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Someone tell me this is wrong

(54 Posts)
Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 00:34:03

I've been with my partner on and off for nearly 5 years. We have a 2 year old ds. He has a 7 year old Dd from a previous relationship.

The reason we were on and off was for various different reasons but mainly grief which he has now dealt with. He didn't treat me great but since we've tried again the last year has been great.

We don't live together just yet but he does spend some time here and alls been going well.

This is where it gets complicated. He didn't see his dd for 3 years because his ex made up a lot of lies and kept her from him. He spent all of his savings fighting through the courts with social services etc involved and now he sees her once every 2 weeks. I've only met her once as I am cautious that they have to build up a relationship however my ds, her grandparents, aunts etc have all met her.

I've been really paranoid the last few days so I did something I've never done and looked at his phone. There's nothing to suggest he's cheating etc but what I did find was that his ex thinks we're not together! She took issue with the fact that I met her once and told my DP that she doesn't want me meeting her again because I'm not a permeant fixture!

I really don't mind not meeting her right now properly, that's completely understandable but what's got me is his ex doesn't realise we're together and he hasn't corrected her! I know he's not said it coz he wants anything to do with her and is just afraid of jeopardising his time with his DS but surely he should be honest and tell her?

I'm so upset now and just feel like walking away. If he is painting me to be an ex then I just feel like making it a reality. I've put up with so much over the years and this has just tipped me over the edge. If I mention it to him he'll get defensive and nothing will work out, I'll get no apology or anything, possibly all I'll get it 'well I need to protect my relationship with my daughter', which is fine but why lie? I appreciate we've been on and off but I'm the mother of his child and have been with him pretty much 5 years. I just feel like his dirty little secret and think I deserve better than to be lied to and be lied about..

RealityCheque Fri 15-Jul-16 00:42:18

You are surprised that he puts his relationship with his child above what his ex thinks his relationship is with you? Wow.

He is under no obligation to tell his ex wife anything about his personal life and if it makes contact difficult then I don't blame him.

You're not even living together so I really think you need to get a grip and grow up.

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 00:45:45

Of course not! I have took a massive step back and have had nothing to do with his time with his daughter.

My point is we're supposed to be moving in together in a few months. How is he going to explain to his ex we've been together the whole time he's told her we're not?

I have completely no issue with him putting his relationship with his daughter in front of mine and if it was any other way I wouldn't be impressed, you've misunderstood my post.

My point is he's lied to the ex and told her I won't meet his Dd again as he's not with me and I'm upset that he's said that when we're meant to be building a relationship and eventual home together. We do also have a child together which doesn't make it any easier.

RealityCheque Fri 15-Jul-16 00:53:46

His relationship with his ex wife is HIS problem. Not yours.

How he explains it to her is HIS problem. Not yours.

She clearly isn't a reasonable and rational person from your own description in your OP so you cannot expect him to liaise with her as if she were. It would jeopordise his relationship with his daughter.

When you do movein together then you will be a "permanent fixture" as his ex says so he probably feels that it's easier to wait.

Speak to him by all means but don't take it so personally.

JackieAndHyde4eva Fri 15-Jul-16 00:58:11

Why do you care what he tells her? He is only saying what he needs to keep her happy so he can see his daughter. Its not like thats how he sees you. Hes just doing what he has to do. I wouldnt give it a second thought unless you actually do think he has plans to finish with you? You seem very quick to want to jump ship for that matter.

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 00:58:28

I appreciate what you're saying but she's not his ex wife. It was a brief relationship that resulted in his Dd.

I also appreciate your point and take it on board but I don't appreciate his lies to both me and her. He drives my car and tells her he has it because I owe him money - which I don't, it's just his way of covering his tracks. How is that right? I feel like his dirty little secret and I'm not sure I can deal with that.

MrsHardy1 Fri 15-Jul-16 01:13:31

You deal with it because he's doing what he has to do to see his daughter. It was a brief relationship and they don't get on, it's not like he's pretending to be single to get back with her.

At first you said he didn't correct her thinking you were an ex, then that he'd directly told her you were? Either way he has just got access to his daughter and isn't going to jeopardise it for an on/off relationship. I think that makes him a good father.

SandyY2K Fri 15-Jul-16 01:50:48

I don't think his Ex is that important to him TBH. If the important people in his life like parents and siblings know about you, then I'd leave it for now.

In a few months time you'll see her again and she should form a relationship with her little brother, so you will also have a R with her.

Focus more on how he treats you and what his actions show.

He had to lie about the car because he lied about you being together. One lie leads to another. She probably said oh you have enough money for a new/nice car then. Or if you're not with her why do you have her car.

Being the difficult person she is .... he'll say anything to keep her quiet and see his DD.

CharminglyGawky Fri 15-Jul-16 02:31:36

Has he actually lied though? You just say that she wrote that you are not a permanent fixture. That doesn't mean that he has told her that you aren't together, just that she thinks that the relationship won't last and therefore you aren't 'permanent'. That is bitchy of her of course but I can see why he wouldn't want to get into a fight and would let that slide.

Of course if he has lied, then maybe it was the only way he could guarantee that she wouldn't withhold contact. In which case I can't really blame him!

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 07:21:01

He lied. She said to him that the only time she let her see me was the first and last time (it was Dd birthday), and he said I'll make sure she doesn't see her again.

She sees her brother every couple of weeks when he takes them both out but I'm never involved which I have no problem with. I've been really understanding of the situation and have been there for him for the whole time he wasn't allowed to see his Dd. I was there when he was accused from being an drug addict/alcoholic/abuser etc etc when he doesn't even drink and has never taken drugs in his life. He was so depressed for a long time and I helped him through it all - it caused me no end of stress through my pregnancy which is why now we don't live together. We did live together but the last time we finished I got my own place as in my eyes we were done for good but lo and behold we found ourselves back together.

It hurts because I give him my car in order to facilitate his relationship with his Dd as he's no other way of getting her yet he told her that he has my car because I owe him money?!

Yes he's probably saying it to keep the peace but when does he plan on being honest? Is he just saying things to both of us to keep the peace? Does he have any plans to actually move back in with me and ds? It's just all so messed up and complicated

Gabilan Fri 15-Jul-16 07:45:00

Not sure why you're getting a hard time OP. This man has a poor relationship with the mothers of both his children - there's one common denominator there and it isn't the "difficult" ex. I'm always wary of stories about difficult exes. IME after a while you work out that the ex is a decent person, it's the boyfriend you have in common who's a wanker.

confusedandemployed Fri 15-Jul-16 07:50:13

I agree with Gabilan OP. I reckon you're perfectly entitled to feel as you do.

However I do get why he's doing it and I don't blame him. In your place I'd be thinking about a conversation about how he's going to explain away your sharing a house in the near future.

hesterton Fri 15-Jul-16 07:55:50

I think he's being a disingenuous dick myself.

So are you meant to go the whole way through life with this weird split family dynamic which is basically dishonest?

I would be pretty mad too.

TimeforaNNChange Fri 15-Jul-16 08:00:50

OP I understand that this is really hard - and know what you mean when you say you feel like a 'dirty little secret'; I used the same term when talking to my DH. He has a 'separate life' with his DS, that I'm not a part of.

But, in the circumstances you describe, you may have to accept that you cannot be part of your DPs life with his DD right now. It sounds like your DP has managed to maintain his relationship with his DD very well, and ensured your DC also spends time with her. Involving you may jeopardise that.

It doesn't actually matter whether his ex knows about you or not - as his DD gets older, he can work out how to explain to her about the woman he loves.

But forcing him to involve you, and put his relationship with his DD at risk, may cause resentment and drama that your family doesn't need right now.

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:05:00

But forcing him to involve you, and put his relationship with his DD at risk, may cause resentment and drama that your family doesn't need right now.:

I'm not forcing anything. I don't want to be involved and I've said in my posts above that I'm happy not to be and appreciate he needs to build up his relationship with his daughter. I have never ever suggested doing anything with them and to be honest I enjoy my few hours to myself at the weekend when he's out with her.

It's the lies to the ex. Why lie? It's not like I'm around her. What happens when we get our own place - more lies to her and me? Or will we even get our own place?! I feel like he's stringing me along and telling me what I want to hear but has no intention of us getting our own place or committing to me because he doesn't want to piss her off. What happens when he tells her the truth? Surely he's just prolonging the inevitable.

missybct Fri 15-Jul-16 08:05:57

I agree with the last few posters. Lying to his ex to facilitate his relationship with his daughter will may work in the short term, but definitely not going much forwards. Its dysfunctional for all concerned - most of all the children. What about when your 2 y/o can tell his bigger sister that you do exist (in a childlike way ofc) and unearth the lies your DP has been spinning? It's going to cause a shit sandwich and you'll be in the middle - again.

I empathise OP - my situation was nowhere near as dire but I was dragged into dysfunction and lack of boundaries with my current DP. Funnily enough once they (he and ex) came to blows and cleared the air they stopped dragging other people into it. The dysfunction you're experiencing will continue until clear, honest boundaries are established.

TimeforaNNChange Fri 15-Jul-16 08:17:08

I feel like he's stringing me along and telling me what I want to hear but has no intention of us getting our own place or committing to me because he doesn't want to piss her off.

Ah, that's a very different issue.

It never occurred to me that DH wasn't committed to me - despite his ex not knowing that we were living together or that we had got married.

If you doubt your DPs commitment, then that is a very different matter. Whether demanding he proves it by jeopardising his relationship with his daughter is the right way to resolve it, I'm not sure.

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:30:12

I'm not demanding anything though! I just don't understand why he's lied. We've been back together over a year, he started seeing his Dd again in January. I'm not expecting to be involved, that's not the issue. The issue is he's lying to his ex and me. She doesn't want me near her as I'm not a permanent fixture - what happens at family party's etc? I know he'll want his daughter there and rightly so but does that mean I can't be there as the ex has said I can't be around her?

I just don't think I can live like this. I can't stress enough that the issue isn't about me not being around his Dd as I completely appreciate he needs time to build their relationship back up again. It's about his lies to his ex at the expense of our relationship.

category12 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:36:32

He shouldn't be lying or making you out to be shiftless (the owing him money lie). It will indeed make things far far worse if he does intend to live with you soon. Which I can see why you're thinking maybe he's stringing you along. I don't know what you should do. I would be inclined to step away and let him get on with it - relationships shouldn't be this stressful and melodramatic and difficult. You split before for good reason. Maybe you shouldn't have got back together.

WannaBe Fri 15-Jul-16 08:44:01

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time here. It's one thing to not tell the ex he's in a relationship, it's quite another to actively lie about the involvement of the OP.

Plus do people really think that he should do whatever it takes, tell whatever lies he feels he has to because of threats of withholding contact from his DD? Really? It's the oldest lie in the book IME "oh, I have to do X/y or she'll stop me seeing the kids..."

OP this man is never going to put you first. Walk away now while you still have the chance.

LIZS Fri 15-Jul-16 08:45:26

I'm not clear what relationship , if any, you have with his immediate family. Are you included when he takes your Ds to see gps etc? Tbh it sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it. What was he up to when you were apart? Dd can't be expected to keep quiet if she sees you and her half brother, so it probably will come out. Does ex even know about your Ds?

TimeforaNNChange Fri 15-Jul-16 08:46:47

I just don't think I can live like this

And that's ok. But it's ok for him to do whatever he believes it takes to maintain a relationship with his DC, too.

Neither of you are wrong. right now, your needs and his are incompatible.

I accepted and trusted my DH to do what he thought was right. That included misleading his ex if he thought it was right to do so. I didn't necessarily agree with him. There are no 'family parties' that include his DCs. There is no overlap between his life with his DCs and his life with me. Its not ideal. Sometimes I feel as you do - but, I have been able to accept it. That doesnt mean that you have to; but he doesn't have to change for you either.

ChicRock Fri 15-Jul-16 08:46:56

The next time your "on and off" relationship is off, keep it off.

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:48:16

I have a relationship with his family and am around when he goes to their homes, unless he has his Dd with him.

My ds and his Dd to have a relationship which I love and encourage.

I am not allowed around his Dd because his ex thinks I'm not in a relationship with his dad, which I am and have been for a long long time. I don't plan on being around his Dd anytime soon but it's the lies. Why lie and when does it stop? Am I always going to be his secret?!

Dozer Fri 15-Jul-16 08:49:49

Setting aside the issue of what he's told or not told the mother of his DC1 it sounds like a really crappy relationship with someone who's often not been good to you (which you've repeatedly accepted and excused, eg your references to "grief" causing him to behave like a twat), that you're wishing will somehow get better. This is very unlikely.

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