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Feel so unbelievably sad and lonely

(37 Posts)
Whenwillitbeme99 Sat 16-Jul-16 13:34:25

I apologise in advance for my depressing moan. I'm sitting in tears at the prospect of yet another weekend sitting in alone not seeing or speaking to a soul. Monday is a holiday in my work so an even longer lonely weekend than usual. Every single evening and weekend is the same, I message my friends trying to make plans only to get the inevitable "sorry busy with family" I'm early 30's, every single one of my friends is happily coupled up either married or about to be with kids or planned or already on the way, all with partners who adore them an fantastic jobs and big beautiful homes. And yes l realise that things aren't always what they seem but in my friends case they really are.

My last serious relationship ended nearly 2 years ago when l discovered he was cheating with pretty much every woman that crossed his path. I still harbour a lot of anger and sadness over this, anger that l let him steal the best years of my life when l should have been out looking for someone who wanted to be with me, sadness that l was never good enough for him. He claimed he didn't want a serious relationship yet within a matter of weeks was in a new relationship with a younger, slimmer woman who l believe he is still with now, blissfully happy no doubt.

I do date, use online dating as l never go anywhere where l could meet someone. But have yet to meet anyone l'm remotely interested in, went on a date last week and there was no spark, fine he was a nice chap and we had a pleasant conversation but there was an obvious unspoken feeling we weren't interested. As we went to leave he stood arms tightly folded looking at me in horror, clearly in case l attempted to kiss him which l has absolutely no intention of doing and had given no indication of being at all interested in him. The whole thing is depressing and l more often than not leave the dates feeling really depressed. some of my friends appear to actively avoid me now I'm single as l can't contribute to their happy wives conversations, l get the usual "oh it'll happen when you least expect it" chat now and again which makes me want to scream.

All l want is the happiness which seems to come so easily for others. I have no close family, my parents live abroad and my mum doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, she seems to only visit me to express her disappointment at my failed life and to grill me on why l don't have a social life sad

I have tried joining groups and making new friends, the first group I tried the women were nice enough but were churchgoers and didn't drink and were quite judgemental of those who did (I'm no alcoholic but like a glass of wine now and again) the second group seemed lovely but it was all just a ruse to get me to join their Arbonne cult, no thanks.

I have a job l enjoy although it isn't nearly as well paid as my friends but at the end of the day l am still coming home to an empty house. I have been ill the last week and it dawned on me that l could be lying here for weeks and nobody would even notice.

I'm sorry for my self indulgent sob story, don't expect anyone to read it really just want to get it off my chest l guess. I'm so bored with my sad lonely life, l just don't know what the point of my being here is really sad I think I've completely missed the boat for my chance of the life l wanted and I'm destined to a life of lonely weekends sad

Janefromdowntheroad Sat 16-Jul-16 13:38:39

Oh darling. I really feel your pain!

I'm in similar circumstances, same mother, same friends all coupled up etc. I want to be out at the weekends but it's like getting blood out of a stone as they all have family days planned or just want to stay in.

I know that feeling of your life passing you by and the utter loneliness that comes over you in the depths of the night.

I don't have any words of wisdom although this quote is one of my favourites.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 16-Jul-16 13:39:48

It sounds very sad for you OP I think drastic action is called for. Why don't you throw a barbecue and invite all your mates and their families round for a nice get together. Tell them all you are looking for a nice man and some single friends, so bring their unattached friends and siblings too.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sat 16-Jul-16 13:41:50

Have you looked into "meet up"?

purpleviolet1 Sat 16-Jul-16 13:52:26

Feel for you. Do you have any hobbies ? Could you join a club of some sort? I know what you mean about having friends in a different stage of life to you. I suggest you just try and find some friends who are also single.

bluecashmere Sat 16-Jul-16 14:01:32

Could you do some kind of volunteering that will get you out of the house and meeting new people? It could also boost your self esteem.

Halfwayoranges Sat 16-Jul-16 14:01:46

I feel the same OP. Just an hour ago I was crying over this at my dining table as I felt so alone. I hate it when people say go out and meet more people or, worst of all, join a club. I understand the point - if you stay in you won't meet anyone at all.... But that's never been my problem. I like meeting people and I do go to evening classes, socialise etc. It's the fact that, at the end of the day (literally), there's just me at home.

This post probably hasn't been very helpful, other than to say you're not alone in feeling this way. Also, although it's annoying when people say it will happen when you least expect it, it's true that this time next year you could be married and have much less time just for you. That seems like a small consolation but I think it's worth remembering.

Oh, and even though your friends appear happy and loved up, I'd bet good money on the fact it's not all it seems on the outside.

timelytess Sat 16-Jul-16 14:05:51

Find things to do.
Stop looking for 'friends' and certainly don't chase up those people who you have already contacted.

MonicaLewinskisFlange Sat 16-Jul-16 14:08:58

See if there is a book club in your area. It's a good way to meet people. Or volunteer on a weekend in a charity shop or a wildlife centre, or do an evening course in something useful. It might not be the route to Mr Right, but you'd be occupying yourself, meeting new people and contributing. Also, might be useful for friends and acquaintances to introduce you to eligible men. Not in a "I'm desperate" sort of way, but if they know you are single and dating, they might think of it.
Sorry I'm no expert on meeting the right person but thought these suggestions might help.

happyandsingle Sat 16-Jul-16 14:10:14

I totally get how you are feeling but you are still so young early 30s gives you plenty of time to improve your life.
old is a numbers game I've lost count of the awful dates I've had and yes you need a thick skin but the key is to not give up as being as proactive as possible is the only way you will ever meet someone.
it's hard when friends get into relationships as they tend to go of the radar. is there any way you could make a new circle of friends.

Janefromdowntheroad Sat 16-Jul-16 14:11:27

I know the volunteering stuff is well meaning but I don't think OP will meet many single people in their 30s in a charity shop!

user1468602338 Sat 16-Jul-16 14:12:03

Don't be sad I know exactly how you feel.
I'm nearly 30 myself and all my friends are coupled with kids and I'm single with no kids.
I could of actually wrote this post.
We have to believe that our mr right is round the corner tho,keep doing the online dating,I am too.
I've been messed around by a man who I love so most of my weekends I just sit and cry and think how nice it was when we were together etc.
I also live alone and it makes me really sad.
I feel alone too and it gets me down.

MonicaLewinskisFlange Sat 16-Jul-16 14:13:15

Better still, start a meet-up group yourself! What are you interested in? You could start a knitting group, wine group, scrabble, anything!! Find a hobby and start your own group. Also Green Gyms are fun if there is one in your area.
I'm thinking about you keeping busy and not dwelling on loneliness, and also expanding your female friend group.

user1468602338 Sat 16-Jul-16 14:14:11

I also have a patronising friend who comes out with "stop looking and he will come to you" even tho she went around like a mad woman looking for a bloke.

user1468602338 Sat 16-Jul-16 14:14:28

Where abouts are you from in the country?

MonicaLewinskisFlange Sat 16-Jul-16 14:16:29

Maybe stop looking for a man and just have fun with your life. Take some time off and travel a bit! My friend met her British OH on holiday in Mexico!

Thomasisintraining Sat 16-Jul-16 14:17:46

I think everyone has been in your situation at some stage whereby their friends have paired up and they feel out of it.

In my version I joined a hill walking group which was fantastic and also I would hop in my car and head off on trips alone at the weekends. I did a bit of surfing and would head to surf spots and I would head out alone to the pub after, invariably I had great experiences meeting new people. It was a great time in my life.

HanYOLO Sat 16-Jul-16 14:19:49

You are totally entitled to feel fed up, and have a self-indulgent moan. I remember being single in my early 30s and having an active social life during the week because of the work I did but having weekends stretching out ahead and feeling very lonely.

I would concentrate on new friendships tbh. Likeminded friends with shared interests. Some stuff is just more social than other things - yoga, martial arts, book groups, gardening groups, new version WI (depending where you are - possibly not in rural Derbyshire), choirs - all good. And yes, be more proactive with your existing friendships: in fairness some people with kids (like me) are knackered a lot of the time and juggling like hell - but that doesn't mean they don't want to spend time with other friends, invite for lunch/barbecue/camping weekends - and offer to babysit.

HanYOLO Sat 16-Jul-16 14:21:57

Volunteering also v v good idea.

Buddahbelly Sat 16-Jul-16 14:22:06

janefromdowntheroad Of course it could happen that way.

So say she volunteers somewhere at the weekend, makes a few new friends, gets invited to a party, meets someone there and they hit it off? Stranger things have happened.

Op it doesn't have to be a charity shop, it could be anything, google volunteers in your area (I've done dog walking for the dogs trust along with a few other things to get me out of the house and stop me going mad) I've met quite a few friends through doing this and I'm shy as anything. You sound a lot more confident in that you're already dating.

Is it the dating or friends to hang out with you'd like to focus more on? If you're friends don't have time for you then I'd be looking at widening my circle of people.

MrsMargoLeadbetter Sat 16-Jul-16 14:22:57

When I was single after X and before DH I threw myself into volunteering. Not to meet a potential DP but to fill my time and to have something to talk about on OLDs.

I volunteered for a kids camp and did 4 week long hols over a couple of years. I befriended a teenager with Aspergers. I volunteered in a trendy Oxfam shop nr Carnaby St.

It is depressing but the only person that is going to change your situ is you.

Try different things, book clubs, evening classes, meet ups, guided walks, sports etc.

Search eventbrite or meetup (as mentioned above) for events.

If married/parent friends cannot do weekends, can do they do evenings?

Are there ppl at work who are single/w/out kids too? Can you develop friendships too?

I met DH via OLD this was 13 yrs ago, so it was newer back then.

You have every right to feel fed up and I understand how you feel...but you need to channel your energy into finding ways to have fun/enjoy yourself and meet new ppl.

MrsMargoLeadbetter Sat 16-Jul-16 14:25:53

Should just clarify I didn't volunteer to be seen as some sort of amazing person. I just felt I wanted to be able to talk about something other than work as I didn't reallt have any hobbies.

Volunteering boosted my esteem. On the kids camp holiday I went down a zip wire which I thought I couldn't/wouldn't. It made me question some of my self-limiting beliefs.

lifesucks75 Sat 16-Jul-16 14:27:02

op, I feel the same. At the moment i'm trying hard to keep away from my ex who is vile to me...I think one of the reasons I keep having him back is i'm just so lonely. I've googled the normal advice, join a group etc but i'm so painfully shy I doubt I could face it. I don't seem to "fit in" with any kind of group if you know what I mean, i'm not "rough" but i'm not posh. I don't have much money, or a nice house. The friends I have, I don't see in real life, they are the same, coupled up now, married, moved away etc, and while they're very pleasant to me on fb, they have their own friends. I have made an effort lately (well I've tried) to be braver, and chat more to people, make the first move as such and all I seem to achieve is to look like a desperate fool.
People do not tend to naturally like me, nope, im not paranoid, I've heard it so many times "when I first met you I thought you'd be a bitch". I have what is now known as a resting bitch face. I look harsh and angry but i'm actually a nice person, i'll help anyone if I can (mostly I get it thrown back in my face) but, oh well, that just makes me the better person.
I'm waffling on now, I don't have any advice for you but i'm really sorry you're feeling this way, it's awful I know. There must be many of us feeling like this but how on earth to find someone in the same position without looking like a crazy lady I don't know!

bluecashmere Sat 16-Jul-16 14:47:04

janefromdowntheroad volunteering doesn't have to mean working in a charity shop. There are loads of different ways to volunteer and I also wasn't suggesting it as a way to meet a partner. It's to get out of the house and build a new network and build confidence, like buddha and margo said.

It's possible to be lonely in a relationship too, so the grass isn't always greener.

Whenwillitbeme99 Sat 16-Jul-16 15:00:11

Thank you to everyone who has replied, sounds morbid but even just knowing that there are people out there acknowledging my existence makes me feel a little better today. And for everyone else who is feeling the same, l am so sorry, it sucks sad

I have tried meet up and joining groups, have went along to a few but haven't really clicked with anyone or felt anyone there was on my wavelength. I would say it's harder to meet friends than prospective partners. I will keep persevering as l know l have no choice really, will maybe try and find a book club (anyone know how l do that?) l know I have to keep putting in an effort, but l guess this weekend I'm just tired after yet more rejections from my "friends" sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I would really like to meet a partner, l do want to get married and have kids, however l am very careful not to come across as desperate or clingy as l am neither of these things. I have accepted that the "right man" may just not come along and well l struggle to believe that anyone could like me enough to actually want to spend their life with me, l have made my peace with this though and accepted that it might just not happen.

I do a little volunteering already, mentoring younger people, I know people suggest it with the best of intentions and l am grateful for the suggestion but l already feel like l 'do my bit' and don't really think working for free will help me meet friends or partners, so sorry if that seems rude blush

Have also tried asking my friends if they know any single men, usually met with a blunt no, makes me wonder if they don't like me enough to try and match me up with anyone they know. Have also tried inviting them out at different times/with lots of notice but nothing, it was my birthday a few weeks ago and got "sorry l'm busy" from nearly everyone (apart from a few who said they might drop in) even after l explained l was a little apprehensive about spending it alone which is exactly what l ended up doing in the end sad

Sorry if l seems like I am dismissing everyone's suggestions, l am really trying, honest, I'm just fed up with all the effort l guess sad

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