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Boyfriend has no ambitions in life

12 replies

Fmlgirl · 18/07/2016 18:57

Exactly what it says. My boyfriend has been in the same job since leaving uni 12 or so years ago. He claims he has no transferrable skills to apply somewhere else, which is complete rubbish.

Until we moved together a year ago, he lived with his mother. He doesn't want to start saving for a house because he will inherit his mothers anyway. I myself am a university drop out, 3 years younger, from a different country and more successful already with good earning potential. He also says we cannot get married because we can't afford it and can't have a baby for the same reason. He says he wants to but cannot afford it. When I pulled him up on it he said that he didn't think a cheap wedding was what I wanted. They are likely to be excuses I presume as we are both in our 30ies.

I cannot understand how someone does not want to better themselves in life and also whether those are acceptable grounds to just move on with my life and let this relationship go as much as we generally rub along really well.

OP posts:

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MyKingdomForBrie · 18/07/2016 18:58

You don't need an excuse but I'd say it's a damn good reason! You don't want the same things or have the same mindset. Move on.

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PacificDogwod · 18/07/2016 19:01

Move on, live your life and allow him to lead his.

You will not change him.
Staying with him will be frustrating for you and there's a danger you'll turn in to a nag (the definition of nagging being stuff not being done…).

You have different values in life and this is unlikely to change or get better with time. Sorry.
Move on and have a great life

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TheCrumpettyTree · 18/07/2016 19:06

I think he doesn't want to marry or have children with you. If you want either of those move on.

FWIW I once had a bf who had no ambition whatsoever. It was so frustrating and was partly the reason we split up. I paid for all sorts of things while he drifted along in life pretending to apply for a better job.

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marblestatue · 18/07/2016 19:12

There's nothing wrong with being unambitious, but it seems you have different outlooks and aren't compatible.

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Isetan · 18/07/2016 21:26

Stop trying to change him, this is who he is. Either accept him for who he is or move on but handwringing can't change him or make him more compatible.

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cheminotte · 18/07/2016 21:28

That sounds like a good enough reason to split up to me.

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AyeAmarok · 18/07/2016 21:32

You're just not compatible, long term.

That's OK, that's what your twenties are for. In your thirties you need to make smarter choices rather than sitting back and letting life happen to you, and then bemoaning your lack of house/family/money when you're forty...

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SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 22:06

Find a BF with ambition.

You can't change him.
He doesn't want to change.
You want a more ambitious man.

Added to that he's got excuses not to marry or have kids with you, but I think that's a blessing in disguise, otherwise you might stay with him.

He's kind of opposite to one Ex of mine. He had all these pie in the sky dreams and no way to achieve them. I dumped him in the end, because I was just so irritated with his dreams.

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MummyBex1985 · 18/07/2016 22:15

I couldn't be with someone with no ambition, but DH and I both constantly work to the next level in everything. Only you know if it's a deal breaker.

I could be with someone who hadn't reached their goals as long as they had some to strive for...

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StillDrSethHazlittMD · 19/07/2016 08:12

Lack of ambition in itself is not necessarily a bad thing (if that person is really happy and fulfilled in their job and earns enough to live on and do the things they want, that, frankly, is better than someone who works all hours in a job they hate, never has enough time to spend with you, has money but not around to enjoy it etc).

I gave up a high powered, high earning job many years ago for a less stressful, no commute, much more rewarding job that pays about half the amount. I am much healthier and happier. I love my work and have now been there 11 years. The field I am in is relatively small and can be quite precarious but I am in a "safe" place. I make a difference in my job. I have no immediate plans to leave.

Does this automatically mean I would be a rubbish boyfriend? I hope not! You can have other dreams - visiting certain places or hobbies that fulfil those dreams. I don't think there is anything wrong with "settling" once you have found what you want and achieved what you want if you are truly happy. My ambition is to find someone to spend and share life with. I don't think that's a bad thing.

I don't think the job bit is actually the problem here. It's the other stuff. Because they show no DRIVE and I think that is what is important rather than ambition. If you have drive for what you do, enthusiasm for what you do, and a certain amount of independence, that's what counts. That is clearly what your chap lacks and that's the compatibility issue.