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Feel so low. Really need advice please

(13 Posts)
Madonna76 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:13:40

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting and I'm really sorry if it's long sad Basically I'm 36 weeks pregnant and my partner left me (again) last week. I'm 40 years old and my partner is 45 and we also have a 5 year old son. I also have 2 older children from a previous partner and he is fine. My current partner is not fine and neither am I due to 7 years of abuse. I know I should have left this man years ago but I was so in love with him and I feel brainwashed and weak. I used to be such a strong woman but it's like I'm a weak woman now that allows this man to abuse me, calls me cunt, weirdo, ugly, freak, refuses to give me money ( I don't work), lies to me constantly, he's been very violent to me in the past. That's stopped but he did fracture my ribs and nose few years ago. Punched me etc. he apologised for this but the pain is still there. Since he's stopped being violent, the mental abuse has got so bad sad, I don't even recognise myself now and it's got worse the last few months of this pregnancy. He said he hoped I die in childbirth, pushed me last week, threatens to take me to court over access to kids now we have split up as he says he's wealthy and can wipe the floor with me. I live in rented accommodation which fortunately is in my name, but he refuses to have any joint accounts with me, will not give details to CSA and says he will never marry me. We've been together 7 years and will have 2 children but he won't give me any proper commitment. Not that I want it now. My baby is lying in dangerous position and he stresses me out to the point where my bump goes rock hard and I get upset and he calls me attention seeking whore and pathetic. He's stopped touching my bump and last time I saw him ( last weds), he sat at table saying it was me that was abusive???!! And I was in tears and he was recording me on his phone. He gets aggressive when I ask him about his lies as if it's my fault. He says I don't trust him but of course I don't as he's lied to me for 7 years. He says the most awful things about me to people who have never met me to make him look like a victim. They have no idea what he's put me through. I've not had any contact with him since he left last Thursday. I don't want anything to do with him. Is it wrong for me to cut him out of our lives as he's so evil at times. He said he doesn't want to be at birth and I can raise baby on my own. I feel like he's destroyed me sad I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it's like I'm brainwashed. He also shoved me and banged my bump last week and then stood over me when I was in tears calling me pathetic psycho. It was awful. Any advice would be great please. X

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 16-Jul-16 21:17:29

Well, I think him having left is the absolute best thing that could have happened. Don't even consider for a moment the idea of having him back. Domestic abuse commonly escalates during pregnancy, do you feel you could talk to your midwife about what's happening? They're trained to help deal with this and can put you in touch with the right people to help.

Madonna76 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:19:22

I do but I'm scared that she will contact social services or something and I don't want that. I've got great support from my parents so I think I'll be ok financially. It's just emotionally right now I feel like I'm going through hell sad x

coco1810 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:40:26

Look, it might be a good thing if SS get involved. They aren't there to snatch kids away for no reason but understandably it's something parents fear. You need to go LC with him and concentrate on your baby and the remainder of your pregnancy. Have you told your midwife about the abuse? Right now she's probably your best ally.

Hurtandconfused2016 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:42:04

Op does he have a key to the flat?
You have to tell your midwife they will give you great support for before and after baby is born!
The times he has hurt you have you called the police?

coco1810 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:42:42

Sorry - me again! It doesn't matter if he refuses to comply with CSA. They will track his earnings through national insurance, tax and bank records. Secondly, as a single mom you will be entitled to benefits to get you back on your feet. Have you contacted womens aid?

Madonna76 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:59:53

He doesn't have a key thank god!! I will talk to my midwife. I called the police on him numerous times in the past and he was charged with assault on me and that's on record. God knows why I took him back! I've tried CSA already but asheviscself employed, he's being fishy not paying tax so hmrc have no record of him so I can't get a penny sad(

Madonna76 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:01:40

He has made it clear he wants nothing to do with birth or baby so I doubt he will contact me near the birth x

Resilience16 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:03:32

Madonna, so sorry to hear you are going through this. This msn is physically and emotionally abusive. You do not need him in your life or the life of your kids. You are absolutely doing the right thing to cut him out of your life.
You and they deserve more. Speak to your midwife and Women's aid. There is help and advice out there.
Hug for you. Good luck. You deserve better x

Madonna76 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:14:14

Thank you for your message. I know it's abuse and I feel weak for accepting it. I've never stuck to no contact before but I just can't do this anymore. It's destroying me. I'm about to have a baby and it should be happy time. I'm determined to cut off all contact now. No more. X

Walkacrossthesand Sat 16-Jul-16 23:21:04

What usually happens that makes you break the 'no contact' - does he contact you, or do you wobble and contact him?

If you're determined to stay NC this time, it would be a good idea to think about how you're going to deal with the wobbles, or if he contacts you, or decides he does want to be involved with new baby when he realises you're not dancing to his tune anymore.

Have a plan, and you're more likely to succeed. flowers

Madonna76 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:54:06

I used to wobble after a few days and contact him! It's like I'm addicted. Sounds stupid I know. But it's different this time. I'm having a baby in 3 weeks and I'm not putting up with that. He's vile and he didn't care if I lost the baby sad x

OnTheRise Sun 17-Jul-16 07:42:40

None of this sounds stupid at all. Emotional abuse trains the abused person to think they need their abuser, they can't cope without them, they are nothing and are lucky their abuser is in their lives, and so on.

His leaving you is great news. Your understanding that you are better off without him is the best news. Now all you have to do is be strong, for your babies and yourself. Don't let him come back. Don't call, don't text, don't speak to him on Facebook, nothing.

Social Services aren't going to take your children away if you're on your own. They're going to applaud you for doing your best to protect your children.

Report your ex to the police for shoving you last week. Get advice on how to get the support you deserve. And if he's fiddling his books by not declaring his self-employed earnings, tell the CSA that too. He's abusing you, and he's cheating the Revenue. Don't support him by hiding these things.

I think you've been very brave in saying all you've said here. You're doing right by your children by getting rid of this unpleasant man. Onward and upward!

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