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Am I in danger?(19 Posts)
Hi everyone, I've posted before about a difficult relationship with my now ex (thanks to wonderful posters on here giving me the strength to leave him)
I am worried though for my safety. He has moved to the top of my road, so can see when i go out and things. It's been nearly 2 months since the split now but he says he cannot get over me and has used the word obsessed a number of times. I know it's wrong but occasionally we've gone on days out with the kids together, as friends, for practical reasons and to both enjoy a big day out with the kids.
Anyhow, I thought things were going ok, we had a good weekend spending time together and alone with the kids. Then last night he went for a drink with a girl. He knows that I am on a third date with someone later which he's very pissed off about. He wanted to come over which i replied i was going to bed, but then he told me he was outside my door and wanted to talk for 5 minutes so i let him in.
This turned out to be a big mistake as he'd had a drink and ended up being very threatening. I can only describe it as the strongest verbal assault you could give someone if you want them to do something. He repeatedly told him we can fix things, he won't be with anyone else and i need to "fuck off" this other guy. When i told him it won't work he told me i had destroyed his life, ripped his heart out. He said i just want to fuck other guys and said he better not see this guy, he would get injunctions put in and he will never see the children. This went on for a while, and i was feeling very scared as i was trapped.
He has never been violent to a woman and says he never would be but he has been violent to men including my dad. I'm scared that I may be in danger if he loses his temper, he said in a text after that he's sick of crying and "wanting to do things" but he didn't specify what whether harm to himself or to others. It took me about ten minutes to be able to move last night after he stormed out though because i had froze.
Do you think the situation will be ok if i just limit contact to what is necessary with the children and then he'll come to terms with things? I really think he just needs to find someone new and he'll be fine and forget about me. I feel sick about my date tonight now though, which is maybe what he wants.
I'm hoping someone has been in a similar situation and can advise.
I think you should talk to the police, specifically their domestic abuse team.
You're giving him mixed messages by going out with him and spending time with him. And inviting him in last night. You should definitely limit contact to what's necessary with the children, and don't get drawn into his drama.
Never been in such a situation but will give you my honest opinion.
First of all, you are separated for just two months and both of you are going out with other people? I don't think it's wrong, but why would you tell him you are seeing other guys when he is clearly not fine? I think exposing this kind of information to reach other so early is nothing but wrong.
Also, I think his reaction is common and well known. Drink, get upset, go and explode. I don't think you are in danger, but if course keep an eye on him.
I feel sorry for him, no matter how bad the relationship was, it is hard enough to go through divorce if you want it, terrible if you don't want it and regret what you did, and desperately want to fix it and go back in time. Horrible horrible feeling. Try to understand and support him now.
And try to keep your private life secret for a while.
Hope things go better for both of you soon.
exposing this kind of information to each other
I'm trying to keep it secret but he can see every time i go out. He sees that my car is not there and then interrogates me about it. We were meant to be trying to stay friends for the kid's sake but i guess that never works.
Last night he revealed that somehow he has found out this guy's personal information, he told me he knows more than i can imagine, so i don't know if he's read messages or what.
And i have supported him best i can but now it is reaching the point where he's dependant on me and it's not healthy. He's built me up as this perfect person which i'm obviously not, but he won't even consider seeing other people. So i don't think i can support him anymore.
You need to take this very seriously OP. This situation could be dangerous for you. As someone has said above, please please contact the police DV team today and talk to them, get this onto their radar.
Also please move house if you can and find a way of splitting the childcare that doesn't involve him knowing where you are living.
If you are seeing someone then you need to warn them that your ex has their details and is unpredictable, threatening and potentially dangerous. You need to tell the police about his threats to this guy too.
Please take this seriously.
You need to stop engaging with him and get some support. I would talk to the dv section of the police. He sounds potentially dangerous and he is stalking and behaving threateningly. I would actually think about moving myself tbh.
Huge mistake doing things with the children together, this needs to come a lot further down the line, when he has accepted the relationship is over and there is a state of calm between you both. Unfortunately, he has interpreted this as a signal that you should both be together.In my eyes, this is where the danger lies, he is violitile and even though he's run to another woman it's not what he wants, so he will do everything in his power to bring you round to his way of thinking.When this involves violence or threatening behaviour, you need to get some support, as previous posters have advised.
If it were me I'd forget dating for a while, I don't think it's fair to involve somebody else in this mess and their safety could be threatened.Id wait until the dust had settled before I even contemplated starting a new relationship.But, it's your decision.
I've only seen this guy twice, we havn't even kissed. I just wanted to spend time with someone where i could speak to another adult and get a break from the kids. It also reminds me that there are kind men out there and my ex is not the only option. I don't think that's wrong
It's not wrong, but it might be wise to be single for a while and get adult support from friends instead. Obviously don't know the whole story but it's clearly very early days and almost always best to take your time and find your feet, so you know you're okay on your own and are ready to have a new relationship without it being about getting over your ex or needing options. That aside, definitely limit contact and talk to the police in case you need intervention. This is very like my friend's situation and he lost it one night and beat her up so now everything has to happen under supervision. It's incredibly messy, so best to keep things as clean and careful as you can. Take care, and well done for getting away from him in the first place.
(In that example my friend is the woman btw, I am obviously not friends with the ex who beat her up, but can't say I didn't see it coming - and tried to warn her, but I understand it's very difficult when you're caught up in it all)
This is a horrible situation and you had a horrible time last night but break ups are horrible. No one can be sure whether or not you're in danger but rather than trying to access agencies (this is really not as easy as MN suggests and if you go to the police and describe what you have here- a difficult and intimidating argument- they're not going to be pulling out the domestic violence stops.
However I agree you can help yourself by cutting contact and not telling him anything. It's horrible that he can see your house but he doesn't need to know where you're going all the time. I would be doing this before anything else.
Stop trying to be friends with him
Stop spending time with the kids with him
If the kids are his, communicate only be email and about his arrangements to see them away from you
Get someone else to do handovers
Don't respond to calls, texts, attempts to engage you in conversation. Keep copies of any written abuse.
If he turns up at your door again, call the police.
Stop feeding the fire. You have made the situation worse. Now you have to take back the control.
ok thank you i will take on board the advice.
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