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How did you eventually leave an EA relationship?

(11 Posts)
whattodoandwhentodoit1 Mon 18-Jul-16 11:37:02

I've decided that I am going to leave. I have to for the sake of the DC, everyday I feel such guilt about what affect this is having on them, and how I need to put them above everything else. I feel pathetic for not being able to do so. I can picture a better life for us, but I just don't know how to get to it iykwim.

I have mentioned separation, but he won't have any of it. I am not strong enough to brazen it out and stay in the house while a divorce goes through, and he makes life unbearable for us all in the meantime. I think I am just going to have to leave one day when he is at work.

Family are over 300 miles away and I have no friends. If you have been in my situation can you please just tell me how you actually left?

whattodoandwhentodoit1 Mon 18-Jul-16 12:17:27

Looks like I've killed my own thread in the opening post sad

I think that I need to get out and go to someone. Maybe my family? I can't guarantee that they will help me though, but I feel that if I can tell someone in RL, then there will be no going back. Which is what I want. It just seems so cruel to do it like that, but if he won't take me seriously face to face I will have to.

I called Womens Aid a few weeks ago and I felt so relieved having spoken to someone, but I have just felt rubbish since then.

bluemaid Mon 18-Jul-16 12:55:04

I would like to know too! Sorry I have no idea.

DoubleNegativePanda Mon 18-Jul-16 13:08:42

I'll be honest, it took me three tries to leave and make it stick.

In the end, I spent about a month pretending everything was fine while sorting out my escape. I knew where I was going, although my initial destination was to a friend's spare room for a couple of weeks while I waited for more permanent accommodations to be made ready.

I sent dd on a mini break with a friend and planned the move for that weekend so that I could focus. While he was at work, I packed all our most precious and important things I couldn't do without and our clothes and took it to friend's house. I didn't honestly take much; I just wanted out and had the attitude that I wanted to start over and not live surrounded by things I considered tied to him. Then I went back and waited for him to come home. Told him I was leaving; he first didn't believe me but then threw a tantrum and started throwing things. I walked out, got in the car and left. I went back in that house one time to retrieve a few things I had forgotten in my haste. I did it while he was gone but still took my sister with me.

It's hard but it can be done. I've never regretted it for a moment. I laugh in his face when he tries his gas lighting bullshit on me now.

DoubleNegativePanda Mon 18-Jul-16 13:09:55

I did sort of cut and run. I left him a huge mess to clean up, both literally and figuratively. I didn't care then and I don't now.

Sqooobado453 Mon 18-Jul-16 13:14:06

Well done on making the decision to go. Keep calling womens aid. Are there any family members you trust?

Mine left, but the feeling of peace after years of suffering is indescribable. That was 2 years ago and never ever have I remotely regretted leaving him.

bluecashmere Mon 18-Jul-16 13:14:09

Don't wait for his permission to leave. He is never going to give it and you will be making your own situation worse. You need to make a plan.

Look into finances and what you are entitled to in terms of benefits if you leave. Have a free session with a solicitor to see where you stand legally.

It's not that easy to give more advice without knowing your situation. Do you own your house? Do you have an income? Has there ever been physical abuse? Have the police ever been involved?

Speak to Women's Aid again for further advice and support.

If you have DC of school age obviously you need to think about where they are going to go to school and if you aren't confident going to stay with family, work out if it's possible to stay in the local area. Your H will have a right to some kind of contact with dc so moving a long way away could cause its own issues.

The more planning you can do in advance of leaving, the better equipped you will be to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible.

But don't put it off any longer. However scary it might seem it will not be worse than what you're going through and you can get your life back.

whattodoandwhentodoit1 Mon 18-Jul-16 13:38:19

Thanks everyone.

My situation is sadly very common if the threads on here are anything to go by. Jealously is a major issue. To be honest he has got so much better over the last few years (since the DC), but I have realised that I shouldn't be with someone who can treat me that way in the first place. 10-15 years ago it was really bad, and looking back now I have no idea how I managed.

If I went anywhere I was questioned about where I was and who I was with. He hated my work colleagues and believed I was having numerous affairs.

These days it happens very rarely, but I can't help thinking that the reason is because I have changed my behaviour so much to suit him. Strangely on the occasions he does get abusive, it takes so much longer to recover. I also spend a lot of time worrying about what mood he is going to be in when he comes home. It just isn't right!!!

He is not financially abusive. I work pt but don't earn a fortune. We live in a really expensive area, but I can probably just about afford to rent a flat until the house could be sold. At which point I would still have to rent, but at least I would be free.

There has been physical abuse; pushing, a slap and one on occasion he grabbed me by the throat. I can probably count on one hand these instances though and we have been together 20 years. Not that it makes it right of course. There is also occasional threats of violence and smashing of things.

whattodoandwhentodoit1 Mon 18-Jul-16 13:44:34

I know that I can't take the DC away from where we are now, and that I would have to come back. I just want to get away and make the break before I start trying to rebuild. I want to do it in the school holidays, because I can't take them out of school to get to my family - it's too far away.

I don't have any objection to them having contact. I think it would actually improve their relationship with him.

I want to show them that it is not right to be treated this way. DC1 is very much like me and I hate to think of her being in this situation. That is what is driving me on. I'm too scared though, which in turn makes me a dreadful mother who can't protect her DC.

bluecashmere Mon 18-Jul-16 14:18:27

Well, as others will say and WA will tell you, the most dangerous time is when you have just left so if he's been violent in the past make sure measures are in place to protect you and the children. Think about what you are going to tell the children too as you don't want them to be confused about what's going on.

The holidays sound like a good time to go away for a bit if you can plan for them to be back and settled by September.

Maybe start making contact with estate agents or check property websites now so you have a good idea of what's available and you can potentially have somewhere to go when you get back.

Good luck.

DoubleNegativePanda Mon 18-Jul-16 15:34:44

No, it does not make you a dreadful mother who cannot protect your daughter. It's a terribly difficult cycle to break. But it does not make you a terrible mother.

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