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DC at Dads, first time alone. This bit gets easier doesn't it?

(24 Posts)
myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 11:14:36

Not regretting anything, I know my new home will be a happy one, already is, but have just taken the DC for the first time to spend day with their Dad, and to stay overnight. I am feeling really sad. I know they will have fun, I know I chose to leave, but I am never without them, especially my youngest. I know they'll both miss me tonight.

I feel sad and the house is empty.

I have arranged to see a friend later but thinking a cry in bed would be better. I guess it's good that I made the arrangements ahead.

I guess it just takes time for us all to get used to the new set up.

FlipFlopFlapFlup Sat 16-Jul-16 11:24:38

It does, I remember I used to cry at every drop off and thought it would never get easier. 7 months on and I love the break and bite his hand off if he wants any extra time! It enables me to be the old pre baby me again, none of my friends have kids so I can go out with them etc. wineflowerschocolate for you!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 16-Jul-16 11:40:22

It does get easier flowers

5 years down the line here and I remember bawling my eyes out the first night my DCs went to their dad's. It didn't help that he had them for 2 nights, which wasn't what I had expected (rarely happened since!)

After the first couple of times I made sure to arrange a night out with friends or a date.

Met my wonderful DP a few months later and now we try and coordinate nights off so that we get an evening to ourselves once a week. Bliss!

Honestly, you will come to appreciate these nights off - if my DP isn't free I get a takeaway, watch a movie, have a candlelit bath, anything to make me feel relaxed!

Congrats for getting out of a crappy situation, this is the start of a new happy life for you xxx

myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 12:34:54

Thanks for replies. I can imagine some time off without feeling guilty being nice.

Doesn't help that they were both sad this morning despite me being cheerful.

No chance for a mope and cry. I thought it was an evening meet up but friend is on train already. I'm frantically blow drying my hair whilst typing this.

Minime85 Sat 16-Jul-16 12:37:46

Yes it does get easier. So hard at the start. You are doing right thing in meeting a friend. Always try and have something to do. I still find it sad 3 yrs later but I do enjoy the time I have to myself too and always fill it with activities. Have a lovely day with your friend.

myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 19:26:45

Bother. Called to say goodnight. Youngest got upset.
Trying not to wish I could undo the whole thing. This is how it's going to be now. I feel awful. No goodnight kisses or cuddles.

TangledUpInGin Sat 16-Jul-16 19:29:54

It really does get easier flowers I'm 18 months in a really relish the time I have when my dc are with their dad. Keep your chin up wine

ConciousUncoupling Sat 16-Jul-16 19:38:31

It gets better. Would suggest you don't speak on contact unless they're away for a longer period of time like a holiday.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 16-Jul-16 19:41:27

You really must divert your thoughts...

DS went for his summer holiday with his DF yesterday.

Had a tiny cry, a little lie in, then got up and recycled a ton of stuff, hit the garden centre and chose myself some nice plants.

Cleaned the living room, did the ironing and now settling down to choose a Netflix treat.

I eat chicken nuggets on the sofa, and I enjo a long bath.

I have also started to catch up with friends.

Keep busy and make a list of things you can do without DC there, and also a list of things you could enjoy as an adult.

It will get easier. And Mumsnet is here. flowers

MrsBertBibby Sat 16-Jul-16 19:46:48

Don't do calling, especially at bed time. Be there if they want to call, but otherwise let him get on with it.

It really does get easier. They are looked after by their parent, it is fine.

Savagebeauty Sat 16-Jul-16 19:47:29

Mine have never spent a night at ex's...they are teens.
Wish they would grin

myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 20:56:56

I know I need to learn to enjoy the adult time. It's only a week since we left. I've kept busy today, it's been a long week making sure everyone is ok. I'm sure I'll get better at managing this.

And with respect "They are being looked after by their parent, it is fine" could be complete bollocks. You dont know that.

I didn't realise calling would be upsetting. I did text husband first to check if he thought it was ok. Is calling really a no when with other parent? I clearly got that wrong. I promised them I would.

The handful of occasions I haven't been home for bedtime we've always had a goodnight chat by phone. I thought it would seem more normal to them.

I guess I'll learn these things as I go along.

My biggest concern before leaving was not being there for the children all the time. This isn't just about my feelngs.

Sorry if snippy but I'm tired and headachey.

Good to hear it gets better. Thanks.

myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 20:58:15

So sorry "bollocks" was really rude.

Somerville Sat 16-Jul-16 21:04:44

I haven't been in this exact situation, but when my kids are away from me (they stay with extended family a lot, and sometimes away with sports teams) I do a daily phone call but NEVER at bedtime, as my youngest gets upset. First thing in the morning is best, so you know they've been okay overnight, and so if they miss you in the night they have that call to look forward to. Also gives you lots to talk about - day ahead.

Hope you have a great time out tonight.

myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 21:11:27

Thanks Somerville.
Have been out today. In bed now.
I know the eldest will be fine. It's the baby I feel bad about.
Will try mornings next time.

Somerville Sat 16-Jul-16 21:20:55

I didn't look at the times on your previous posts properly, sorry.

Hope you had a nice time earlier. And that next time you manage to get a night out. smile

How old is your baby?

Unless there are serious concerns about their father's parenting (??) they will be much better off in the long run from having this contact with him right through their formative years. So you're doing the right thing, even though it might not feel like it right now. Well done.

ladylambkin Sat 16-Jul-16 21:29:13

It will get easier...first one done.

myownperson Sat 16-Jul-16 21:31:30

Sorry he's not a baby, he's 2. A toddler. But a really cuddly glued to my side toddler.

Somerville Sat 16-Jul-16 21:48:53

Mine were all still babies at 2. I completely know what you mean. smile

myownperson Sun 17-Jul-16 09:31:00

Pottered around doing a little bit of housework. Back in bed with a cuppa. Got to admit this is sort of nice.

It's difficult to leave a relationship because you felt controlled and other unpleasant things. And then feel fine about your children.

But that is the reality. And he is very lovely most of the time.

I have concerns that would never meet official safeguarding cause for concern thresholds. Nor would I want to stop/restrict contact. But it does leave me with an issue that I will have to manage remotely. Not easy.

It's less about thinking anything bad might happen than it being a huge adjustment to know I'm not there. I feel very protective if my DC. I have had a strong role as protector and it's hard that I can't do that now.

I am trying to see it as different parenting styles.

I texted this morning and they slept well. I know without doubt they'll be having fun right now.

TinyDancer69 Sun 17-Jul-16 10:10:14

Hi OP glad you enjoyed some me-time. As others have said in time it'll become easier. I'm a year on and now enjoy, actually need, the down time I get when my DS is with his DF. My DS comes back to me today after two weeks with his DF. Ex-DP was vile to me but I know he'll have taken good care of DS and that my DS will have had a blast. That being said, I've really missed him (but got loads done!) and can't wait to have him in my arms again!

Good luck for your future. You made a very difficult and brave decision and that's the hardest part! 💐

myownperson Sun 17-Jul-16 11:13:37

Yikes 2 weeks! Hope he had a lovely time and you get a lovely cuddle when he comes back.
Thanks Tiny

Minime85 Mon 18-Jul-16 07:04:56

Hi op I'm glad to hear things went as well as they could. It will get easier. My dcs went for a week's holiday abroad with their dad and his new partner and kids on Friday. I did cry. I whittle for ages in the run up to it. Hate I am not seeing them. BUT I know he will take care of them. I have to embrace the time I have now to relax. It's important they have relationship with dad. I don't ring mine I let them ring me but they are older. In time yours will do that too. Well done on getting through it flowers

myownperson Mon 18-Jul-16 11:37:55

Thank you Minime. It's good to hear the consensus that it does get easier. Lesson learnt on calling.
If I'm honest an adult weekend for the first time in years was actually quite nice.
Hope you are enjoying your grown up week.

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