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He needs space and I am sad

(42 Posts)
Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 17:29:22

My dp of 15 months is going through a really difficult time. His ex is trying to reduce his access to his son and it is having to go to court. He's a very involved father and this is breaking him. He's also under an intense amount of pressure at work. He's become very emotionally withdrawn and silent. I think he's been seeing me out of duty rather than wanting to see me sometimes. At times he says he just wants to lie in bed with the duvet over his head. He seems to have lost pleasure in everything he used to enjoy. He thinks he still loves me but he can't feel anything very much at the moment as he's numb. He said those feelings don't just go away and he thinks it is his situation. I have have become anxious and needy which obviously is the last thing he needs right now. I tried to end it on Sunday but we both ended up crying. Sunday night we talked and I said that I thought there was still love there and I didn't want to just let go. I told him I'd be there if he needed me but that rather than feeling he was obliged to see me on certain days, I'd give him space and he could come to me when he really wanted to see me. I said that dealing with the court and solicitors was the most important thing right now, that he was not to worry about us and that we would be ok. He will be in touch I know, but I find uncertainty really really hard. Neither of us want to end things yet, but I'm trying so hard not to feel rejected. He's clearly very low at the moment. I guess I'm posting on here for the support I need right now, as he needs room to get through his issues alone and I'm very sad too. We really have had something special and I hope we can come through this. Obviously there are no guarantees. I just need a big cuddle right now. I love this man so very much and he's hurting and I can't help him.

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 17:39:55

Just bumping. Sorry for the v v long post!

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 17:57:37

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry I know it's not really a question. I might just need a bit of reassurance. I don't want to just prolong the inevitable but I do really think we have a chance here if I can hand on.

GashleyCrumbTiny Mon 18-Jul-16 18:03:26

He sounds depressed. Has he considered seeing a doctor about how he's feeling and what he's going through? It's clearly a very difficult situation for him, but asking you to simply step back isn't going to help him and is very hard on you. flowers

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:07:48

He is stubborn and won't admit to having depression. Won't see a doctor in case it affects his court case. Hes been physically ill too- coughing and headaches. All stress related. Won't go to counselling. Only interest is in his son at the moment. It is so hard on me but I honestly want the best for him and I know he does want me there deep down but can't deal with much right now. He said people are shouting at him at work and he just doesn't care. My heart breaks for him and for me and I don't know what else to do.

newname99 Mon 18-Jul-16 18:08:18

Yes sounds depressed.

How long is he separated from his ex? How old is his child?

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:12:32

His boy is 5 and he's been separated from ex for just over two years. Nearly divorced now, but obviously he met me quite quickly.

honeyroar Mon 18-Jul-16 18:12:43

He does sound depressed. It doesn't sound like a problem within the relationship, although it would be better if he didn't push you away. Could you keep things simple? Go round to his, have a take away, be there for him to lean on?

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:14:51

I think I will do that but I'm going to let him initiate contact for a bit as sometimes even talking is an effort for him. Our relationship is honestly very strong underneath all this but I've been arguing a bit with him when he pushes me away and I don't want to do that. I want to be his rock but God it's hard!

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:22:22

It really really hurt when he said he didn't know if he loved me because he doesn't feel anything. He doesn't know if he doesn't either. Even though I know it is depression it's very painful. He seems to think that his feelings are dependent on the outcome of the court case and doesn't realise that depression doesn't work like that.

rumred Mon 18-Jul-16 18:25:56

For your own sanity, stop seeing him. What about your needs? He needs to take responsibility and sort himself out. Not going to the doctors is his choice.
What do your friends think?

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:31:15

I've stopped for now. But if he wants to see me I'm here. I just can't cope with seeing him four days a week and he barely speaks or touches me. It has affected me. But our kids adore each other and my dc love him. We waited quite a while before introducing as it means a lot. I don't just want to give up on him.
I'm hoping that when he initiates contact that it might be when he's feeling a bit less stressed and I did stress that we should try to date again and do fun things. I initiated this as he was just letting things drift and it was awful.
My friends have said to give him the space and just say I'm there for him when he needs me.
He has been v good for me in the past - sorting stuff out in my house, letting me cry on him when I had anxiety, coming to A and E with me and sitting till 1 am when I had x rays. Now I guess it is my turn.

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:46:17

I don't know. Is it worth me hanging on in there?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 18-Jul-16 18:51:53

No, at this point you can't save him and he doesn't want to save himself, so you need to move on for your own good. It's quite possible that he'll get help and decide that he does love you, but it's equally possible that he won't. It happens, unfortunately. He may link this incident with you and not want to revisit it or he may just not feel anything anymore.

Move on and grieve the relationship that you've lost. He knows how to contact you if he needs too, but don't hold your breath. For the sake of you and your children you need to move on at this point.

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 18:54:06

He told me he does want to keep our relationship going though. He said he didn't want to break up and so we haven't. He will contact me -there's no way he'd just ghost me. He had the option of breaking up and said he didn't want to. I just said he could arrange the next date.

JennyHolzersGhost Mon 18-Jul-16 19:02:24

It sounds as though you are doing it the right way - going for the space thing is a gentle way of letting it subside without a dramatic 'this is the end' moment. I'd give him space for a few weeks and see how it goes - either he'll turn to you or it will fizzle out and then you'll be in a position to end it formally because effectively it will already be over. No drama.
You're doing the right thing :-)
Make sure you have plenty in your diary to keep you busy in the meantime.

Patheticfallacy Mon 18-Jul-16 19:08:54

I don't want to let it subside. That's the last thing I want. But I want him to come to me when he needs me.

Atenco Tue 19-Jul-16 02:19:27

You sound like a kind thoughtful person OP. I have no experience of this myself, and hopefully it will all work out ok, but meanwhile I second this suggestion: Make sure you have plenty in your diary to keep you busy in the meantime

LesisMiserable Tue 19-Jul-16 18:03:13

You love him so much and want to be there for him yet you tried to finish with him on Sunday. How is that supporting the man you love? Taking a quiet back seat as you have now, not pressuring him to have to consider your relationship as another thing that needs seeing too is the way to support the man you love. Hopefully, finisgjng with him then revoking it will not have damaged that too much. Emotional maturity and consistency is what he needs from you right now. A rock is immovable not wobbling at the first hurdle. Be his rock, he has enough on right now.

Isetan Tue 19-Jul-16 18:22:10

You can not help him if he doesn't want to help himself. I'm glad you've distanced yourself because your relationship was in grave danger of being a hiding place for his issues and you the fall guy.

You can not love someone better and there's a thin line between being someone's support and being their crutch.

Patheticfallacy Wed 20-Jul-16 19:17:24

He rang. We had a nice chat and he's over here tomorrow.

honeyroar Thu 21-Jul-16 10:24:53

That's good.

Patheticfallacy Thu 21-Jul-16 10:38:42

Hope so. He sounded a bit better on the phone. I'll just let him keep initiating contact.

sansXsouci Thu 21-Jul-16 12:19:00

I don't agree with those saying you can't help if he won't help himself, if someone you love is depressed - and he does sound depressed - you can be there for them, that's about all you can do, but it's pretty important. It hurts to have someone pushing you away, but it's not so much rejection as him closing off because of the pain. I think you should just let him come to you, which by the sounds of it he has now, also keep gently encouraging him to see the doctor. Obviously if it all gets too much and you are being dragged into depression you need to end it for self preservation reasons.

Patheticfallacy Thu 21-Jul-16 12:24:02

Thanks sans. That's what I think too. I think that him simply knowing I'm there is something and I've just taken the pressure off completely. I got the impression that some posters thought the space thing would make him disappear, but that isn't actually something he would do. It is not in his character to end a relationship by disappearing. He's actually still making contact now but with no pressure and I'm looking forward to seeing him tonight.

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