Jekyll and Hyde

[Pinkacid84]

Just after some advice and to vent. I've been with my DP just over 2 year lived together 5 months. I have a DS from a previous relationship, we live our day to day life normal and happily DP adores DS myself and DP show lots of effection to each other get a long well and are very much in love. However in the 5 month and on three occasions when myself and DP have gone out drinking and he's got drunk he's turned into this person I don't recognise. The first time we were having something to eat in a restaurant and just started to feel ill I asked DP if we could go home after the meal rather then to more pubs and he snapped calling me pathetic and a loser saying I always ruin his nights out calling me names really shouting and intimidating. We got over that just put it down to drink. Something similar happened the second time because I'd been up for work from 5.30am I was ready for home earlier from our night out he again kicked off in public name calling again being nasty. Again this was forgiven. Last night we went away for a night away we were having a brilliant time got back to the hotel and he starts saying why don't you love me, I've been hugging and kissing you all day and you haven't done it back which I definitely did. I just said can we just go to sleep and again he flipped called me a bitch punched the mattress then said if I didn't move he'd punch me. This is the first time he's threatened violence he didn't hit me and I really don't think he would but I was obviously quite scared he's 6foot and stocky I'm only 5ft 3. He eventually calmed down we went to sleep then this morning he says am I going to say sorry??! I don't know why I need to say sorry. I've told him I may have to end the relationship because he scares me when this happens he just says everyone argues when they're drunk but it's never an argument I hardly say anything just get verbal abuse! I really don't know what to do like I say he's the most kind natured loveliest person sober. Is the answer to end it or for him not to drink but he doesn't see the problem

[DoreenLethal]

Yes of course the answer is to end it!

[FreeFromHarm]

Sorry you are going through this, you need to end this , seriously it will not get any better. Is it your home or joint ?

[EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes]

I'm really sorry Pink but if he doesn't see this as a problem then it will keep happening. You need to consider ending it while the relationship is still young, if not for you then for your son

[Pinkacid84]

We rent at the moment. He's gone to work now, when he was leaving he said he'd stay at his mums if I wanted he was crying though. How can he be so different sober and drunk. I mean, I've been known to start silly arguments when drunk but I've never called him names or threatened him. Do you think if he promised to only have a couple of drinks when we go out would be a way to sort it or are you thinking he could become like this without drink?

[ElspethFlashman]

No he'll become like this without drink. Cos all the drink does is allow the mask to slip.

You talk as if he gets a personality transplant when he drinks. No. This IS his personality. It's all one thing. He just controls it more or less during the day.

You have to really stop minimising it too.

Write down all the names he called you and really look at them.

You say the previous two times it was forgiven. How? How did you decide that being called vile names was forgiveable?

[HandyWoman]

This has escalated quickly in the last 5 months from verbal abuse to threats of physical violence. You can work out what the next step is. I am quite frightened for you. Jealous, possessive behaviour, vitriol and threats. This is the real him. His mask has slipped a little now that you live with him and are 2 years down the line. The mask just slips further when he is drunk, that's all.

Get. Out. Of this relationship.

Please please please do The Freedom Programme and leave him ASAP. If not for you (please please do it for you) then for your son.

I was in an abusive relationship and it started like this. It never gets better. You start to lose yourself. It only gets worse. Get out.

[Pinkacid84]

I guess I forgave him the first two times because he turns on the charm and he's the man I fell in love with like he is now. He has called me some horrible stuff even a shit mother the second time. He's not really apologised for last night just keeps saying I must have started it but he can't remember what I said!

[TheStoic]

What would he have to do for you to NOT forgive him?

Whatever that is, why not end it before that happens?

[OurBlanche]

He can apologise all he wants but think back to this morning... was he crying AT you?

That would be classic emotional blackmail behaviour and charming people use it a lot.

Think long and hard about this. As others have said, the violence and threats of violence are getting worse move or I'll punch you is not normal behaviour for most people when they are drunk... just a minority of aggressive pillocks who like a fight but need a drink to get them started... and then don't need the drink, they just start.

Sadly for you the man you fell in love with doesn't really exist... he has a violent side that you don't need to understand or accept.

Pack his bags up and let him move back to his mums permanently. Now, before you do have a child with him or get more financially embroiled.

Good luck.

[HandyWoman]

Oh yes, the crying. When you see them cry you feel sad for them. And the sadness you feel for them is more palatable to you than the shock, anger and indignation at what they've said and how they've treated you.

My ExH used to cry in these situations. He cried for himself. He had no actual way of verbalising any emotions around it. It's a symptom of a damaged human being, not a remorseful one.

[FloweryTwat]

Oh goodness, next time he will hit you - I'd put money on it. Then he will hit you everytime he gets drunk, and then whenever he feels like for some imagined slight.

Please leave him now, he isn't even sorry for what he has done. Because he thinks it's fine to treat you like that, and his contempt for you will just grow and grow :(

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

This is the real him that he's showing you. It has nothing to do with drink other than taking the brakes off.

I'd show him the door purely for the crocodile tears. Manipulative prick!

Get rid. It won't get better, only worse. Much, much worse.

[MephistoMarley]

Jekyll and Hyde was a story. People don't have entirely different monsters living inside them who cannot be controlled when they come out. People are just themselves, and when a person is occasionally abusive they are still acting as themself.
The fact that he physically threatened you, can't remember what happened and blames you (ie doesn't believe your account) is highly, highly dangerous. He's escalating and the next time he may well hurt you badly.
You have to get rid, you have children to think about. End this now.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. I would start thinking of a way out.

[Pinkacid84]

Thanks for your replies! I don't think I was expecting you all to say leave I thought maybe I was being over the top I suppose because he's made me think like that

[OurBlanche]

See the Nest of Vipers can be a very supportive bunch. If you need help with How To... I am sure there will be many with some good, detailed practical advice for you.

For now, stay safe. Know your own mind.

[Pinkacid84]

I'd certainly manage on my own I have amazing family and friends a good job with a good wage plus savings I could continue the rent on my own. I just don't know how or what to tell people and I know it's going to be so hard I do love him. I need to keep looking at this thread and like someone suggested write down all the things he's called me. My DS is 4 he will probably miss him for a while but I'm sure it's better for him in the long run

[ElspethFlashman]

A 4 year old would forget about him pretty quickly I imagine. What with school etc.

As for what you tell people: "It just didn't work out". When (nosy) people press for more details say "Oh I'd rather not bang on about it thanks. Onwards and upwards! Anyway enough about that - how about you?"

[LilacInn]

He sounds disgusting. How can you think of keeping a mean drunk around your son?

What he shows when his inhibitions are loosened by drink are his true opinions of you and his true character, mark my words.

[Choceeclair123]

This is escalating, next time you're going to get a punch! Please get that monster away from you and your little boy.

[DoreenLethal]

I just don't know how or what to tell people

Really, do people ask these sorts of questions?

If they do just say 'he turned out to be not as nice as I thought'.

[Pinkacid84]

Well he text me from work asking if I was 'OK' like we'd just had a little tiff over who forgot the milk. I wouldn't normally do it by text but he doesn't finish until 10.30 so I told him I definitely wanted to end it and my reasons. He replied saying it's not who he is it's just the drink. He says he'd never hurt me he'd kill himself if he did. He says he won't drink as much and he says he'll even see someone about it. God my heads a reck luckily DS is with his dad until tomorrow

[ElspethFlashman]

Bollocks to all that. It's just beer, not magic.

Have you answered?

If not, I recommend "thanks but no thanks"

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

OP - please, please know that his behaviour won't change. This pattern will continue and will escalate.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

He's going to love bomb you, tell you everything you want to hear, make fantastic promises to change, and declarations of love. Don't be drawn in by it.