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Is amicable split really possible?

(8 Posts)
KatieKaboom Sat 16-Jul-16 22:53:23

I did not expect to be posting a thread here.

DH and I together nearly 10 years, DD aged5.

It seems DH and I have reached the end of the line. He is from the UK. I'm not and we live in a third country (it's a slightly itinerant existence owing to the nature of my job)

I have finally got him to admit that her educational needs cannot be met here. She has autism and speech delay. Loves (if doesn't understand) other children and needs socialisation so is at a school here in Language 2, which probably isn't hurting her but she isn't really picking it up at all and I think it's all very tough. We took her to England for a holiday recently and she was beaming because the kids were chattering in English and she could understand some things. IAt once she was using more comprehensible language at home rather than inarticulate ramblings. 'm convinced that an all-English environment could really work wonders for her.

I want to go back to my country. The UK is out- the govt deports spouses and children of citizens unless they meet certain critera we can't meet . But in my country, I can work, live, open a bank account, rent a house- all things I can do in Country X but not blimmin England. And the primary schools are lovely and she will be able to speak English and I believe get good support.

I am travelling back there to finally get the last part of my postgrad professional training done, which will open up far greater job opportunities.

DH agrees that this needs doing but has flatly refused to come. He did live with me there for a while and it WAS hell- no money, high cost of living, earthquakes galore and my family were bloody awful to him.

So he is now saying- go, raise DD there if you must, but I won't come. sad

He is deadly serious- he can see my arguments in favour of going, but will not accompany us.

Could he really relinquish DD so easily? I asked him and he said, "I shouldn't have married you if you thought I am the sort of man who would take a child away from its mother."

I wouldn't have married someone who could give up his own daughter so easily. hmm

He doesn't want a divorce and says he's been faithful but he refuses to come with me and we really have no other option left (could have got DD EU citizenship through very tortuous process as route into UK for her- but not me).

What am I missing?

We have a very good friendly chatty relationship but it's been a hard year and I'm amazed it's sort of all unravelled this quickly tbh.

I can see no other option now for DD's sake, he agrees- and still he i implacable that he will not go back there. He loves this place, is a big fish in a small pond here, I suppose.

Has anyone else had an intercontinental thing go bad? What the hell do I do now?

I'm sorry that this is all over the place. I can't think straight.

KatieKaboom Sat 16-Jul-16 23:02:42

Sorry that that was so incoherent. I teach legal writing for a living! smile

My heart is a little shrivelled thing.

I am going to go and lie down beside my daughter and ponder.

He can't love me at all, can he? I don't dare ask him directly. Not that words mean a fuck of a lot anyway.

Peonylass Sun 17-Jul-16 08:48:27

I don't have anything except to say that it is a very brave thing to take this step to help your daughters. I'm sorry it's such a hard time for you.

Would your husband be able to live and work freely in your home country?

tofutti Sun 17-Jul-16 08:57:25

Sounds like a very tough situation.

Does your DH have UK citizenship? Could he not move there and establish a home there? Surely you would meet the criteria for dependant family after a certain amount of time? Have you sooken to an immigration solicitor?

There must be a way around this, if you both want to make it work.

HappyJanuary Sun 17-Jul-16 10:08:32

I must admit I'm curious as to why you wouldn't be granted indefinite leave to stay in the uk. Is it worth getting professional advice to exhaust every avenue?

It seems like such a desperate step. I understand your need to ensure the best education for your child, but I also understand your DH's reluctance to return to a country where he has previously felt unwelcome and unhappy.

If you love each other you will find a way, and I think that that is the difficult conversation you must have. His apparent willingness to let you both go does not bode well but could he be calling your bluff?

Mummydummy Sun 17-Jul-16 17:49:59

I agree with the suggestion of seeking legal advice on the chance of living in the UK. I also wondered whether he is calling your bluff. If you actually said you were going it might actually really shock and horrify him. But you need to talk honestly and openly to find out - there is just too much at stake.

My greatest sympathy to you.

category12 Sun 17-Jul-16 18:15:22

I think for him to choose this, it must have been horrendous for him in your home country. You're asking a lot if his sole source of support and happiness there would be you and your dd. I wouldn't recommend to anyone that they moved somewhere where the in-laws are 'bloody awful' to them. It obviously doesn't have that awfulness for you, but you're asking him to spend the next decade or more of your dd's schooling (and beyond when it's where she has settled) in a place he hates and is treated badly. I am not sure that you're seeing the enormity of it.

Maybe what you're planning is for the best for you and your dd, but I think it's better he knows he cannot do this thing and you take different paths now, than it all implodes disastrously in your homeland.

MephistoMarley Sun 17-Jul-16 18:20:41

Why couldn't you get leave to remain in the uk? I know he would have to earn above the threshold but if he's a professional that shouldn't be hard?
I had an international marriage and he moved here for me. He couldn't do it in the long term and I don't blame him for that. It's not possible to live forever in a country where you don't feel at home. The idea that you can conquer any misgivings over where you live with love is a romantic one but not realistic.

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