At risk of losing my marriage

[ginlemontonic]

Hi all,

It's my first time posting in relationships. I am a regular but have nc. I'm quite sad to be posting in here.

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for almost 4 years and have a 2 year old son. Prior to our son coming along we had a very carefree life, but sensible all the same. We enjoyed holidays, evenings out and time together aswell as time on our own to enjoy our own hobbies.

Our son was planned and VERY much wanted. I have suffered from depression prior to and since he came along. Lately I have become obsessive over things and find myself trying to control who, what why and when. I have also begun to find myself becoming very agrumentative and also dominant in the parenting duo.

This has been bubbling along for some time but came to a head a few weeks back. My husband, like me, can be very stubborn over things but unlike me, keeps things to himself until he explodes. He told me that he feels since we got married, I have changed and become argumentative against him. That since our son came along I have become controlling and also will often undermine him when he does/says something to our son and that he feels he cannot parent him because I override him.

I do not mean to be this way. It got to a point approx 2 months ago where my husband cried (he never does this) and said he didn't know what to do anymore and basically said he was undecided whether to leave. I tried really hard in the interim but a few weeks later, it came to head again and he said once more that he feels like he did and that he doesnt know whether he can continue to be treated how I treat him.

I dont know I am doing it and whilst I try my best, I get angry when I feel he is telling me what to do. I can't think of the exact example but he had said something along the lines of on Saturday we'll do X, rather than on Sat, shall we do X which had annoyed me. I also find I snap back when his tone is off with me.

I don't know what to do. I'm at risk of losing my marriage. I really don't know what to do. I cannot change who I am but who I am is making me risk it all.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Are you being treated for your depression?

[Hassled]

Yes - is the depression under control?
You both seem to love and care about each other, so there's hope. How about talking to Relate for some marriage guidance counselling? You were together a long time before you became parents, and that's a huge adjustment - it will take time to settle back down, but you may well need some help.

[AgathaF]

I cannot change who I am but who I am is making me risk it all - that's true, but you can change how you interact with the people around you, namely your H.

You recognise that you have become obsessive over things. Have you spoken to your GP about this? There will be therapies that can help you, but you need to seek out the support for this.

You may need to try some couples relationship counselling too, but I'd suggest that you need to seek the relevant help for yourself before embarking on this.

[LivininaBox]

Having children is a massive strain on any relationship no matter how good it was before. Counselling or CBT might help you identify the negative patterns you are in and try to change them. Can you see your gp about the depression if you have not already and push for one of these treatments?

In the meantime maybe it would help if you and your DH could identify the pressure points. In my relationship for example it is going away on long car journeys or holidays that is the worst trigger for problems. We just find the packing, the driving, the disturbed sleep when away massively increases stress levels. If you can identify the triggers you can try to avoid them.

[ginlemontonic]

I am on medication for my depression - I was on citalopram and it felt not to be working anymore (I have been on them since 2009 give or take a year) so changed to sertraline. They too dont seem to be having much effect so perhaps it is an attitude thing rather than chemical. I attended an IAPT stress course but to be honest, as fab as the info was, it went in one ear and out of the other.

I was assessed for CBT but unfortunately, due to mindfog, I missed the assessment and now cannot get in touch with them to grovel and rebook.

I am downloading mindfullness and stress apps but nothing seems to help.

I'm just a miserable fuck.

[RandomMess]

As well as seeking help for your depression I would ring up several relationship therapists find someone you click with and go see them together.

It can really help your start communicate better. You may both have to hear some awful stuff from each other about how you are feeling but it's in a safer place and you can work together as to what is really going on when you argue and work towards changing it.

Good luck

[ginlemontonic]

Managed to finally get hold of IAPT and have a counselling/CBT assessment next week at 5pm.