Anyone else's husband become judgmental and boring?

[geordiegeorgie]

Grrr! We used to have such a fun relationship (met 9 years ago). Now we are married with two kids and he is so dull and judgemental. We have (almost) no sex, he treats me like one of the kids, we don't argue because it seems there isn't enough passion to make us argue. He is like a grumpy old man at the age of 34. And NO affection. Please don't tell me this is just what happens in a marriage, because I just can't accept that...

He is an EXCELLENT father. Really brilliant.

Sorry, I have to rant because it makes me feel so sad...

[Msqueen33]

My dh has turned into a bit of a boring old grump. He was always sensible but I find his incessant love of sport and lack of interest in anything else a bit dull plus he's always constantly asking 'where should we go today?' Or similar annoying questions. I basically have four kids sometimes.

[spookyelectric]

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother (Theodore Hesburg)." I think that is the famous quote - but may have pararphrased.

Will he be such an "excellent" father if he does nothing to meet your needs in the coming years?

I think you need to talk with your DH and work together to get a bit of passion back. I think when there is little affection that then criticism and resentment breed and parallel lives which is not a good template to set for your DC

[StepfauxWife]

I sometimes feel like this. We've been together about the same length of time as you and with two young kids, things can get a bit monotonous sometimes. I'm also guilty of being a total control freak which means he doesn't have to make a lot of effort.

I've started being a bit more direct in my requests, e.g. Can you sort a babysitter so we can go for a drink. If that's not possible, it might be worth initiating something like "date nights" (I know - boak) to get the spark back.

[geordiegeorgie]

Thanks ladies.

I hate to say it but if it weren't for the kids I would have left... BUT, I wouldn't because I would never want them to see their Daddy any less than they already do. And as I said, we don't argue, so it's not like it's an unhappy home for them.. It's just I'm miserable. I can't even describe how awful it is to feel your husband doesn't find you attractive. I'm having a boob job in September and a big part of me wonders whether I would still have wanted one if I felt attractive to DH...

[LegoStarWars]

Definitely feel like I could have written this post. DH is 39 and acts like he's in his 50s/60s – has moved on from wanting to do anything interesting (suggested going to see our favourite band last year, nope, live music is for much younger people) and oh so judgemental and grumpy about things.

Almost never wants sex (and actually says it's because of his age, because I'm sure all 39-year-old men consider themselves too old for proper sex lives) and it's soul-crushing to not feel desired by the one person who's supposed to want you.

If it wasn't for DS I'd know for sure I was leaving. As it is I'm very close anyway.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I honestly think this might be a really bad time to have surgery. Are you hoping that acquiring new perky tits will suddenly make him less judgemental and boring?

[Joysmum]

I've had a boob job but did it for me. If you're not doing it for you then don't have it done.

[timeforabrewnow]

Erm - I'm in my 50s and still go and live music/comedy etc.

It's possible to be a boring git at any age.

[timeforabrewnow]

*see

[bluemaid]

I have an actual 60-yr old grumpy old man to live with. Sounds very similar!

[LegoStarWars]

Lol, sorry I didn't mean to insult anyone older. It just seems so absolutely ridiculous that he insists he's too old for anything interesting when he's actually still in his 30s!

[Blushingm]

Must be related to my DH!

[VanillaSugar]

We need to start a club. "Fab Wives With Boring Husbands" ' mine freely admits that he no longer needs to make an effort now that he's married.

[geordiegeorgie]

Oh Lego I find is so reassuring I'm not the only one! Although sorry to hear you are in a crap situation too...

I've noticed I can't even make eye contact wth other men these days, like I'm embarrassed about how unattractive I must look.

What I would give for DH to just let his hair down a bit, or compliment me or hug me spontaneously!

[Greenandmighty]

Being 'boring' is a state of mind not an age and when you reach this age you'll probably not see it as being much older. I'm in my 50s. Actually, you find you get some time to yourself beyond the heavy duty childrearing years.....so there's light at the end of the tunnel. Life can get quite humdrum when the kids are small and parents are fighting tiredness etc. Have you tried telling dh how you feel and approaching him more directly about becoming intimate?

[geordiegeorgie]

Yes Green I totally agree about it being a state of mind rather than linked to age. We had a chat last night... he acknowledges his behaviour and says he loves me and will make more effort etc... Of course I'm grateful for his determination, but should intimacy and affection be forced?

[Greenandmighty]

Personally, I think it's a bit of a myth that we should all feel able to express love and affection naturally and spontaneously in any long term relationship. I think after a certain amount of years it takes effort. That's the challenge of a long term partnership. But I struggle too with that. Can't honestly say I want intimacy with DH and have let things slide in that area. Petty resentments and irritations build up. I think it's really hard to view the person you see everyday in a romantic and sexual light. But maybe I've been unlucky. Glad your DH listened and at least he says he loves you. Do you still fancy him?

[toadgirl]

Maybe he feels worn down and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life. You say he's an excellent father. Maybe he's been so focused on that, he's forgotten about the husband part?

Do you have time carved out just for the two of you to be a couple and have fun? Even if you're basically happy with your life, it can get very monotonous at times. Maybe you just need a shake-up - a long weekend away for just you two.

What are his parents like? Some people unconsciously feel they have to mirror their parents' marriage in order to be responsible, etc.

The man you met is in there somewhere, you just need to try and get him out to play again!

[Kenduskeag]

Mine went from a lovely bloke with a wide variety of interests to an utter workaholic. Wake up, work, office, work, come home, work til midnight. Work work work. Talk about work. Think about work.

There's no point trying to address it - all he can say is "Well, I've got to work!"

I've pretty much given up trying to change anything. He isn't going to become a fun cheerful 'boyfriend' again, so meh. His loss.

[RaisinGirls]

I'm also a fabulous wife with a boring husband - and he is (2 years) younger than me. All I ever hear from him is no we can't do that we have no money (we do), or he criticises and finds fault in what I do. Every evening he sits there reading and ignoring me and drinking his wine. Never wants to watch a film or chat. We've a young child so I know things can change but sometimes I think he's used it as an opportunity to settle into mediocrity. I've spoken with him and he either says he's perfectly happy and this is what happens after you have children and are together for years or he snaps and says I'm looking for ways to moan.

All I want is someone who will go out with me once a week - to a film, theatre, art collection, comedy night. There is so much we could do and experience together it saddens me that he doesn't want to share anything like that with me. I've started going out loads with my friends to different things but not sure that is helping

[toadgirl]

I've spoken with him and he either says he's perfectly happy and this is what happens after you have children and are together for years

I wonder where on earth they get these ideas from?

What is his parents' marriage like?

[autumnleaves123]

Yes, I feel like this a lot of the time. Not so much the judgemental bit, but the grumpy, boring, lack of affection and passion. We argue, though, as he drives me mad when he's like that.

All that seems to really motivative him is having his alcohol in the evenings and watch his series and programmes.

The needs and wants of the cat and the children seem always more important than mine. Really fed up sometimes...

[RaisinGirls]

Yes, I feel like our child's needs always come before mine. Regardless of what's the need is - e.g. I was really tired last night and said I was going to go for a line down and he criticised me saying I could stay up half an hour later with our child as I hadn't spent enough time with them that day (I'd gone for a run for an hour and then had a shower).

His parents are incredibly boring people - think George and Mildred without the humour but seem devoted to each other.