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Newly married, having issues(26 Posts)
I need some advice please. First ever post so bear with me. I'm 31, been with DH for 4 years, just got married in April this year. I'm also 10+1 pregnant.
The issue is that we are not getting on. We've barely slept in same bed last two weeks. He is a wonderful, caring, super intelligent guy and I know he loves me dearly. However.....
We have arguments and they escalate. From my point of view, my gripe is that he needs spoon feeding and micro managing in every aspect of his life. I'm extremely organised, quick and efficient - the type that likes to just "get sh*t done". He instead prefers to drag things out, and discuss minutiae, to the point of winding me up. Sometimes I feel like his parent. I tell him he's like a 4 year old, and just to get on with XYZ. His response is that if I stopped treating him like a child then all would be fine.
We are also very similar in that we're both stubborn and like to have the last word. He complains that I raise my voice and don't let him have his say (first bit true when I'm annoyed, second bit not true imo). We have had fights which have sometimes escalated to scuffles. He is NOT violent but I have started to lash out when I'm very wound up.
In the background, I found out last October, that he has a gambling problem and has £25k of debt. To this day, I deep down still resent him for this and the fact that he hadn't told me in 3 years together (I found out myself). Also the fact that we were already planning our wedding and I didn't feel I had chance to process everything properly and decide if I wanted to take this issue on.
He goes to GA weekly, hasn't gambled since, and has paid back half the debt. Even though we are both high earners it has been difficult to juggle everything financially and I suppose I have lost a bit of respect for him which I'm struggling to get back. It also compounds the feeling of having to spoon feed/micromanage him.
In short we wind each other up and I don't know what to do, especially with baby coming. How do we learn to communicate better and how can I stop resenting him about the gambling issue?
Thanks in advance.
Sorry you are going through this . IMO you need help/counselling to stop yourself lashing out, as soon as possible. Young children are deeply affected by domestic violence.
Sounds like he's made significant advances in dealing with a gambling addiction but the fact he wasn't open about it has caused you some loss of trust.
However the rest of it reads, to me, that you want things done your way and if that doesn't happen you get angry, raise your voice and sometimes lash out. If it were the other way around chances are you'd be being told to LTB as violence is not OK no matter which gender is on the receiving end.
I agree that some kind of counselling is nehttps://youtu.be/vVV-hd-aHM0eded.
sorry somehow it seems I managed to drag a video link into the post????
That should have said -
I agree some kind of counselling is needed
Not read carefully but my first thought is don't sweat the small stuff. Don't engage if he wants you to discuss minutiae as a distracting tactic.
But at the physicality/ scuffles- what does that even mean!? It has to stop.
God you sound awful
Do you have any remorse at all for your behaviour? There's no excuse for violence.Its not you both wind each other up,its your OWN issues with self control or lack of it.
Why on earth high earner(presumably educated intelligent professional) would behave like this?
Why do you go in circles? Ok,you see he's disorganised so either organise things for him or stop trying to control him,let him deal with it.
YOU CANT CHANGE someone else.You can only change YOURSELF.
You lost respect for him being gambler ? At least he deals with his issues and paying debts off.
How do you deal with your issues? Why should he respect you?
So....what does "lash out" mean, exactly?
You lash out....does that mean you hit him? Slap him? Throw things at him? What?
Is it really the procrastinating/dithering/lack of decision making that is the root of all your arguments? Did it bother you before you married or before you discovered the gambling?
And he's dealing with the gambling - but is it that he wouldn't be dealing with it if you hadn't discovered it?
You've had a lot to deal with over the last year - gambling discovery, wedding, honeymoon baby etc. Maybe the stress is getting to you both.
But the scuffling would be a deal breaker for me. Are you taking your share of the responsibility for the arguments and violence?
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
People who dither are annoying. My DH is a ditherer and when I'm feeling tetchy (and pregnant, and tired) I get irritated.
But I never belittle him, I never hurt him - because I love him and we all have our faults, some of mine are that I'm occasionally pig headed and irritable, one of his is that he dithers.
If you were a man, we'd be jumping down your throat for physically assaulting your partner - you need to never, ever do that again. If it happens again, you need to leave.
* No one deserves to be assaulted
* No child deserves to witness assault
* Relationships shouldn't turn us into the ugliest version of ourselves
Thanks all for your responses so far. Some of which have been a (probably needed) slap in the face.
I FULLY accept that I'm not the easiest at times, largely since the gambling situation. The loss of so much money (some of which was mine) really hurt and made me feel constantly worried and distrustful of him, which was not great given we were due to be married. I suppose my need for control partly stems from still not fully trusting him and being worried that things could go wrong again.
I totally accept that I have a part to play in our issues, as I do find it harder to control my emotion than I ever used to. Hurting him is not right and I need to get a grip and learn to ignore the bits that irritate me. Easier said than done...
For the record, he would almost certainly NOT have dealt with his issues if I hadn't intervened and figured out a repayment plan for us. He's had debt since before we met. He also wouldn't be going to GA without me and his mother telling him it's essential. Nevertheless he has done well recovering, so I should be more grateful about that.
ye OP I get its crap and see now why you loose respect in regards to gambling
But you cant think about it forever. You found out about his issues before you got married isn't it? You had a choice either to help him and go through this together or leave.You decided to stay and there has to be time when you forget and forgive him for this?How about now? Leave it behind and start afresh .
You're still blaming him for your aggression.
You don't know what would have happened if you had left him because of the gambling. Maybe it would have shocked him into doing something. But you chose not just to stay, but to marry him and have a child with him. If you just did that because calling it off would have been hard work, that's your problem, not his. (And something he probably wouldn't thank you for; presumably he thinks you married for love?) You can't hold it against him that you chose to help him.
Equally, if you have married someone you find irritating and your only plan for solving this is to ignore your new spouse, that's not his fault. He's just being himself. He's not doing it to annoy you or make you slap him. Maybe you married the wrong person?
You sound really very bitter about the whole situation. It seems as if your DH has made attempts (and succeeded) to resolve the gambling issue, and although it's a very sad fact that it involved some of your joint finances, presumably when you agreed to help him you also agreed to not throw it back in his face whenever it suits. You shouldn't have married the man if you felt resentful toward the gambling issue - or at the very least, you could have postponed it until you no longer felt so angry about it. TBH, wasn't like you had a week before the wedding when you found out - you had practically 6 months but I imagine you went ahead with the wedding to "save face".
This won't resolve until you deal with your unresolved anger and resentment toward the gambling. Furthermore, you can't change somebody - if they are asking "I need help to change this thing" then that's different, but if they are happy in their own ways I strongly believe you should shit or get off the pot - i.e.; accept him, or leave him - either way, stop belittling him for being him. This is your issue - not his, as it sounds as if he just wants to get on with life whereas you'd prefer to hold him down in the past and make him eat humble pie.
It sounds as if you believe he should be so indebted to you with gratitude that he instantly changes his entire personality to whatever suits you. He may of not dealt with his debts had it not been for you - but you can't possibly be 100% sure. He may have admitted them sooner had he not felt "mothered" by you, fearful of disappointing you. I do know how you feel - my DP classically "denies" anything he could tell me that would hurt my feelings and we've come to blows about it in the past (not physically, mind) - I too feel a bit distrustful of him sometimes, but that is just him - he's a live wire, he's not malicious and he's complex. I'm the opposite and will speak up almost immediately if I have an issue. But I do accept him the way he is and I certainly do not belittle him or treat him like a child - even when he acts like one (often). I've supported him through our issues (many) and do not hold resentment nor ammunition for the pain he's caused in the past (a bit).
Take responsibility for the fact you married him, warts and all, rather than seeking to blame him for your reactions.
cant understand why you married him when you knew about the debt.....and then to get pregnant....!
I can say with utter confidence and complete honesty that I did not continue with the wedding to "save face". I married him because I love him and couldn't imagine life without him as my partner. Upon reflection, and after reading the responses here, I can truthfully say I still feel the same and I would marry him again. I didn't marry the wrong person. I just married someone who made some wrong decisions and by marrying him I agreed to stick by him.
What missybct and some others have said is absolutely right though and I can see the error of my ways - I have to accept him warts and all...And I will because on reflection his warts really do pale in comparison to the amazing parts of him.
Posting on here was the best thing I could have done today. Thanks for all your responses. It prompted DH and I to have a good honest chat and hug this evening and I actually feel a lot better now.
Just as a little addendum, I found the first year of marriage the hardest and, asking around, discovered this is very common. Things that never bothered you when you were just living together suddenly become important. Something as trivial as leaving towels on the floor becomes massive because you're thinking "I'm going to have wet towels on the floor now for the whole of the rest of my life!"
Some of your problems are not trivial at all. Violence is a wrecker. It has got to stop or your relationship is doomed. Might as well split up now. But acknowledging the first year being super difficult might help quite a lot.
If you love him and can't imagine life without him, why are you assaulting him? What goes through your mind? Why do you think it's OK to do that?
You say you feel a lot better now. How does your DH feel?
I wouldn't worry hugely about anything but I would definitely seek marriage counselling. It will be the best way to sort all your issues before you start the parenting journey. I became very aggressive when I was pregnant each time. We have sorted these issues and I have calmed down a lot so I put a lot down to hormones screwing with my brain (before pregnancy and afterwards).
He's addressing his issues and hopefully will keep control of his GA.
Meanwhile you haven't really addressed yours, so where does that leave you? Probably at the point that he'll get sick of you constantly bringing up the errors of his padt, and how you sorted it out with a payment plan etc.
Id say 'thanks love, but you aren't all that' and leave.
A hug isn't going to stop you hitting him.
So when are you going to get help for your aggression?
It sounds like you need help OP. I'm so pleased you've had a good talk last night. Hopefully the start of something new
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