How to cope with being lied to

[nowaybaby]

I found out 2 weeks ago there is a strong chance my DP has been having an EA at best, a physical affair at worst. He has denied it and tried to convince me nothing has happened. I could list all the things that don't add up but suffice to say I don't believe him.

I should add here I want to believe him. I love him and thought our relationship was solid. I would never have thought he would do this, not in a hundred years.
However I've read too much on MN to believe everything he has told me.

We are on a break just now, as I am on holiday with my D.C. When we get back I have to make a decision. This is my problem...if he absolutely refuses to tell me everything how can we move forward? We can't, can we? By not telling me the truth he is taking away any chance of recovering from this.

If I end things as they are will I be plagued by doubts that I was wrong? That he is telling the truth. My gut says I am right, but 2 weeks ago my gut would have sworn he would never have done this.

Thoughts appreciated. I am in turmoil.

[ApocalypseSlough]

Are you away without him? Whether he's cheated or not how he's behaving now speaks volumes. Is he walking over hot coals to try and convince you? Checking you're having a lovely time and saying he's missing you? Saying he's looking forward to seeing you and offering to collect you? Or giving you space stonewalling you?

[nowaybaby]

Away without him. No contact for a week. Last time I saw him it was awful; he was wound up, defensive, angry. I saw it as guilt that he can't handle.

[ApocalypseSlough]

Wow.
So he's denying that anything happened angrily and not trying to persuade you.
I suppose a completely innocent man might act like that but it doesn't really ring true.
Work out what you want. An apology, a divorce, trial separation with separate counselling? You mentioned evidence- is it date clashes etc? Write it down now. Can you talk to anyone in real life?!

[SandyY2K]

How strong is your evidence?

Would a rational independent person believe nothing happened with the info you know?

If the OW has a partner, would he believe nothing was going on with what you know?

Would your DP believe there was nothing going on, if he had the same info and it was you?

He seems to be gaslighting you right now and that's typical of cheaters.

Cheaters pretty much always deny unless you have hard evidence and confronting without evidence results in anger, defensiveness and denials.

He won't tell you the truth unless he thinks he really has something to loose by not doing so. He's weighing it up and if he can get away with a lie, then he will.

I don't know if you live together or the length of the relationship or if you have DCs together. Those may be factors in your decision and in his reasons for his lying.

It's hard to give more definitive views without knowing what you know, but regardless, don't let him convince you it's nothing.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it is a duck

[nowaybaby]

I have talked to 2 friends and they both agree with me that things don't add up. I have written things down, I read them at times to keep my head straight, because I would love to be wrong, but don't think I am.

I could understand his anger if he was fed up of weeks or months of trying to convince but for reasons that are too complicated to go into this was only the 2nd time since I discovered what kicked this off that we were discussing this.

[SandyY2K]

Going back to your thread title. One way of coping is to end the relationship. When things don't add up, it's usually not some great mystery. It's exactly what you think and know it is.

I get quite angry when I hear OWs saying my MM nearly got caught, but denied it and she believes - so we're going low contact until the dust settles and she gets off his back.

[smilingeyes11]

if he refuses to admit what has gone on and give you full disclosure then there really is no way forward from this. Unless you bury it under the carpet and wait for him to do it again.

Cheaters always minimise btw.

[nowaybaby]

His defensive is weak and implausible. The OW is married with a husband who works away for long periods. I think that says a lot in itself. He claims they are friends (never heard of her til now) but then he would say that. He has deleted all their messages.

We don't have D.C., don't live together and have been together for several years. We were happy but it seems he wanted something more. Struggling to get my head round it. If he would tell me the truth we could work from there. But I think he has so deliberately deceived me that he can't bring himself to own up to what he has done. I'm looking for magic words that will make him tell me everything. I feel stuck.

[nowaybaby]

I have to go out for a while. Thanks to all who have posted.

[adora1]

Tell him you don't want to discuss anything at all until he is fully honest about what happened; you are right, you can't go anywhere at the moment, it's all down to him I'm afraid.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

So you found messages between him and another woman? Or you think he's been texting her but all messages are deleted? It's hard without knowing what you know.

Sounds like trust is hugely damaged already and it does sound like he is feeling guilty, otherwise why the defensive..

[Woodman2007]

I'm in a very similar position as OP but just a bit further along. Me and husband had a few issues then 2 weeks later says he doesn't love me anymore, may have feelings for someone else. Wants to end it etc. Then changes his mind. Says he's committed to saving our marriage. Start counselling. I then discover by going into his FB that he has been sending sexual messages to woman he works with. Says nothing physical has happened. Fast forward a few weeks he is know separating from me because he needs space and time to think things through. I know he is still texting OW since I have caught him doing so. Don't know what's in messages. Says it's all to do with work but is deleting messages so he can't prove it. We have 2 DC together. Everything is such a mess. So in answer to your question. Don't know how to cope. So so difficult.

[ApocalypseSlough]

As an example and apologies if it's not helpful. If my DH had suspicions but I was innocent I'd be devastated and be bending over backwards to prove him wrong.

[ravenmum]

Have a search for "the script" or lists of signs that your partner is cheating. They are sadly accurate. Don't prove anything, obviously, but might help you make your mind up.

[SandyY2K]

It's hard without knowing what you know.

Totally agree ^^

We're kind of giving advice blind here.

You seem quite sure he's lying. So for me, no kids and no home together = game over and I'd be done.

You could investigate further, but why bother. You know what you know

[nowaybaby]

Wood man, I'm sorry you are going through this too.

I guess my need for the truth is redundant if I believe that I do know what I know. It just seems so desperately sad that everything I had for the last few years has been a lie. I would tell anyone who asked how great he was. I feel so duped.

[nowaybaby]

Bumping. I'm feeling so alone. And scared. I feel like I am standing on shifting sand. I wish I could wind the clock back and not see what I saw. But that makes me a fool.

[ApocalypseSlough]

You can't unknow what you know.
No relationship is worthless, however it ends.

[nowaybaby]

Thank you Apocalypse. I am trying to be more than his deceit, more than whatever he was up to. I am more than that.

[Doinmummy]

I feel so sorry for you Op. The constant weighing everything up in your head is exhausting .

I was cheated on and it's devastating . I have also been accused of cheating - I absolutely wasn't and ended up getting angry at the constant accusations. OH begged me to tell him the truth but I WAS telling the truth - I had not cheated.

[nowaybaby]

Doinmummy, that is part of my problem. I feel programmed to see the best in people and minimise the worst. And there is that voice in my head saying ' What if he is telling the truth?' Although he admits to a text relationship at the very least. Sorry you have been through this too.

[Woodman2007]

ApocalypseSlough is right I feel if they are truly innocent they should be doing everything they can to prove it and reassure you. At the end of the day I think you have to go with your gut feeling. I went with mine and unfortunately it turned out to be right. I found the not knowing worse than the truth. You feel like you are going mad and overthinking if you are just being paranoid. Guess you have to give him a chance to try and prove if he is lying or not but if he is not willing to then it makes it difficult. Think some men can be so bloody minded too, thinking they shouldn't have to prove themselves though.

[ApocalypseSlough]

Try and have a good day today. Are you somewhere sunny? One step at a time...

[nowaybaby]

Sun is out today. Not knowing feels like torture. Knowing has to be better than my imagination. My mind keeps jumping around and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on reading anything apart from MN and Chump lady.

[Doinmummy]

I completely understand where you are at Op. It's that horrible place where you know what you know but there's a small percentage of doubt to make you keep questioning everything .

Could you do a bit of snooping ?

However, If he has admitted to a text relationship then you can bet your bottom dollar there's more to it , but I understand your doubts .