Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

separation... please tell me this gets easier

(8 Posts)
MaudlinNamechange Sun 17-Jul-16 11:32:08

exP and I are still living together ( in separate rooms, with our two dcs) while he sorts out his own place.

Suddenly, the grief is killing me.

Today I am a wreck.

For the first time, we have talked about it. He says that he has been unhappy and growing apart from me every year since we met. that was 11 years ago. we have had two children in that time, who are 7 and 5. FFS.

If I really want to be honest with myself I knew he wasn't there for me. I have been lonely and desperate relatively often long before I had children. I don't know why I thought he would change. I think he is a decent but closed off guy who wants love but doesn't know how to do it. Or, he wants love, but just doesn't love me.

Suddenly I am completely devastated. I have been having stupid thoughts about asking him to stay. i have been having stupid thoughts about meeting someone else, which I do not want to do, and do not think I will. I just feel so desperate.

I have been having awful thoughts about how my whole life has been a serious of unsuccessful, temporary, and delusory attempts to stave off misery, including this relationship.

I feel isolated, I feel I have no friends. I went a long way to try and meet some people with my kids yesterday and couldn't find anyone. we were hot and I was stressed and sad and dying inside. today I just can't stop crying.

I remembered another time in the past before I met him, after breaking up with someone else, when I went to meet friends and was very lonely and keen to see them and couldn't find them. I feel like my whole life without a partner is just being lonely and desperate and let down.

So this is what I want to hear from you lovely people:

it does get better
I don't need to meet anyone else
I will build a good circle of good friends
People will not always let me down and I will not always be lonely

I can't live like this. I feel desperate, self harmy desperate

FreeFromHarm Sun 17-Jul-16 11:43:30

Sorry to here you are going through this, it does get better, once he has left you will feel much more in control and soon get into your own routine.
From your post, he has checked out of the marriage , so try and keep your emotions in check, it is a 'grieving' process just like when you lose a family member through death.
Go to the gp and explain your situation, it will help .
Try and stay positive and get yourself out of the house, it will help. try not to have any confrontations it will help keep the home calm for d'cs
Are you intending to stay in the property ? what is the situation there do you have to move out to ?

MaudlinNamechange Sun 17-Jul-16 12:15:10

I am going to be staying here, I have all the paperwork sorted to buy him out and I think this is what has brought this to a head suddenly. Money will be tight but I don't want to make my girls move right now. they will be living part of the time with their dad but I don't want them to lose what they think f as their home. If we need to downsize later I'll deal with it then but I'm going to try to keep this place.

I feel like I need to make some local friends. I don't really know anyone here properly and I feel like maybe when he has gone I can be honest with people and try to get a bit more involved with local mums and people like that. I feel strange being around people who don't know what's going on and it's killing me really.

Feel so awful that he has been so unhappy all this time and blaming me. I have been unhappy too but he has been so distant I thought he liked it like that. I guess he doesn't, he just didn't love me

FreeFromHarm Sun 17-Jul-16 12:23:41

So good you are able to stay, its is a script they use that they do not love you anymore, you will find he did love you but just not got the guts to end it, has he got someone else ( do not want to upset you) ?
He will blame anybody but himself, do not let it hurt you, blank it out , you are going to be ok, you will make friends and move on.
Try some meditation and get yourself into the calm mode, watch Mathew hussey on getting over heartbreak, it has really helped me.
I have escaped my home with my dc , I have no friends ( live in a town I do not know) I know the desperation and grief you are feeling, everything is going to be ok

8FencingWire Sun 17-Jul-16 12:28:57

I think he just wore you down, by the sound of it.
If it helps, you're not alone smile I am moving out too. You will be fine and you will get to know and be kind to yourself again and enjoy life. You're stronger than you think. You'll be just fine.

MaudlinNamechange Sun 17-Jul-16 13:24:11

Thank you, I very much appreciate the replies.

I don't think he has anyone else. I think he will soon though. It isn't that I think he is lining someone up; it's just how I think things will turn out.

(I have stopped following him on Facebook so I don't have to be tortured wondering who, of the people he is seeing socially, it might be)

Really, really blue today. Telling myself that this is just something that has to be got through, like an illness. I can't change it; I can't make it better; no point in wondering whether I could have done anything differently. This is just what I feel like for now and it will stop, I hope.

It just feels like I have never been happy. I thought things were going to be so different. Why should they be different? It's me. It's just me.

myownperson Sun 17-Jul-16 15:03:47

OP sorry you're feeling so bad. I am very recently separated and I can tell you that those desperate feelings (SH) which I know well have lifted. I have had a couple of really tough moments this week but not once have I had the same dark thoughts or acted on them. It wasn't until I left that I realised how awful the limbo stage is.

I'm learning that life isn't suddenly miraculously perfect but it is still so much better.

It really really does get better. You need to believe that. I found myself a very good counsellor near the end and she said that the thinking about all the bad stuff from over the years was "fuel" to keep me going with the plan to leave. It's hard when you are questioning your whole life but maybe that will keep you going to make the changes you need. Try distraction, try not to let things spiral but don't be too scared, your feelings are serving a purpose.

Are you able to access counselling?

Definitely talk to your GP.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to? I am slowly reconnecting with some old friends who all live quite a distance. It's not easy when you have no one to talk to. I've been relying on counselling, MN and Samaritans for kindness and support. I don't know if you've ever called Samaritans. It's difficult, it's not a friend but it's a kind person who will listen. I found it helped at lowest moments.

i have been having awful thoughts about how my whole life has been a serious of unsuccessful, temporary, and delusory attempts to stave off misery, including this relationship.

Again I really relate to this. It made me wonder if there is any point/hope even if i did leave. What if I get it all wrong again. But I think you might be able to think differently once you've left. im starting to believe (most of the time!) that I've been through the worst life can throw at me and it's behind me. It can only get better.

Try to believe it will get better.

I can't offer you all the reassurance you are after because it's so early for me but I can say that despite living in turmoil for months over the decision I have felt better this week than I have in a long time.

And I dont know anyone in the city I live in but there is something about keeping your truth hidden that makes you feel distanced. It's been easier to chat a little this week.

You're not alone. It will be ok.

When is your husband due to leave? You sound like you've already been incredibly practical and sensible in thinking about the house. And in knowing this will pass.

I typed this earlier but didn't post because it was so long and full of "I". Sorry, I'm not very concise!

chattygranny Sun 17-Jul-16 15:11:54

A friend of mine went through this when her children were a similar age. Once he is gone and you have some childless weekends (I know that's hard to contemplate) perhaps you could sign up for a weekend workshop on separation or divorce? My friend did that and met new people in her area going through the same thing and made new friends. There is also Gingerbread who run support for single parents around the country. I know joining anything at your lowest ebb is hard but it's one step which could open whole new doors and vistas beyond doors. I hope things perk up for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now