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Would you class this as abusive?

(122 Posts)
WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 11:32:19

A wife and mother whose husband is of another culture/language. Both partners are bilingual i.e. speak, read and write the other's language to a very high level. The language of the couple is the wife's language.

Wife/mother does everything she can to prevent the couple's DC from learning the H's language, visiting his country and having contact with his family.

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 12:48:40


Sassypants82 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:50:33

Is there any reason why? With no other facts, yes, I would say that it's unreasonable / abusive.

WellErrr Sun 17-Jul-16 12:51:11

Depends. Need more details.

My family is bilingual. I don't speak DH's language (although I do understand it) so I don't share it with the children. I teach them my language and my heritage.
It's up to him to teach them his language and heritage. But I would never try to prevent this.

What do you mean by prevent?

mzS1990 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:54:26

Yes I would.

What are the reasons behind it?

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 12:54:28

By prevent, I mean that she vilifies the H's country/culture/family and does everything possible to teach her DC a third language (the language of the country in which the family resides) to displace the H's language. The DC are schooled in her language (a much more expensive option than schooling them in his language).

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 12:57:49

I think the main reason is that she hates her husband. She didn't always hate his culture, that's for sure.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Sun 17-Jul-16 12:58:25

It sounds very controlling but not really possible to call it abusive without further details such as what are the wife's motives?

Surely the husband can still share his language with the DC even if the wife does nothing to facilitate this?

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 12:58:30

And it's a power/control issue - she has much more power ove her DC that way,

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 12:59:51

It's quite hard for the H to share his language if the wife and three DC speak her language all day long, both together and at school.

DoreenLethal Sun 17-Jul-16 13:04:11

Did he abdicate his responsibility to his kids by not being there half the time, and not being part of the decision as to which school they went to etc?

Bailey101 Sun 17-Jul-16 13:05:04

Is the husband from a country where he would automatically get custody of the children? Could she be scared of him taking the kids to his home country and not allowing them to leave?

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 13:05:44

No, he didn't agree with the school choices his W made but was overruled.

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 13:06:49

No, H is from a normal Western European country and he would have no good claim to custody.

WellErrr Sun 17-Jul-16 13:06:52

Just admit that you are the husband instead of talking in this odd third person way.

GottaCatchEmAll Sun 17-Jul-16 13:07:09

Has he asked her why?

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 13:07:50

I'm definitely not the H! I'm another family member.

KateInKorea Sun 17-Jul-16 13:08:48

Is it a power/control issue though? Or is that the husband ascribing those motives to her to a captive audience?

So let's say Mum speaks English , living in France and Dad is from a place with non mainstream language e.g. Denmark, Japan, Bangladesh?

I can understand the mum saying they must have perfect English and they will speak French from living there. So certainly whilst they are young I can see someone (especially if prone to anxiety) feeling that the third language has to temporarily take lower precedence. It needn't, but the father has to take the bull by the horn and say that he is going to speak with the children in his mother tongue.

Similarly "visiting his country" covers a multitude of sins doesn't it. Which is 'his' country?

Elllicam Sun 17-Jul-16 13:10:34

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding but if she is teaching the children the language of the country they are living in, surely that should be priority over the husband's language?

mzS1990 Sun 17-Jul-16 13:10:45

I've noticed lots of mums get too possessive over their children. The dads culture Is half of who her children are. If she didn't like it , she shouldn't have had a baby with him.

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 13:10:48

No, both parents speak totally mainstream languages. The language of the country they reside in is less so (though still a taught language).

Minniemagoo Sun 17-Jul-16 13:11:25

I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities for the H to share his language, when alone with the kids, reading bedtime stories, etc. It doesn't sound like the H is excluded.from day to day life in any way, he is fluent in his W and children's language.
If the H's language is an uncommon one similar to Irish or Welsh and they don't live or plan to live in that country and the children are young it isn't abusive just a matter of prioritising. Your OP doesn't give a lot of relevant info tbh.

mzS1990 Sun 17-Jul-16 13:11:45

Is the language Welsh?

mzS1990 Sun 17-Jul-16 13:12:28

I mean is the mothers country language Welsh.

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis Sun 17-Jul-16 13:13:09

Why should the language of the country they are living in take priority over the H's language. The family has lived in several countries - while the language of the country is important, it is less important in the big schem of things than the language of grandparents etc.

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