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I feel so let down by OH and don't know if I can take any more

(140 Posts)
DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 22:48:39

I've name changed for this thread. Looking for constructive input and advice please!

I love my OH dearly. Together 9 years, have a 1 yo DC and DC2 on the way soon. OH was in a well paid role in the military when we left, but took redundancy 5 years ago and got a £80k settlement and retraining. Retrained as an electrician, we both agreed we were happy to have reduced salary as we don't live a flashy lifestyle.

Then OH fell in love with a very dilapidated house. Completely uninhabitable. I was nervous from the start, and got more nervous as things progressed. Begged him not to buy it (it is only in his name, I don't own property) but he promised it would be ok; he would make it all ok and treat it as a full time job, using redundancy money to make it amazing. Bought the house almost 5 yrs ago. I say we should focus on the main house; fix the roof, windows, get heating installed, etc. He says lets focus on converting the small barn it came with, I say this is a red herring, but he goes ahead and starts on the barn anyway.

Fast forward 5 yrs and here we are with 1 yo DC & baby bump, house still almost as bad as when we got it (seriously bad!), barn is not converted, redundancy money all long gone. Before I got pregnant he promised the house would be much improved by time baby arrived....it wasn't. He has promised again that house will be much better in time for DC2, now due in 3 months, and it is still no further forward. The redundancy money is all long gone and he couldn't tell me where half of it has gone. He promised he would really focus on his business as a self-employed electrician so that I could be a SAHM, but I have discovered this evening in the course if making a tax credits application that his business admin & finances are a complete fucking mess. He's no idea how much he has even earned. We have seperate finances and I've asked him hundreds of times over the course of years what the financial situation is. I've told him that I can help with business admin & book keeping if he shows me what I need to get started, but he avoids it. With the renivation I asked him again and again to showme a plan, a schedule, a budget...anything! And it never materialised because he never did it.

I was working full time until a yr ago, earning a fair salary; not enough that he doesn't need to work, but I kept the wolf from the door for 4 yrs whilst he was pissing about, not renivating the barn, not renovating the house, not properly running a business. I feel like a fucking mug, and so stupid for giving up my job when it was the last bit if security we had left. I've tried being understanding, sensitive and helpful, thinking that he's just been lost since he left the military. And I've trued being tough, telling him he needs to get hus act tigether and orovide for his family. I've even told him I've been close to leaving because I can't live like this. Nothing seems to make any difference! So what the hell do I do? I feel so let down by him. And now I don't trust anything he says because he hasn't come good on a single promise in 5 years.

Sorry for the stupidly long OP.

DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 22:54:18

Oh god, the typos! Sorry, I'm feeling emotional and was typing faster and faster.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 17-Jul-16 22:57:01

You can't rely on him, as he has demonstrated. Now, you need to rely on yourself.

PurpleWithRed Sun 17-Jul-16 23:00:06

Are you married?

HandyWoman Sun 17-Jul-16 23:03:07

Oh, OP, it does sound like he has let you down terribly. I think he needs to see that this can't go on any more. You're really vulnerable right now and he simply isn't to the job of supporting you.

Something has to give.

Can you go and stay at your parents or family member or good friend while you figure out a way forward? This can't go on. You'll end up financially ruined.

DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 23:04:10

We aren't married, which is something I'm increasingly anxious about. We've been engaged for 6 years or so, and actually had to cancel our wedding a few years ago because if all the horrors we were uncovering in the house.

DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 23:06:23

I am actually more afraid that I'll end up an bitter, awful person mire than the financial ruin. I feel myself being angry all the time. I hate this person I am becoming! I used to laugh and have fun. Now I just worry, and nag, and cry quite a lot. Neither if us us happy, but we do genuinely love one another.

HandyWoman Sun 17-Jul-16 23:11:41

If you love each other then maybe he can turn this around...?

But he needs to grow up. Actually grow up. Perhaps the army sheltered him and he just doesn't have any life skills? Which is one thing but burying his head in the sand is awful and such a let down.

Surely if he sees what he stands to lose he will sort himself out? I think you need to draw a line under this - both of you think about what's required for this soon-to-be family of four.

Not being married means you are powerless in terms of forcing a sale. So you both need to find a solution.

DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 23:18:09

We probably couldn't sell the house as it is anyway. There surely can't be anybody as stupid as us to buy it! I doubt most mortgage companies would consider it habitable; OHs almost wouldn't.

The military definitely sheltered him. He went straight from him, to uni, to the military and because he was an officer everything was done for him. I think his life skills are awful, though that only became apparent to me far too late. I've been so stupid.

I know I have to let go of what's happened in the past and move forward, but I am finding it so difficult. I feel very angry and bitter. I feel like I must go back to work, but I'm 6 months pregnant and I won't find work that pays enough to keep 2 DCs in childcare. Our nearest family (my parents) are 3 hrs away.

MrsBertBibby Sun 17-Jul-16 23:19:40

OP, you are horribly financially vulnerable, not being married to him. Does he know that?

I think if you are going to sort things, he needs to demonstrate his good faith by tying the knot.

If he can't do that, you're wasting your energy, because he doesn't want to be sorted.

DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 23:26:46

I have pointed that out to him a number of times very recently, MrsBert. I think he honestly believes that nothing could possibly go too badly wrong in our relationship, so I shouldn't really worry. I feel quite split about it; I live him very much, though I'm not exactly 'in the mood' to get married right now with things being so hard and so incredibly stressful. Plus we couldn't afford it; I have a fair sized family and he has a huge one, and if we tried to keep it small and cheap there would be WW3 from his side.

HandyWoman Sun 17-Jul-16 23:30:46

He 'honestly believes that nothing could go too badly wrong in our relationship'

Well you could disabuse him of that notion and move back with your parents until the baby is born. To get some actual support from people you can rely on.

He sounds like a total dreamer, OP.

Lorelei76 Sun 17-Jul-16 23:36:44

Actually isn't marriage a bad idea? Hang on to your own money.
Speaking of which, is there any chance of flogging the property to a developer? And maybe moving near your folks so you have support?

I would have no respect for someone who has behaved the way he has, unless he manages to sort his mess out. As a trained electrician he should be doing all right.

DontForgetTheNameChange Sun 17-Jul-16 23:43:34

I am tempted to move in with my parents. But I feel so guilty for leaving him with even more shit to deal with.

I don't have any money to hold on to Lorelei. Literally not a penny. All our household bills are in my name, and he has to transfer money to my account to cover them now that I am a SAHM and maternity pay ended a few months ago. I gave up my job, stupid I know!

MunchCrunch01 Sun 17-Jul-16 23:46:11

I'd move back to your p, are you entitled to smp or ml? You could try and save that if you live with your p for a deposit. I'm sorry op, if it were me I'd be moving out and telling him you'll give it another go when he's sorted his life out so the house is suitable for the dc and he can make good on his other promises re marriage and earning money. I fear you're going to have go get a career going when dc2 is a year old, if your p can help you'll be in a better position than now surely? I don't think he's going to change based on this evidence and you need to move out and move on.

annandale Sun 17-Jul-16 23:52:42

What a nightmare.

I am sure you could sell the house; just not for much money. How would you get on selling it and renting near your family? You would likely still have debt - how much?

Some people are not suited to self-employment - I'm one- he sounds like another. Men seem a bit more susceptible to the self employment dream, I've had a dad and two husbands do it, one was a total failure, one was ok for a bit, one just about survived. It is hard.

Imo you need to make a hardheaded plan based on truth and reality, preferably jointly. Sell, move to support, he gets a job, you get a job after 3 months; possible alternative would be to see if your old employer will have you back.

MunchCrunch01 Sun 17-Jul-16 23:54:38

I don't understand why you feel guilty, he's not married you, squandered redundancy money (on what?), mucked up creating an electrical business and let you give up your job under false pretences of being supported - that's 4 major lies as far as I can see, I don't see how you can go on living like that.

DontForgetTheNameChange Mon 18-Jul-16 00:10:03

My parents would have us all in a heartbeat. They have a big home, and are fairly comfortable, not wealthy. They help us a lot already. They don't say it, but I suspect they think my OH is pretty useless and has let us down terribly, though they love him too.

I don't qualify for SMP but I should qualify for maternity allowance. I can't apply for another couple of weeks, but fingers crossed. And we will qualify for tax credits if my OH can ever get all the info we need to complete the application. I honestly can't believe it's come to this; I feel sick when I think about the £80k, and all the hours I worked my arse off to pay the bills. I've got nothing to show for it.

Thank goodness for my DC.

FlorisApple Mon 18-Jul-16 00:11:41

I think you need to focus on the absolutely practical minutae. Forget (for now) thinking about the relationship and feeling guilty/angry etc. Right now, you need to go into survival mode and do the best for you and the kids. Either: leave and go back to your folks, at least for a while, to sort out your practical stuff, and your head. Or: drag him down to the registry office and quickly marry him (stuff his family, he has lost the right to worry about them and what they want). I know this is not how you probably envisioned a wedding, but get yourself protected if you are going to stay with him. Then, focus on fixing up one room at a time, to the best of your ability. Make yourself and the kids a nice room to live in. I had to do this when my DH rented an absolute shit tip that I would never have rented (on a 12 month lease. I think he just saw how much space there was, but an owner would have had to pour at least a 100k into it to make it liveable, and we were just bloody renting! I know it's not the same as your situation, but you need to deal with your own comfort and mental health first.) At least he has electrician skills, so encourage him to go and get work with an employer, if possible - sounds like he needs the structure that a proper job would give him. Is there any land with the property that could be subdivided and sold off for some cash to fix up the house? Think practical right now and you will feel a little less stressed. Stop worrying about him and his feelings, he has put you in a very difficult situation.

annandale Mon 18-Jul-16 00:12:59

I agree then, go to your parents house and regroup.

DontForgetTheNameChange Mon 18-Jul-16 00:20:28

Thank you Floris and everyone else. There is a few acres of land with the house. I don't think my OH would consider selling it though; it was one if the things he was most interested in. Nobidy would stand any chance of getting planning permission on it though, and it's sadly not very valuable in this part of the country. I will talk to him about it though.

I'm also going to ask him to look at working for someone else, as I just don't think he's up to running a small business. He is so stubborn, and he has never listened to me.

I am most anxious about getting a room ready for the baby. They'll be in with us to begin with but currently the nursery is a bare brick room. It has no windows, walls partly built, bare floor with holes in. It's awful. I feel so guilty for having my DCs here. I know in some ways it would be better for them to live sonewhere else, but I don't want to part them from their father.

Lorelei76 Mon 18-Jul-16 00:29:15

You have nothing to feel guilty about
He's messed up
Move in with your folks and have a think.

NerdyBird Mon 18-Jul-16 00:42:04

Could you sell the barn rather than the house? I would strongly encourage your DP to get a paid job for now. Running your own business is tough and he should fix the current business mess, the house as much as he can and do some business courses before he thinks of trying again. Whether you decamp to your parents while he sorts stuff is up to you. Good luck with the baby.

joangray38 Mon 18-Jul-16 00:51:22

As he has been in the military can't he apply to SAFA for financial help to get him sorted?

FlorisApple Mon 18-Jul-16 00:57:29

Working through all this is good. You are making progress just putting it all into words and starting to figure out priorities. But: try to let go of the guilt. It really is not a productive emotion. The baby will be fine with just your love and care. He or she won't care about the room, but you will, so make sure you have some nice nurturing space to hole up in. Could you lease the land at all? I.e to a local farmer or horse owner?

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