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Am I behaving like an abusive stalker?

(22 Posts)
Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 14:43:59

Hi I really need a kick to make me see sense and there's a part of me that's starting to become concerned I have obsessive tendencies.

My ex finished with me last year after a short relationship, I was upset and it took me a long time to move on. Then 10 months later he asked for another chance, promised all sorts, we met each others children said he loved me and then finished with me again, all in the space of 8 weeks.

I was determined not to let myself brood on it this time, but when I saw his new online profile in May I just saw red and sent him a vile email saying horrible things (tight, only knew one sex position and many other ridiculous things) and calling him out on persuading me to go back out with him, but unsure of his address I just thought he wouldn't receive it. Never heard anything back and felt very ashamed and relieved that he probably never got it.

Then on Wednesday I messaged him on match (I know how much does it take for me to get that its over) asking him how he was and if he would like to be friends. He replied that he was very surprised to hear from me again considering my last message he got from me!!! and that he didn't have any bad feelings towards me but wasn't sure about being friends given our past history.
I wanted to curl up and die I kept remembering all the things I had said all night and apologised saying I couldn't undo it and it was written in anger and that obviously friendship was out. He replied saying he hadn't meant to hurt me and wished me well, I said I wouldn't bother him again.

The shame of it, the question is do you think I have stalker abusive tendencies? I used to think I was a nice person until I did this. I truly didn't think he would get the email I was guessing at the address but that doesn't excuse it.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Mon 18-Jul-16 14:50:53

Oh no, don't beat yourself up about this. I think everyone has someone in their past who they can't 'let go' of.

Sending one angry ranting email doesn't make you an habitually abusive stalker, I promise not.

And from the sounds of things he's not holding any grudge at all so you haven't caused him a huge trauma.

All you can do is try and forgive yourself now!

ClassicMonkey Mon 18-Jul-16 14:53:33

OP just stop. Block him and stop looking for him online.
Although what he did was truly shitty, he deserves a life, as do you.
You need to block and avoid. Possibly seek councelling aswell.
I know what he did was hurtful but you'll never heal if you keep picking at this scab.

adora1 Mon 18-Jul-16 14:53:59

If you continue to contact him yes but it sounds like you've learnt your lesson, let it go, I bet he has, don't waste any more time beating yourself up, he let you down not just once but twice and introducing kids, he sounds a right knob, I bet what you said in the email was true!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 Mon 18-Jul-16 14:57:12

OP, block all contact & take a step back from it all

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 15:03:49

This short relationship obviously pushed your buttons!

I believe it can happen to any of us. Funnily enough, the relationship which really got under my skin, left me with lots of unfinished business, made me call him when I really shouldn't was the shortest-lived relationship I ever had. It was easier to put my first marriage behind me. Weird, huh?

It's probably best you do not be friends this man, even if he later contacts you about it, as he's obviously not healthy for you for some reason. Let well alone, is my advice.

You're not abusive. If you were, you wouldn't even have the self-awareness and remorse you are showing here. You just did a bit of a cringey thing which most of us have done to a greater or lesser extent.

It does sound like this man messed you around quite a bit, so understandably you're angry about that.

Plan something good for yourself. Fill your thoughts with good things and you won't have another second to waste on this man. You've wasted too much time and emotion on him already and he doesn't deserve it.

Just forgive yourself and move on!

princessmi12 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:04:26

to be fair he messed you around for a bit
Id be angry too if someone did this to me.Dont beat yourself up over that email.
His response to your angry email(lack of it) means just that-he's not emotionally invested but probably feels guilty.You have full right to be angry.
Move on he's not worth it.Dont waste your energy. Number one is ALWAYS you,so look after number 1

Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:12:47

Thank you everyone it's what I needed to hear. I am most relieved I am not a stalker.
I did block him on everything when we first split I changed my email, phone number everything I can't believe I got his email right to send that message.
I just can't seem to move on I only wanted to be friends to try and keep him in my life. I am thinking about counselling I know I shouldn't be still thinking about someone 6 months after it ended although I do feel better for knowing there's no chance of getting back together.

He was my first relationship in over 10 years I've been happy on my own bringing my girls up and I can't understand why I'm still so upset. I do want to move on though, I am still angry at times that he came back again when I was over him.

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 15:13:27

Think of what you've learned from this relationship. There must be something? That's what you can take away in return for the pain you've suffered. Maybe you've learned about red flags which you wouldn't fall for again - whatever it is.

Use the site below to spill your guts in the future - let all that pain out with no consequences!

One of the challenges that we face after we break up with someone, particularly when we’ve been dumped by them, is that we have all of these unresolved feelings that have nowhere to go. These thoughts can end up marinating in our minds, driving us crazy, for hours or days, weeks even months or longer….Wouldn’t it be great if you could just get it all out? Well you can, here, now

www.soyouvebeendumped.com/blog/have-something-to-say-to-your-ex-say-it-here-now/

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 15:16:24

He was my first relationship in over 10 years I've been happy on my own bringing my girls up and I can't understand why I'm still so upset

Maybe that's part of it. Because he's your first in such a long time, you've given him a far greater role than he deserves. Date different guys, make them earn your love and trust. Make good friends and a great social life so any guys are just icing on the cake, not the whole cake.

I know how much it hurts, but one day you'll look back on this as a tiny blip in your life and laugh.

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 15:20:24

Sorry to hog thread, but you should check out the link I posted.

I am reading it now. It's cathartic. You'll realise you aren't alone.

Responses range from the very long and winding to the short 'n' sweet like this one:-

Dear jerkoff
I hate what you are and what you have turned me into. U are a waste of space, go fuck yourself
Tea

Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:32:53

Thanks Toadgirl,
I will be checking that link out and making use of it !! It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this hopefully it will start to recede soon.

Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:36:22

I think what I've learned is people who jump in very fast to a relationship, it was him who wanted me to meet his son this time and wanted a ready made relationship instantly seem to jump out just as fast, I tried to slow it down a bit but if truth be told I was thrilled he had come back.
If I ever meet somebody else I will take it a lot slower, snails pace.

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 15:40:27

Yeah, Paddington - I hear you.

I've always been a live for the moment type of girl...... when I've met guys who want to rush into things, I've fallen hook/line/sinker. Apparently what they do is called "blowtorching". It can be a deliberate move on their part to rush the relationship into the next stages and then they turn tail and run, leaving you hurt, with unfinished business and a bruised heart.

As you rightly say, the secret to becoming immune to these types is pacing....snail-pacing. If a guy is too pushy, tries to steamroller over your boundaries and gets angry with this pacing, that's a red flag.

Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 15:56:46

it is the unfinished business that devastated me the first time he said he would call me and I waited like a twat for a call that never came. Well it arrived in an email 10 months later.
At least I knew this time around there would be no contact at all from him. I'm amazed he even replied back to me. You are all going to think this is even nuttier but a few weeks ago a girl I work with said look at what one of the patients gave me (just because once she said she liked rugbyf, she had no idea of any of my past dalliances) and it was a brochure of rugby for old codgers and yes on the front page was my ex (he plays and coaches rugby). I am sorry to report I thought it was a sign from up above that we were destined to get back together again. I am aware of how idiotic that sounds as I type it - bloody hell. Obviously I know now it meant nothing of the sort.

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 16:02:19

Aw, Paddington - I don't think that's silly at all. I have thoughts like that from time to time. I've had a few weird things that have happened - gut feelings - so sometimes I read into things like that as signs. Nothing wrong with it really, but you need to learn to protect yourself. There are so many assholes out there.

You need "closure" as they say, but if your ex can't/won't give it to you, you need to give it to yourself.

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 16:03:57

The following text is from this link:-

www.more.com/love-sex/finding-closure-when-relationship-suddenly-ends

Charles left Miranda one day after a six-month love affair, with no satisfactory explanation. He just announced, during a good solid start at long-term love, “Sorry, Miranda, I guess this isn’t working”—said it not even kindly, at that. He wasn’t interested in hearing why Miranda thought that in fact it was working, quite wonderfully actually; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a little working out now and again. No, he didn’t want to hear it. For him, it was over. So was all discussion on the topic.

It always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover leaves abruptly; runs you over like a train, as if you were just something to be left on the side of the curb like road kill. How do you ever find closure with a guy who heads for the hills and never tells you why? It’s gut-wrenchingly hard, but you have to find closure within yourself. Here’s how.

Cut your losses You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You don’t decide that because he didn’t tell you anything, the cause of his departure are your thighs, or a fight you had, or your bad mood last month. A man who is too withholding and cowardly to explain himself has to be excised as brutally as he excised you. You tell yourself, “I don’t want to spend my precious time with someone who doesn’t want to spend it with me.” When all is said and done, isn’t that the truth?

Do not call him He doesn’t want to talk? Then believe him. No quick texts; no trying to locate him; no flaming e-mails; no late-night calls begging for a reason why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (Do you really want to hear, “Oh, it’s you. Um, yeah, right, hi.”) You remind yourself—a thousand times, if you have to—that while you still want him, you do not NEED him. You have a roof over your head. (I remember, eons ago, when women literally needed men to have a life!) All that you need is good food, rest, exercise—and some calm downtime to get yourself up and ready to meet someone who wants you.

Do not idealize him now that he’s gone We all tend to turn people into saints once they’re gone, but this person didn’t die; he bolted. Resist the urge to make him more desirable simply because he’s unavailable. And resist the corresponding urge toward self-blame. (The thigh thing again.)

Take your power back Remember what it felt like—really felt like—to be with him. I don’t mean how you thought it could be if he loved you more; I mean most of the time. Were you exhausted? Walking on eggshells? Pushing to get closer? If so, you were at your worst and will never be at your worst again. If it was truly wonderful ... then the man isn’t just cowardly, he’s psychotic.

Don’t think, “I should have known better.” You couldn’t have known. You can’t spot one of these guys; he doesn’t wear a sign saying, “I’m a disaster.” The only way to avoid a man who can’t love you is to remember what it felt like in the past. When you’re with someone the next time, you’ll have a sense memory: a feeling of being exhausted, off-balance, nervous ... and you’ll run.

Meanwhile, lay low Nurse your wounds—the way a hurt animal would. Don’t date; you’re not ready. But one day, you’ll meet an earth guy who loves being intimate, who wants to please you, who gets you, who makes you feel comfortable in your own skin … a man who can express his feelings. And that man won’t sap your energy—he’ll make you feel alive again.

HuskyLover1 Mon 18-Jul-16 17:02:59

He messed you about awfully. You just told him what a twat he'd been. You may now regret that, but he deserved it. The older I get, the less I care about people thinking I'm "not cool" and I definitely call people out on bad behaviour. And that's all you did. Stop beating yourself up. He absolutely dicked you about, and you had every right to be angry. No point in trying to be friends. Head up, onwards and upwards, time to find someone so much nicer than that twat.

Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 20:20:18

Thank for all your wise words fellow mumsnetters it has helped so much and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I am not sure why I wanted him back really when he's already ditched me twice, I suppose it's hard to realise that when he said he loved me it actually meant nothing to him it was just a means to an end.
Still cringing inwardly about the fact he read the email and I tried to get him back but as a couple of posters have said I only told him the harsh truth and I think he knows he behaved badly really.
Anyway no more spying on him on the internet I am going to use my time to far better use.

toadgirl Mon 18-Jul-16 20:26:09

Great news, OP!

So glad you are feeling better now smile

You're not alone. A lot of women have been there. You've learned something very important from this. Who cares what that loser thinks now, anyway? It's not like you'll ever be speaking to HIM again, now is it? grin

Paddington72 Mon 18-Jul-16 21:56:22

Toadgirl thank you for your kind words and links I have been reading them and will return to them again if I have a bad day.
No I will never have to speak to him again thank goodness there is no way our paths would normally cross.

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