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broken marriage 29yrs

(11 Posts)
danablue Mon 18-Jul-16 09:08:17

how do you move on after 29 yrs?

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 18-Jul-16 09:14:28

One small step at a time. flowers for you.

I would try not to get stuck in a mindset of 'failed' or 'broken' if at all possible - and this is probably not something you can do just yet. But you've had a long and presumably most happy marriage (until recently) so it hasn't failed, it has come to an end.

In a while, you will begin to see the opportunities available to you and to welcome the freedom to choose. It's time to focus on you and what you want.

ravenmum Mon 18-Jul-16 09:21:23

In my case (only 23y) counselling, medication, reading up on the subject, imaginary conversations with ex, new clothes, shoes, haircut, long walks with dog, sticking his hoarded stuff in the back of the garage, improving my diet, avoiding contact with him as much as possible, going out on my own more, looking for new hobbies and meeting new people, dating, going places with the kids, fervidly searching for nice flats online that I could move into now if I wanted, taking up the neighbours' invitations for dinner and wine. Haven't "got over it" as such, but have definitely moved on and am quite happy to have these new opportunities.

danablue Mon 18-Jul-16 09:42:55

can't help thinking i would feel so much more ok if it was just me but i feel devasted for my not so young children, it will inevitably hurt them no end. they are my world and i never wanted this for them. DH and I argue all the time, with him becoming angry and swearing as he disagrees with me. He is always sarcastic. Now he is not talking to me (very childish) and said he would not live me anymore. Feel numb and said and I know its pointless to try and talk to him as he will blame me for everything even though nothing has actually happened.

ravenmum Mon 18-Jul-16 10:04:35

Now you're apart, the children won't have the awful atmosphere to deal with (which they do notice however you try to keep them out of it). They can meet up with you and with their father as much as they want without having to see you both. It's a much more pleasant situation. It's the arguing and hatefulness that hurts them. They won't be happy to see you down, but this will put an end to the arguing and hatefulness.

danablue Mon 18-Jul-16 10:15:51

haven't split yet ravenmum but its seriously on the cards. Can't go on like this not being to have any sort of exchange of words before he becomes so agitated and sarcastic. Impossible to talk to, with him usually telling me 'I have problems or issues', charming.. Kids not generally around but still.

ravenmum Mon 18-Jul-16 10:37:03

While it's devastating, it can still be a huge relief. I got the nasty treatment at the end too (turned out to be deflection/fallout from an affair). Didn't want to break up, but have never felt sorry not to have him around any more.

danablue Mon 18-Jul-16 10:45:31

i keep reminding myself of all the shitty comments he has made to me along the way and the fact he took off his wedding ring a couple of years ago. He said it was cutting into finger with weight he had put on. When i said it upset me he didn't wear it he told me it was a bit of tin and didn't mean anything. No sex or affection for well over two years now. I keep reminding myself of all of this but at the same time can't leg go of the fact he has so many qualities too. It just doesn't make sense to me.

MatildaTheCat Mon 18-Jul-16 11:33:44

I have been married a similar length of time and seriously, in your position I wouldn't be waiting for him to decide anything. He's behaving like a total twat and you've had no affection for 2 years? Please take control and improve your life.

If you divorce you can chose where and how you want to live. No sulky silence and terrible atmosphere. You DC will be aware of the tension and won't be shocked and even if they are, they are busy living their own lives.

The world will keep turning and the main difference will be that in the end you will be happy and free to live your life well.

Can you start to plan and file documents and see a solicitor? Say nothing until you are ready.

Please, take control.

ravenmum Mon 18-Jul-16 13:59:30

When people start to acquire bad qualities that doesn't mean all the good ones go away. And he doesn't have to be all bad for you to leave. You've given him time, but you don't have to give him the rest of your life.

smilingeyes11 Mon 18-Jul-16 14:23:52

If he took his wedding ring off and has been nasty since then then I am afraid I would definitely call affair. I would also say if someone does speak to you in such an awful manner then your life will be much happier without him in it.

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