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I'm starting to hate men

(477 Posts)
Mamaka Thu 14-Jul-16 20:55:26

I've noticed recently that I've become more and more anti men - I think since having my first child. So many factors that I could mention and probably many deep rooted issues contributing to this but the long and short of it is why do women have to suffer and sacrifice at every turn?!

I don't really want to feel like this. I have a son who I want to bring up/am bringing up to be a feminist but I'm worried about how my hateful feelings towards men are going to rub off on my dc.

I suppose I am asking if there is a way I can combat these feelings and start to feel more positively towards them.

Mamaka Thu 14-Jul-16 22:35:47

Just me?

hownottofuckup Thu 14-Jul-16 22:41:23

I did feel that way, knocked me for 6 when I found out I was having a DS. But I got over it when I had him.
I think it's quite unfair to clump all men into one group, but when you've had overwhelmingly negative experiences it's difficult not to.
I had counselling before DS was born which I think also helped me in terms of maintaining boundaries, I know find it much easier to walk away from harmful relationships with people of either sex.

RickOShay Thu 14-Jul-16 22:43:27

No I don't think is is just you, but your son will be a man one day. You can't hate all of any body. Perhaps try and sift through your feelings to see what is underneath. Hope you are ok.

CherryPicking Thu 14-Jul-16 22:47:20

Don't over think it. You don't hate men - you hate the way a lot of men behave. You have the culture men and women are expected to conform to because it damages us all. You're fighting it as best you can, trying to make better choices to give your son another way of thinking about things. You're not perfect, but you're trying. Give yourself a break.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore Thu 14-Jul-16 23:59:50

You bring your son up to be the sort of man you want to share the world with.

My son has some lovely attitudes. He challenges misogyny at school, he identifies as a feminist, has educated his peers about rape culture and victim blaming and challenges bigotry and prejudice in all forms. He's intelligent, funny, quirky, and we have very open and honest communication.

I have worked really hard with him to make sure that he will be a positive member of society generally, but also will make a kind, good and supportive partner to whoever he chooses to be with. You can do the same.

Mamaka Fri 15-Jul-16 07:36:33

Thank you all, cherrypicking I think you're right but unfortunately I don't have many positive experiences to fall back on. I seem to be surrounded by entitled idiots and women who go along with it.

pallasathena Fri 15-Jul-16 10:01:10

I hear you Mamaka. Its a revelation when you first notice the male entitlement culture and once you do, there's no going back. Its everywhere! And its hard to keep relationships going with family and friends who subscribe to its narrative.
I'm with you. I have very little time for men; generally finding them tedious, entitled, predictable and boorish with just a handful of exceptions which include my husband, son, one son in law and a next door neighbour. As for the rest, beyond tedious which is very interesting on one level, because the more bored and detached I am, the more these entitled twats want to impress. Shocking really. But amusing too.
Advise you practise silence when engaging with the breed. Each time they offer one of their 'joke' type sexist style observations, meet it with cool disdain and a thunderous silence.
Works a treat.

peggyundercrackers Fri 15-Jul-16 10:07:52

It's a bit much to tar every man with the same brush, they aren't all the same. Given your prejudice I would worry for your son. Can you get professional help for your feelings because they aren't rational.

BarbarianMum Fri 15-Jul-16 10:24:33

pallas how lucky for you that the only men you don't find "tedious, entitled, predictable and boorish" are the ones close to you. I wonder if other people have the same experience. wink

VestalVirgin Fri 15-Jul-16 10:59:33

It's a bit much to tar every man with the same brush, they aren't all the same. Given your prejudice I would worry for your son. Can you get professional help for your feelings because they aren't rational.

Quite the opposite. Hating men is entirely rational in a patriarchy. If they don't want to be tarred with that brush, they are welcome to abolish patriarchy.
Those who aren't part of the solution are part of the problem, and as a matter of fact, most choose to be part of the problem.

A little boy should grow up with a mother who is optimistic enough to believe that he can be a decent human being, but if his mother thinks that men in general are okay, then she isn't able to see through the patriarchal brainwashing, and will likely not be able to discourage male entitlement and other undesirable traits in her son.

pallasathena Fri 15-Jul-16 11:27:45

Hi barbarian mum, yes, I'm very lucky, they're lovely guys, ardent feminists too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Jul-16 11:35:47

Mamaka

I think counselling for your own self would be very helpful going forward.
Your lack of overall positive experiences to go on has indeed shaped the attitude you have now.

I would consider this re your own feelings on men now because they are not all bad just as not all women are kind caring and saintly either:-

What is your own relationship with your father like?. Was he emotionally absent or otherwise unavailable?. Did he leave you as a child? Did you subconsciously really choose a man just like him, are you trying to match men to his unrealistic ideals, still trying to seek dad's approval?.

You don't have to answer any of the above but those questions need serious consideration.

MephistophelesApprentice Fri 15-Jul-16 11:38:33

I was raised by a mother who thought like you.

One day, the scars might heal. Not the ones on my face, though.

myownperson Fri 15-Jul-16 11:51:13

I feel very much like you Mamaka.

I was cuddling and playing with my son's recently and was thinking how amazing they are and found myself thinking sadly how one day they would turn into men. I was shocked to realise that was how I felt about them.

And while there are some obvious reasons for my feelings what Vestal says really makes a lot of sense to me.

I absolutely will try and deal with my feelings towards my DC because I love them. And I agree it wouldn't be good for them to pick up on those feelings.

I have done nothing so far to raise them to be different, to be part of the "solution" but I have been thinking a lot about it. Despite all the shit in my marriage one of the straws to break the camel's back moments is when he referred to me as "nagging" in front of my son's and my eldest subsequently used the same word to me.

Kikibanana86 Fri 15-Jul-16 12:39:06

Peggy I'd say it's completely rational for op to feel this way. I feel the same.

Kikibanana86 Fri 15-Jul-16 12:41:38

And I second everything vestal said.

Mamaka Fri 15-Jul-16 16:25:43

Pallasathena - what you described is what some black communities call "woke" and it's funny because my dh is a black male and is "woke" to the oppression that black people endure yet can't seem to see that women also suffer in similar ways.

Vestal I like what you said.

ravenmum Fri 15-Jul-16 16:34:50

I was brought up by someone who wasn't keen on men, treated them rather badly for various reasons. I didn't find that very nice, but I guess that partly as a result, and from some bad experiences, I had some prejudices too. As my son grew up I felt so protective towards him that it changed my responses to men. Looking at rowdy young men in the street from behind, they had the same fluff on the napes of their necks as my son. It reminded me that they were just youngsters too. They were just trying to show off, like he felt he had to show off when playing football. And I came to realise that boys are subject to some negative prejudices too.

Vagabond Fri 15-Jul-16 16:40:39

The only thing I hate about men is that they are always telling you what to do. That really bugs me. For example: i want to hang up a tiny picture weighting 200grams. I can bang a teeny nail in the wall myself, thanks. No need for you to bring out the drill "and do in properly" and laugh at me for being stupid and being 'hopeless'.

RebelRogue Fri 15-Jul-16 16:57:42

Vestal all children should grow up with parents that expect them to grow up into decent human beings.

RebelRogue Fri 15-Jul-16 16:58:11

Vestal all children should grow up with parents that expect them to grow up into decent human beings.

pallasathena Fri 15-Jul-16 18:41:45

Hi Mamaka, I just want my male relatives to THINK. And they do bless them.

user1468602338 Fri 15-Jul-16 18:43:23

I understand what you mean.
I've never had a good experience with men.
Never been treated well.
I struggle with this myself

NickiFury Fri 15-Jul-16 19:02:53

Well a lot of them are, and behave like Shit Bags. It is true. BUT there some good ones out there I just don't happen to know any

You ask if there is a way to start feeling positively towards them, I don't know many that deserve it to be honest. I am not sure if I want to feel better about them, I prefer to just keep my guard up. I have been let down so many times that I just expect it now, it is easier that way but somehow it still stings a bit each time.

I am also very sure that they used to be nicer in general. I had loads of lovely boyfriends and male friends when I was growing up. I think society has changed and a lot of it has to do with the advent of so much access to free porn and I think it is having a far reaching effect on how men behave towards and think of women.

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