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It's my birthday today, feel so alone

(21 Posts)
issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 09:08:09

I made the error of coming downstairs whilst DC and DH were wrapping presents and blowing up balloons. It's been a difficult week with DC and other things, I've had no chance to tidy so I wanted to clear up myself as we've family popping over later.

Got told I'm selfish, it's all about me, I could have stayed upstairs like I normally do and I'm being unreasonable. We ended up arguing in front of the DC and although DH was shouting he feels he wasn't. We are having relationship counselling and he's going to twist the advice we get to suit his agenda. Everyone sees this lovely, great fantastic man, it's me that sees the other and I'm getting the moody, silent treatment. There's no reasoning, I just feel so upset. Birthday isn't going well let's just say! He's taking the DC out without me now so I'm on my own.

I'm exhausted at the best of times but today I feel so empty and flat. Well, happy birthday to me, burst balloon!

Catzpyjamas Sat 16-Jul-16 09:10:48

Happy Birthday! I hope your day gets better 🎂

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 09:13:10

Thank you Catzpyjamas I hope it does, I'm thinking of running away from it all!

user1468602338 Sat 16-Jul-16 09:14:15

Happy birthday 🎂
Hope you manage some fun x

timeforabrewnow Sat 16-Jul-16 09:14:32

flowers Happy Birthday!

Ignore your silly prick of a 'd'h - how were you supposed to know he had stupidly not wrapped your presents until the last minute?

Tinklypoo Sat 16-Jul-16 09:16:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inastew Sat 16-Jul-16 09:19:20

Let's hope when hubby out house for a while the penny drops whose big day it is today.
You are not Uri Geller- you went downstairs with good intentions to tidy house up - outrageous response from husband. He will surely see his mistake soon and try make it up to you later today.
Eat some cake in meantime! :-)

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 09:34:51

Thanks everyone, my birthday is shit so far. My DH is one of those types who thinks he's right, I'm wrong. My youngest didn't want to go so he's gone out out without them. All chance to do something for me and escape have now gone as my youngest is clingy and needy.

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 09:36:45

I'd have love to eat cake but there isn't any inastew, your Uri G reference raised a smile on me thoughwink

thewideeyedpea Sat 16-Jul-16 12:53:37

Happy birthday, I hope your day is getting better. flowers

RedMapleLeaf Sat 16-Jul-16 13:11:06

I'm thinking of running away from it all!

I have a theory about this feeling, that when we have it we need to do it. So, take yourself out for an hour. You don't need to explain beyond you just need a bit of space. Don't tell anyone where you're going.
Your youngest will be safe with their dad, it'll do them both good.

And then book in the calendar some escape time when you'll take more than an hour (I can them RedMapleLeaf Days).

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 15:33:45

Thanks both, I've took myself out but I still don't feel any better. He's not apologised for his behaviour either

RedMapleLeaf Sat 16-Jul-16 16:13:45

What are you going to do?

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 16:20:04

I really don't know redmapleleaf, aren't birthdays a time when you make changes and bring in the new?

toadgirl Sat 16-Jul-16 16:26:21

Happy birthday issy flowers

I think it's weird to do birthday wrapping in a main area of the house where anyone (especially the birthday girl) could walk in!

Why on earth didn't DH go into another room and tell you he just needed 20 minutes or so to do something? You would know to stay away then because it was obviously something to do with a present.

Of course you'd be tidying the living room if you were expecting visitors. Surely your DH must know that by now?

Anyway, it's happened now, but I don't get why DH is making such a big deal about it and causing a row especially on your birthday and in front of the kids. How awful for you.

As the others say, take control of your day as best you can. Do something nice for you that no-one can spoil.

I hope the counselling you are attending will help resolve some of these issues for the future and that your next birthday is a better one.

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 16:44:11

I'm not doing Counselling again with him as he uses the points we discussed against me. He's just sat down and said he was doing all this for me but surely ignoring someone for the whole of the day and being in denial about his behaviour isn't for my benefit?? He has asked me where I want to go from here and as I'm really fed up and depressed with his actions, I've told him it maybe best if we separate. He's agreed that we can't go on like this. I can't deal with someone who dismisses my feelings all the time.

Birthday bluessad

toadgirl Sat 16-Jul-16 16:49:31

So sorry Issy sad

What did the counsellor say when your DH tries this twisting stuff? They've seen it all before, don't they have strategies for dealing with this? (I've never had counselling, so don't know). When you tell counsellor about today, I can't believe they will think it's acceptable you were shouted at then ignored all day simply because you walked into a room (to clean it for visitors coming) at the wrong time for your DH. You're not a mindreader!

No wonder you're frustrated. Seems he won't listen to you. Twists things during counselling sessions. Tells you he's doing things for your benefit, though his actions speak otherwise.

What a nightmare.

issywacky Sat 16-Jul-16 16:59:58

It was only our first one with this counsellor but we've had sessions with Relate years back so I know where this is heading.

I feel my head getting confused when we 'discuss', he denies things when I know he's said them. I'll explain to counsellor but although they've said they won't take sides I have a suspicion as I'm not very articulate they'll be in awe of him and his charisma and niceness.

toadgirl Sat 16-Jul-16 18:16:27

Sounds like gas lighting. Have you read about that?

If this is what your DH is doing, then he has no real interest in fixing things. He's just interested in controlling you. There is not much to work with, if that is indeed the case.

Have you thought about starting a new thread specifically about this issue? (Is My DH Gaslighting Me?) Something like that. It might help to get traffic from a lot of posters who all have examples of this behaviour and help you see your way through it.

It can drive you mad, doubt your own mind, your memory - you need a touchstone to check against.

Make sure you clear your history and don't let DH find your login here.

Resilience16 Sat 16-Jul-16 20:17:15

Sorry I say, but he sounds EA to me, flying off the handle, blaming you, twisting things, and giving the silent treatment, all red flags.
You should never attend joint counselling with someone who is abusive, for precisely the reasons you have said. If your partner acknowledges they have a problem then they could attend counselling on their own, but from what you have posted so far it seems like he prefers to blame you.
Has he always been like this or is he getting worse? It is hard work and totally soul destroying living with someone like this and walking on eggshells all the time. I know, bin there, dun that.
Shouting matches and tantrums in front of the kids are never good, no wonder your youngest is clingy. They will be picking up on the atmosphere, even if they aren't quite old enough to understand fully what is going on.
I really do sympathise with you Issy. I guess you have to decide whether this is as good as its gonna get, and if so is that good enough?
You deserve better x

Catzpyjamas Sat 16-Jul-16 23:05:34

Oh issy, I'm so sorry. That's a crap thing to happen on your birthday. flowers

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