Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What's normal?

(10 Posts)
YellowPineapple Fri 15-Jul-16 16:32:19

Both in 30's, married 10 years, together 16. 3 dc's.

What's normal for a husband/wife relationship at this stage? 3 dc's has taken its toll on ours. All very much loved and wanted but my goodness there are many tough days. They're aged 8, 5, 4.

Work, resentment over unequal division of household chores, all add to the stresses.

However after having had my 'head turned' recently by someone at work it's got me questioning everything. Nothing happened with this person but I feel we definitely clicked and I began to think if things were different... Is this normal?

He did message me outside of work but was friendly not flirty and I kept any replies friendly. He has no idea but I think I fell for him. We no longer work together but I think about him all the time. Its almost obsessive.

I thought the 'crush' would disappear when I left my job and no longer see him but it hasn't. Is this a symptom of a 10 year old marriage or do I need to question my feelings for my husband?

Haven't spoken to anyone in real life though my GP did give me anti depressants as she thought I was depressed.

Is this something that happens to others??

I've spent hours reading old threads on here and I'm now wiser about boundaries and will never let this happen again. I deliberately haven't contacted them in months and don't intend to ever again but it's eating away at me. Am I over-analysing?

I keep asking myself would I still be with dh if there were no dc's and the honest answer is maybe not... I don't know...

Vagabond Fri 15-Jul-16 16:53:17

You can ask all the questions you want.... the fact is, you have three kids.

The reality is that your best bet of a happy life (unless you are truly, desperately unhappy or abused) is to stay with your husband.

Don't you think the hard work of having three kids would impact any relationship? And if you think that the hard work is easier with a man who isn't the father of your children, you are dreaming. It's miles harder. Why: because that man isn't hard-wired to love your children. He'll scold them harder, punish them harder and he won't have the right to cuddle them at night to make it all better.

Don't do it. Be bored, be unsatisfied or whatever.... the alternative is doing it all by yourself. And that is hard. Very hard. You will not believe what you gave up if you leave. You will have to do everything alone and it's hard. And if you magically meet a new guy. he will never love your kids properly and he will eventually tell them off enough times to piss you off to wonder why you ever left in the first place.

My opinion only.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 15-Jul-16 17:19:53

Married 30 years, 2 grown sons.

Marriages ebb and flow. During the 'young family' years it's pretty natural that the business of raising a family takes precedence over 'couplehood'. At times it can make you feel closer to your partner as you watch and witness your children's growth and achievements, at times it can make you feel divided and resentful due to perceived (or real) inequities in family duties. What you're feeling as far as that goes is pretty normal. And (IMHO) your 'crush' on this coworker is a result of those feelings. That part I don't think is 'normal', per se. Most of us don't develop 'feelings' for someone else. I think most of us usually try to work things out with our spouse, either through discussing things or with counseling.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you're feeling regarding homelife/worklife? You really should. If he's at all receptive, then consider counseling. If he pooh-poohs the idea, go by yourself to decide if what you're resentful of is realistic and balanced, and to try to work out if you want to stay in the marriage.

Remember that one should never turn outside a marriage to solve a problem inside a marriage.

YellowPineapple Fri 15-Jul-16 21:10:00

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your wise words. I first spoke to DH almost 2 years ago about how unhappy I was, how I felt fed up doing everything household related by myself and that it couldn't continue. We needed to be a team. I needed him to help with DCs, help with cleaning, help out with whatever it was that needed doing. It didn't happen. This was before the teenage style crush blush.

We haven't had a great couple of years if I'm honest. I think I resented him so much I couldn't stand for him to be near me which led to reduced intimacy which made things worse and you can see it's a vicious circle. At Christmas I thought I'll give it a year but I'm fed up being miserable. It had got a bit better in the new year but things always seem to go back to how they were again.

I've recently spoken to him about these things again. It's so frustrating. Why do I need to point out that the dishes need to be done? Or homeworks need checked, or that a swimming bag needs packed.

I don't think he'll go for counselling. I'd go either together or on my own. I don't want to break my DCs home and will try anything to prevent that.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 15-Jul-16 22:46:55

From the other angle, I left my XH after a crush on a friend made me realise that I had been missing that feeling for a very long time. My X was emotionally distant and just not a great fit for me and I realised that this wasn't just "how men are" as my male friend was totally the opposite and just like me!

Nothing actually happened with the friend, even after I split with xh (well a cheeky snog one night, but nothing after that!) and it became obvious that it wasn't about him specifically, it was about me feeling that I was missing out on a happy life while I was with my grey and joyless ex.

I know it was a massive leap of faith, hoping I'd meet someone more attuned to me, but I have done, he's my absolute soulmate, my DCs love him, their dad is happy with someone more suited to him and we are all in a much better place than we were 5 years ago.

I did try counselling with XH, but his heart wasn't in it, I tried, I gave him 13 years of my life, but I knew it was time to call it a day and cut my losses. There was nothing major, just a string of depressing moments that made me realise that he didn't love me the way I needed him to.

iremembericod Fri 15-Jul-16 23:04:31

Vagabond - are you from the 1950s?

YellowPineapple Sun 17-Jul-16 10:01:12

Thanks for sharing your experience, Markruffalocrumble. You sound happy and I'm glad it worked out for you. smile

This has not been an issue before in 16 years, there has never been anyone else. I'm not sure if this is a wake up call or if I should take it with a pinch of salt. I didn't act upon it but I did fall for someone else, that can't be right surely? And it hasn't passed, it's been a long time, too long.

Lots of threads on here recently about crushes when married. hmm

RedMapleLeaf Sun 17-Jul-16 10:08:35

Wow, what a cynical, narrow, negative perspective you have of life vagabond!

UpYerGansey Sun 17-Jul-16 13:03:43

OP, take a look at the thread about when your marriage isn't "awful" but just deeply unsatisfying (can't do link! Apols!)

YellowPineapple Sun 17-Jul-16 13:48:04

I will, thank u!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now