be the judge of how they want to use their resources? Your children are being mentally and emotionally damaged every single day.

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 07:54:26

So this morning he has just stayed in bed (he asked my son where I was so he has checked that I have stayed put). I will get the kids off to school and then go to work myself. I am a teacher and I finish work today so there is no way I can call in sick.

I am going to have to go on the holiday. The kids have been talking about it all morning. We booked it in December and they have been talking about it since. They know where we are going as its the same place as last yer.

He is a manipulative twat and he will gloss over his shit treatment of me whilst we are away. But I have had enough. I am going to leave. Just not this week. I am going to make a plan. I am going to speak to women's aid. I am going to come clean with my therapist. I turned up to cbt unable to recognise when it was me being overly sensitive and when it was my husband being an arse and I am learning to recognise the difference. And when it's me being overtly sensitive it's usually because I'm so on edge the whole time as I'm never really sure how he's going to react.

I can't afford the mortgage on our flat but I will get a bedsit if need be. I'm going to be sweetness and light and in the background I'm going to plan and get out within the month. I just hope hope hope I have the guts to follow through!

something2say Tue 19-Jul-16 08:02:18

The main thing to do when with him is avoid him at all costs. When on the holiday, try to remain with other people as much as poss so he can't abuse you as much.


Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 09:12:28

Thanks. Things are really frosty in the house but I made myself 'apologise' to him for overreacting last night to make things a bit more bearable (fingers crossed of course). I also said I wasn't going to take the kids holiday off them but if he wanted then I wouldn't go. He told me to do what I want so I told him I am going to go. Luckily we will be with other people all but 2 evenings and I may try and wrangle that those don't happen. Then I am going to get back and start to make my move. I have looked for flats and houses locally to get an idea of pricing and I know there is no chance I can afford to rent round here but as its the holidays I could always take the kids and stay with my parents who live 2 hours away. DD starts school in September and DS goes into year 2 so I can always look into schools local to them as well or even home school them if need be. I wonder if I'm making a terrible mistake going on the holiday but I just can't bring myself to take it away from the kids.

Chillyegg Tue 19-Jul-16 09:31:32

Ok I've just left a relationship like this. That horrible feeling of knowing that something won't be right and being called a nasty name everyday grumpy dsd you down. My ex also hit me and has an affair the lady in question is now 9 months pregnant. Leave it will be hard...but my god the relief to be able to do what you want and not be scared is just ahmazing g. My dd us loads happier she's only one but tye positive views around her are so tangible she's a happier kid.

Dolphinsanddinosaurs Tue 19-Jul-16 09:38:25

I am so glad to see you have the beginnings of a plan. Please please stop putting yourself down though, the last thing you are is gutless, or over sensitive! While you are getting ready to leave please try to work on believing in yourself. Do not let yourself listen to his nastiness. You can do this!

paddypants13 Tue 19-Jul-16 09:45:10

Just a really quick one and I haven't rtft so sorry if this has already been mentioned.

The Dogs' Trust run a scheme called the Freedom Project, which fosters dogs for women fleeing abuse.

Best wishes op. flowers

Elsasalterego Tue 19-Jul-16 19:03:47

Thanks for the support.
I think I am going to need it.
Luckily I've remembered the breeder did say if I ever needed to give up the puppy she would take it back and give the money back too. As she's really bothered who ends up with one of her dogs. But I will try my best to keep her as she is like my third child- love her to bits! But I know
I won't necessarily be able to take her with me wherever I go.

Been at work all day- DH had day off. No ironing done for holiday- kitchen a tip from his lunch and his and kids tea. I had to tidy then put kids in bath and read books and he has pissed off out to the gym. So selfish it's unbelievable.

newworldnow Tue 19-Jul-16 20:42:47

Good luck with the holiday you might even enjoy bits of it with the others and kids. Great that is the hols too. Glad you've begun to detach from him. Keep postingflowers

RandomMess Tue 19-Jul-16 20:48:00

I have to say I would hand your puppy back, it's just not the right time sad

IonaNE Tue 19-Jul-16 21:02:00

OP, I also second giving the puppy back. It is not the right time and it is one more thing to worry about. Since you are a teacher, you have 7 weeks to leave your abusive H and you should also have a decent salary. Look round for rentals and leave.

Elsasalterego Wed 20-Jul-16 02:16:51

He is playing all sorts of weird mind games with me and I am getting quite scared. He's been doing the usual criticising whilst I packed but he seems to be ramping it up a bit. It's almost like because he's had some time off work he's now bored so he can play with my head instead. And it's almost like he has only just realised he can play such games (most of the time he is a complete arsehole without even realising it). Just now he wanted to hang some stuff in the airing cupboard that he wanted for the holiday. So he had to remove all the clothes I had hung earlier this evening which annoyed him and he really pointedly did it and painstakingly folded everything which is not what I would do -I would just chuck it in the next cupboard along for
The next stage of sorting when I have time.
But he put all his beautifully folded stuff in that cupboard and then he emptied all the towels off the shelves and started folding them all and putting them away as I hadn't put them in neatly. And he was whistling really loudly whilst he did it, just to let me know that's what he was doing. And it was 1.30am! I had to sit in the living room in the dark it was upsetting me. I feel so anxious I feel sick. It was so weird I just didn't know what he'd do next.

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