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I have ruined my marriage...

(60 Posts)
JumpedUpPantryBoy Sat 16-Jul-16 23:53:58

I have been married for 5 months and it has been the toughest 5 months. I can't share a bed with my husband because his snoring is very loud. This is a huge issue because as a newly married couple, we want to share the same bed. Also, we live in a 1 bedroom flat so no chance we can have separate rooms.
My husband sleeps on our uncomfortable sofa bed each night. When we try and sleep in the same bed, there are arguments as I get anxious about his snoring etc. These arguments have just torn our relationships to figurative shreds. If only I could just get over the snoring - but I can't. My husband is so unhappy. I don't know what to do.
We have tried everything except for surgical options - DH was told he didn't score high enough for medical treatment when he did a sleep study maybe they should try sleeping next to him.
Has anyone got any advice? I am desperate to fix this. Everything else is fine but this has just brought us to new lows sad.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:57:28

Sorry to ask but does he drink or is overweight?

ishouldcocoa Sun 17-Jul-16 00:01:30

I have just invested in a pair of ear plugs that are anti snore ones. From Boots quite expensive. Like about £8 but they cut out a LOT of the noise.

coolaschmoola Sun 17-Jul-16 00:04:01

I try to get to sleep first. I have also 'trained' dh to roll over without waking him up. Your dh can't help it, so why is he permanently on the sofa?

RoseDawson Sun 17-Jul-16 00:05:47

Did you not realise this before marriage? I assume you didn't live together before getting married? This is an example of why that is a very bad idea!

JumpedUpPantryBoy Sun 17-Jul-16 00:05:52

No, not overweight and doesn't drink - well only on special occasions.
He chooses to be on the sofa so there are no arguments. But we try each night to share the bed: it rarely works.

ItsNotUnusualToBe Sun 17-Jul-16 00:06:03

Snoring ring. Reduced my DH snoring by approx 90%. I can tell when he hadn't got it on.

JumpedUpPantryBoy Sun 17-Jul-16 00:06:28

No we have lived together for 5 years and it's only in the last 6 months this has become a problem.

JumpedUpPantryBoy Sun 17-Jul-16 00:08:28

ItsNotUnusualToBe I haven't heard of that one before, will definitely be trying that one, thank you.

RebelRogue Sun 17-Jul-16 00:11:52

Did his snoring become worse in the past 6 months,or your ability to deal with it? Anything else not quite well in your relationship?

Try going to bed before him,ear plugs etc. Do you get any help for your anxiety? Do you guys cuddle,talk etc in bed?

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sun 17-Jul-16 00:17:13

I'm a terrible snorer. I used a snoring device, it did help ( so I'm told).
I think if you can train yourself to switch off and not anticipate the snoring issue that might help.

TheCraicDealer Sun 17-Jul-16 00:19:17

Either his snoring has got much worse or you're becoming a lighter sleeper. Do you have anything else going on that's causing you stress/anxiety? Aside from this, I mean! DP is a loud snorer and some nights, seemingly for no reason, I have a much lower tolerance for it.

Some things you could try now are getting decent earplugs, staggering your bedtimes (not romantic, I know), and taking turns on the sofa so he gets the odd night in the bed. If the sofa bed is that bad you could get something like this. We have one and it's surprisingly comfy.

These are all short term things to cope with the current situation, but I think the only long term solution would be to seek private treatment. That's if it really is that bad- I don't doubt that it's keeping you awake, but if he's been signed off without any further treatment/advise then maybe it's more to do with you being a very light sleeper. Which I 100% relate to....

HeddaGarbled Sun 17-Jul-16 00:19:31

The problem is the snoring. You haven't ruined your marriage. You wouldn't be anxious if he didn't snore. Of course you can't sleep with someone who snores loudly. You would not get proper sleep if you attempted to sleep in the same bed and you cannot function healthily without sleep.

Bollocks to the earplugs. It's the snoring which needs fixing. He needs to go back to his GP, especially with the new information that this has got worse over the last 6 months.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Sun 17-Jul-16 00:31:08

I put a pillow behind my dh back so he stays on his side and doesn't snore as much like he does if he rolls on his back.

Does he smoke?

Take it in turns on the sofa bed? We occasionally will one or the other end up on the couch.

Do earplugs not block it out?

WillPenn Sun 17-Jul-16 00:32:36

DH snores and always has done. We sleep in the same room but have single beds divided by a bedside table. I wear heavy duty ear plugs. I know two beds is not for everyone but we are in total agreement that this is the best solution because we both like our own space and duvet. In lots of other European countries double beds are much bigger and have two mattresses and people always have their own duvet. I've no idea how (or why) most British people sleep in tiddly beds fighting over a single duvet, on a mattress that wobbles every time one of you twitches. It is well known that sleeping like this causes long term sleep deprivation and then makes couples angry with each other all the time!

JumpedUpPantryBoy Sun 17-Jul-16 00:33:33

I agree it's because I'm a light sleeper and it makes me terribly anxious even when I hear him breathe loudly. I agree that I need to train myself to be calm but it just doesn't happen. I am a deputy head of a school and I just can't function on less than 7 hours sleep so if I'm awoken I become anxious and it's a vicious cycle.
DH is very clear that my anxiety is the issue here not his snoring, although he is aware the snoring contributes to the issue.
I can hear him now and I just want to cry sad.
I am grateful that we are otherwise healthy and there are not any other big issues but right now, I feel that this is a massive road block.
Sorry for moaning I just cannot talk to anyone irl about this.

ChasedByBees Sun 17-Jul-16 00:42:21

The anxiety isn't the issue though. Being kept awake is.

I would examine what changed 6 months ago - whether that was something with you or him. If him, you might be able to get investigations. It could be something like polyps in the nose or some other physical cause.

Can you move house to a place with two bedrooms?

WillPenn Sun 17-Jul-16 00:43:40

I hear you - in the past I've got very worked up about not having enough sleep to function too. I think you need to find some strategies for getting out of the vicious cycle of worrying about not getting to sleep and therefore not getting to sleep - visualization, deep breathing, relaxation etc. But also, you do need your DH to help you come up with a solution whereby you can both sleep in the same room but he doesn't snore so loudly you can't sleep. And buy some earplugs. I use Boots wax plugs and they really do block out most of the snoring.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Sun 17-Jul-16 00:44:34

No advice, but completely understand. Ex-husband could be heard snoring on another floor of the house. Made me murderous with sleep deprivation.

mathanxiety Sun 17-Jul-16 00:45:43

DH is very clear that my anxiety is the issue here not his snoring

DH is bullying you, my dear.

Get a recording device and turn it on nightly for a while. Select the loudest night. Replay it for him.

Or wake him from his sleep for a week or two, and ask him how he feels.

Tell him he is going to have to get the snoring fixed. That in turn will help you relax about the prospect of getting some sleep, which will help you sleep, which will mean you are all lovey dovey again. He is not to take no for an answer from his GP.

Until the snoring is fixed, you do not cook, do laundry or any other chores you have been doing.

Bloopbleep Sun 17-Jul-16 00:50:53

I'm lying here awake because our bed is vibrating with oh's snoring. For our anniversary this year he got me 100 packs of earplugs (and I genuinely loved them!!) He has some deformity with his soft palette and he was given a mouth guard that he refuses to wear because, get this, HE can't sleep wearing it... But I'm expected to sleep on a vibrating bed while he merrily grunts and oinks his way to dreamland. I find the drinker he is the less her snores- would turning him into an alcoholic make this problem go away?

One thing that worked short term for him was the gel things you put at back of your mouth. Only thing that works long term for me is a good elbow in his side then pretending to be asleep.

Sorry I'm not more helpful. Earplugs are your friend

trafalgargal Sun 17-Jul-16 00:53:49

Of course he isn't bullying her ....
My OH can be heard two rooms away , if I fall asleep before him then it doesn't wake me but if he falls asleep first i'm in trouble.

I find white noise through earplugs helps but I don't understand why he is moving to the sofa bed......are you seriously waking him to get him to move to the sofa.......wouldn't fifty fifty be fairer ?

mathanxiety Sun 17-Jul-16 01:07:16

He is bullying her if he is adamant that her anxiety is the problem while at the same time keeping her from sleep and expecting her to put up with that situation indefinitely.

He has upset her so much that she wants to cry when she hears his words in her head. She is feeling guilty for wrecking her marriage when all she wants is seven hours of sleep per night in her own bed with her husband sleeping peacefully beside her.

He is unhappy, apparently, but he is still getting a full night's sleep.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Enoughisenough9 Sun 17-Jul-16 01:11:59

I love that the person causing the noise disturbance shouldn't be disturbed! Fuck that. Let him sleep in the shed or get it sorted.

TheCraicDealer Sun 17-Jul-16 01:14:13

He's been to the doctor. He's taken part in a sleep study and been turned down for surgery which is seen as a last resort. He's tried "everything" remedy-wise according to the OP. He's also leaving their bed to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa bed to let her get some kip. The fact that he's starting to bring up the OP's anxiety at this point, which she admits is an issue, doesn't make him a bully. He's probably as frustrated as the OP and seems to have been pretty committed so far to doing his bit to address the issue. Using household tasks as a bartering tool is only going to inflame the situation and cause the OP more stress and more anxiety.

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