Friend/fuck buddy/ OLD guy/ Single

[HollieCB]

I've name changed for this but I am a regular.

I've been single for nearly 6 years and have known my friend for 8 years. We were just friends for the first 5 years but then started being fuck buddies when he split from his partner (I wasn't the reason or anything).

We haven't been sleeping together for the whole time as he has since had a gf for a year. Anyway, he split with his gf a couple of months ago and we started sleeping with each other again. All is good, we both enjoy ourselves, we both openly say that each other is the best we've ever had and I know he means it. We're great friends and he's told me secrets that very few know.

At the same time I've been OLD and have found someone seemingly great. He comes over a bit strongly but is a true gentleman and I'd guess is more keen. The problem (which I never thought I'd have) is he's just too nice. I've never been after a bad boy, just we lack that spark and sexual fire if that makes sense. Maybe it's just because it's new and he's on his best behaviour, just I don't get that tummy fluttering and excited feeling that I get when seeing my friend.

My friend is dating and has said he thinks about me too much and when he's asked I've said I've been in dates with said guy he gets a bit jealous and we have a laugh about it.

My friend says he's not ready for a relationship and is enjoying being single which is fair enough, but I can't just shake these feelings. I've never admitted how I feel as I don't want to lose him as a friend. Another friend has said he just likes having his cake and eating it, which I guess is true and that he'll always see me as a easy shag, which was obviously hard to hear. They've said I should just stop being a fuck buddy with him and concentrate on OLD bloke or someone else.

Does that spark/sexual chemistry ever evolve though? I don't want to lose the OLD guy if things can turn great.

Argh!

[ProcrastinatingSquid2]

I think you like the fuck buddy too much for the arrangement to work as it does now. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship and I think you should take him at his word. I'd cut contact for a while, until you're over him anyway. The OLD guy: I'd give it another try. It might be that with the fuck buddy out of the way and not taking up your emotions you'll find you do like this new guy. If not, break it off and maybe look for someone new -if you want a relationship atm.

[CookieDoughKid]

What is it YOU want out of a relationship?

[Somerville]

Your friends are right. Stop FWB from eating his cake. Don't say it's because you like him too much, though. Say something like, you're looking for a long term relationship now, and all the time you have a fuckbuddy you won't throw yourself into OLD enough to really find someone who wants that too.
After a while, either your feelings will have changed and you'll be happy to go back to being friends, or he'll have missed you and you'll get together properly, or you'll realise you've moved on from him and it won't be an important friendship any more anyway.

See how you feel about OLD guy once you're not shagging your friend. But move on quickly if no spark, and go on a lot of dates.

[HollieCB]

I miss the little things, like eating together, going out, holding hands, kissing, having someone to talk to and be silly with etc.

I have a child and haven't trusted guys in years due to previous experiences. I guess that's why I'm a bit suspicious of the OLD guy.

I want that butterfly feeling in my stomach and my cheek muscles to ache from smiling too much. I'd like the security of just having someone who makes me feel wanted, accepts me and treats me well.

I think I do like my friend more, it just puzzles me that he gets jealous when mentioning OLD guy.

[VioletsAreViolet]

So the fuck buddy says he's not ready for a relationship - in which case, why is he dating, when he has the best sex ever with you? When he got into that one year relationship he clearly thought he was ready for one - the question is, why didn't he get into a relationship with you back then? I know it might not be easy to hear, but I think he definitely is having his cake and eating it.

As for the new guy, I wouldn't rule him out just yet, but if time progresses and that spark doesn't grow, don't force it - I know it's easier said than done, but why settle for anything less than someone who gives you security AND you fancy the pants off? When I finally met my DH, I thought back to all the years I wasted veering from one extreme to the other and I wanted to scream at myself!

[HollieCB]

Thanks Violets! Obviously it's hard to hear but it makes sense. I know he's using me for sex, but he's so good. I shouldn't have let myself get attached!

When I say dating, I think it's more just shagging around, I know. As I have a kid, I'm not available all the time, but he obviously just shagging.

He said my insecurities put him off before and I used to have bad anxiety and found it scary leaving the house, so it wouldn't have made for the best of relationships. He wanted to be out/about doing things and I wouldn't leave the house. It probably doesn't help that I'm more into him than he is me. It's the same with the OLD guy and it's always good when someone's chasing you, but not so good being the chaser.

I was previously in a relation ship for 5 years, but that should have ended sooner as I was just too scared to be on my own and I just don't want to make the same mistakes again.

[princessmi12]

Agree what PP said
Sorry if its harsh but
Your FWB guy is just not that into you.
He doesn't want relationship with YOU that's what you should read into what he says. Hes dating ,enjoying his single life but be prepared one day hell tell you he met someone he wants to be serious with.
And where will this live you?
Try to give it a go with an OLD guy.
My DP was not my type at all when I met him online.I thought Id give it a go.We went on a first date ,chatted and got alone really well but I didn't feel chemistry between us.I went on a second date with him,we kissed and something was waking up inside me gradually.. Fast forward few dates I was head over hills with him and sex was good too. So to answer your question Does that spark/sexual chemistry ever evolve though? yes,it does!

[HollieCB]

I know, I've been there before when he got with his now ex. I was left feeling devastated, but I guess I fell for his compliments and now that I'm more at ease and will go out thought it might be different.

He's obviously feeling jealous because if I make a go with the OLD guy then I won't be shagging him. He likes feeling wanted and I should just take a step back and leave him to it.

Will see how it goes with the online guy. We've had a couple of dates and he was perfect. That just makes me think, what's he hiding? When will it all slip? We have kissed and it was good but just not electrifying. I'm not used to being chased and it's a weird feeling.

[Somerville]

Being chased is the BEST feeling!

Hope you can relax and enjoy it.

But if you still don't then it's okay to conclude that this chaser just isn't the right one for you. Much fairer on him, too.

It'll be interesting to see if the spark flares up with online guy after ditching FWB. It's hard to find a kiss electrifying when you're comparing it to regular great sex with someone you've known for a long time and have feelings for.

[princessmi12]

Obviously everyone is on their best behaviour at first and trying hard.Looks like he's trying hard and its good thing.
I think you are too negative in thinking he's hiding something.Maybe you just got lucky finally and he IS a good guy and into YOU.
You do understand being the chaser is not sustainable for life?
And the whole thing with chaser/being chased is kind of fucked up to be honest,you should not view your relationships through this power struggle . He seems a good guy,he likes you and he shows it.Thats how it should be.

[HollieCB]

You're right. I do feel bad about doing it to OLD guy as I know how it feels. I've been totally honest with him about the situation and knows I have a fuck buddy. He's not fussed in the slightest and has said as long as it stops if we ever become official then he's fine with it. I guess with my past I'm always looking for something to go wrong, but maybe I have just been lucky.

I just can't behave perfectly for dates, I just find it too hard to sustain. Although he laughed after I accidentally farted so he's a good un.

[princessmi12]

Seems like you have self-esteem issues.
Seems you comfortable with being chaser and FWB because you don't think yourself you deserve better treatment. As if those situations are the only ones you know how to deal with.
You don't have to behave perfectly for dates. The whole trick is to find someone that accepts you for who you are just the way you are. Because you deserve it for being unique and special to that particular person, not because you need to be perfect .

[HollieCB]

Thanks everyone. I've sent a message to my friend explaining everything to my friend and blocked him as I can't just be friends. I've told the OLD guy and I'm just going to concentrate on myself.