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When he's a good guy but you can no longer see what you get out of the relationship anymore...

(52 Posts)
BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 09:35:19

Dp and I have been together for 5 years, and have lived together for about three. I have a teenage dc from a previous marriage. I need to say right form the start that DP is a good man - he's affectionate, smart, treats me well, gets on well with ds.

But I am increasingly unsure about why we're together. I feel frustrated with our relationship dynamic a lot of the time and I'm no longer clear on what exactly is in it all for me. I was a single parent for several years before meeting Dp and therefore am pretty independent/capable, built up my own life and career and friendship groups... the positive of this is that I'm not scared of being alone, the negative is that I wonder whether actually I'm no good at being in a couple!

It gets triggered by silly things - eg last night Dp went out after work and came home around midnight, no problem there as I like to have some time just me and ds, eat what I want, watch what I want on tv! But when he got home he was absolutely shitfaced, didn't know where he was, couldn't talk to me etc. He got up and out of bed a few times, was knocking things over, shouting out in his sleep, rolling around in bed and (completely unintentionally!) bashing me with his arm etc. I just lay there awake most of the night listening to him snoring and muttering, thinking, wtf is this about? I've had a long week at work and this drunken arse is keeping me awake all night! If I was single I could sleep all night! So he'll lie in bed all morning and then sit around nursing his hangover all day, it'll be me that ends up doing all the stuff around the house that needs doing this weekend. I might as well be single, do all that stuff anyway and at least get a decent night's sleep into the bargain.

I pay all the rent and most of bills in our place - I earn a lot more than Dp so it's fair I pay more, but I could fairly easily afford to live here on my own with ds. And increasingly frequently I feel as if I might as well. And even though I am older than him, earn more, am way more organised and 'sorted' than he is etc, he talks to me in such a patronising way sometimes that it makes me want to scream.

Our sex life is meh - I fancy him and want to have sex with him more, but he is lazy in bed and has odd 'rules' about when we do it - eg we never ever have sex at bedtime, only ever on a weekend morning (although not this weekend!)

I do want to emphasise that he is a good guy. He loves me and he'd be devastated to break up, but I am just not sure what this relationship brings to my life anymore that I can't get from myself, friends, family or - tbh - casual, non-cohabiting dating! Or, is this what it's about? Am I just being overly critical and have unreasonable expectations? I don't know what to do about it.

BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 09:40:16

I never feel 'desired' by him, he is affectionate and loving but never makes me feel 'sexy' or 'womanly' (I don't know if that's quite what I mean but you get the gist). He might rub my feet in the evenings (which is great!) but he'd never let me know that he fancies me and wants to see me naked, iyswim? It gets me down sometimes.

Msqueen33 Sat 16-Jul-16 09:46:29

You've just written a huge pros and cons list here and my guess is in the back of your mind you're not very happy. There's always going to be compromises but it's when the bad outweighs the good. If you're not getting what you want/need out of the relationship it's probably time to leave. He might be lovely and wonderful but what's the point if you're not happy.

Justlikefire Sat 16-Jul-16 09:47:20

That is precisely why I am single.

God the thought of a sweaty hairy bloke scratching and snoring in my bed breathing alcohol fumes all night turns my stomach.

Then the weekend written off nursing hangovers, there's got to be more to life.

Maybe your relationship has just run its course. He doesn't seem like a very sexy man. You would be better off seeing someone casually who fancies you like crazy but goes home to his own bed afterwards smile.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sat 16-Jul-16 09:48:54

He sounds like a manchild onto a very cushy number being with you.
If I was as strong, capable and financially independant as you there is no way I would settle for a partner like yours. You sound awesomeflowers

ElspethFlashman Sat 16-Jul-16 09:52:01

It's a cliché but it's true: you're just not that into him.

You're getting very close to the "can't be arsed" stage. And that's fine!

You have pros as regards his personality but what you don't have is pros as to what you get out of it. Is he just someone to watch the telly with?

BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 09:53:11

The issue is that I don't know whether the bad outweighs the good, or if I am being unreasonable and princessy, iyswim? He is not perfect, but then nor am I - is this just how long-term relationships are?

I do feel a lot of the time as if being single would be a better option, though. I don't feel like I 'need' this relationship on any level. But... I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Plus ds really likes him and since ds's dad is a total lost cause I want him to have one decent bloke around as a role model, I suppose?

BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 09:55:55

Cheers tiger' I think I am pretty awesome grin I am also a royal PITA and quite hard to live with sometimes though. He puts up with quite a lot from me.

elspeth' your comment about someone to watch telly with is closer to the bone than I'd care to admit...

AnyFucker Sat 16-Jul-16 09:56:30

He sounds more like another teenage son than a sexual partner

Get shut. It sounds like you don't have much respect for him and I don't blame you.

There are shades of Cocklodger here, but without the cock.

Isetan Sat 16-Jul-16 09:59:35

I can totally see why you feel the way you do and I don't think it's an aversion to coupledom but rather, an aversion to being in a couple with this man. The crap sex life alone is reason enough to end it, you're not his mother and you aren't responsible for looking after him.

Rip the plaster off and call it a day, he just isn't what you want in a partner anymore.

BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 10:03:07

I just feel so guilty. He's not really doing anything 'wrong' - I know my independence and lack of 'need' for him upsets him and I feel terrible about that. I've been like that my whole life though, in many ways that's not about him specifically.

If he left he'd end up in a bedsit somewhere. I feel bad about that.

I think I probably was happier/more relaxed when I was single. But I chose to be in this relationship, it's not his fault sad

smilingeyes11 Sat 16-Jul-16 10:03:07

He sounds awful. A lazy, drunk cocklodger. Exactly why are you with him? Surely you deserve way better than this. Your description of him made me feel a bit ill tbh

AnyFucker Sat 16-Jul-16 10:05:28

Christ, you can't stay in a relationship with him because you feel sorry for him

He's a grown man, not a rescue dog

Isetan Sat 16-Jul-16 10:07:20

A cockless Cocklodger, yikes!

BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 10:07:57

Yeah I know, AF, I know...

Msqueen33 Sat 16-Jul-16 10:15:47

To me you sound done. You're not his mother and if he doesn't want to live in a bedsit it's his look out not yours.

angryangryyoungwoman Sat 16-Jul-16 10:19:18

Have you ever told him what you are unhappy with?

Joysmum Sat 16-Jul-16 10:19:45

You're talking about all of his downsides, have you ever actually spoken to him about them?

If you've tried and failed to explain his rules don't work for you and you need to establish joint rules, then it's time to call it a day if your relationship isn't good enough in its current form.

BelleOfStMark Sat 16-Jul-16 10:54:27

Yes, we've spoken about our issues many times. We had a huge blow-up about money a month or two ago, as his spending habits were getting out of control and I was unhappy with picking up the slack all the time. He made some changes but the flip side was that I ended up negotiating a pay rise at work so that I could cover things more comfortably. Which is good for me in the long run I suppose but doesn't do much for the equality in our relationship.

I guess we are in a toxic dynamic, where he feels like he can't do anything right and I nag him all the time and need to chill out a bit (which may well be true), whereas I feel our relationship is unequal, I can't rely on him, I do most of the work etc.

i do wonder if it's actually me that needs to change and just be happier with what I have.

Woodman2007 Sat 16-Jul-16 11:00:14

Have you tried telling him how you feel. I know from my own experience if we had both been open with each other before things got 'serious' then we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now. Sometimes things can be sorted if you talk with each other. They might not work out but then you know you tried.

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 16-Jul-16 11:06:57

sounds like he sees you in a motherly role (without realising it) hence he doesn't make you feel sexy as you say.

smilingeyes11 Sat 16-Jul-16 11:11:27

You shouldn't have to nag him. That is a horrid sexist word, is that what he says to you?

Stop all the self pitying maybe I should change and put up with his shit and start being your own friend and go and do what makes you happy. Staying with him is dragging you down and making you unhappy.

iremembericod Sat 16-Jul-16 11:15:34

Pmsl @ cocklodger without the cock

I'm similar OP and have come to terms with me probably never living with another man again. They are just too well, male.

I have a bf but we live apart even after 3 years. We desire each other massively and love each other dearly but if he's been in my house for more than 3 days straight, I'm itching for my bed to myself and just spaaaaaace. I'm a high extrovert so it's not an introverted trait, it's just once you've tasted freedom and independence things are different forever.

On a final note, the sex thing alone would do it for's kinda one of the only reasons to have man when you are completely independent. And I don't care how that sounds, it's definitely true for me. If my bf didn't want to rip my clothes off....literally what's the point?

madgingermunchkin Sat 16-Jul-16 11:18:56

* He made some changes but the flip side was that I ended up negotiating a pay rise at work so that I could cover things more comfortably. *

The actual fuck ????

NO. This is meant to be a partnership. He is not a errant child. If he can afford to spend money on other things, he can afford to contribute more to joint expenses. He doesn't pay rent/mortgage or the majority of the bills so what does he actually spend his money on?!

^where he feels like he can't do anything right and I nag him all the time and need to chill out a bit (which may well be true), whereas I feel our relationship is unequal, I can't rely on him, I do most of the work etc.

i do wonder if it's actually me that needs to change and just be happier with what I have.^

He contributes very little money to the situation, you rarely have sex, he's patronising to you, you don't feel like he's attracted to you, and you say you don't want to end it because you don't want to hurt him.

You're not being princessy or unreasonable. Get shot.

Justlikefire Sat 16-Jul-16 11:22:10

If he ends up in a bedsit well that's his responsibility isn't it? It sounds like you're with him out of a sense of duty and responsibility when he's a grown man.

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