Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What just happened?

(36 Posts)
BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 18:40:19

Hi wise ones
I've just come out of a 16 month relationship (I instigated the break up about two weeks ago) because I was starting to feel completely unhappy & highly emotional whenever I was in the company of my partner.
From the beginning it was a weird one. I'm trying to understand his behaviour & my behaviour & am gonna try & condense. Think it'd really help me to move on to try & understand WHY it went so wrong. I still feel like I've thrown away something good coz everyone thought he was the bees knees!
Here's some of the 'highlights'...
One month in We went to the pub. We got drunk. I was SO into him & told him so (just 'you're really lovely' kinda stuff) & he totally freaked, told me he felt threatened & wouldn't talk to me after. Then behaved like nothing happened the next day.
Four months in He referred to me as his girlfriend in passing so we went away to a hotel & I instigated the 'are we girlfriend/boyfriend now chat' & he said no, the term gf/partner is too possessive & we shouldn't label each other.
Six months in I asked him where we were (I was totally loved up) & he said the sex was good & he liked my company.... I felt really fed up. & ended it as I felt it wasn't going anywhere. He then emailed/texted/begged me to get back with him/sent flowers said he 'thought he might fall in love with me' - i fell for it all & things didn't feel much different
One year in I told him I loved him. He went completely quiet & there was a ridiculous silence before he said ' me too' but I never really felt he did... It all felt so wrong after that -
A few more months plodded by...
Then I started to get really frustrated & angry as I felt it was always me laying my cards on the table & giving.... His sex drive was incredibly high throughout - I felt like he was just in it for the sex much of the time.
Towards the end, I just felt totally unattractive & used - he would often explain to me that a majority of the issues were my fault. He was very 'in touch with his feelings' & knew a lot about psychology.....
I just need to write all this down I think
There was quite a lot more to it but I'm starting to feel a bit confused about what happened & how to avoid all this in the future- we are both in our 30's with kids-is it that I can't remember how to 'do' relationships anymore? Was I totally uncool instigating these conversations?
Am I destined to never be in a relationship again? Yikes!

Zumbarunswim Thu 14-Jul-16 18:43:24

Have you read the abuser profiles or Lundy? (Picking up on him explaining that the majority of issues were your fault hmm )

Yoksha Thu 14-Jul-16 18:48:26

The fact that he would often explain to me that a majority of the issues were my fault

Seems like a red flag to me. Didn't want to read & run. In time you'll see you dodged a bullet. Take care.

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 18:49:50

Hi Zumba
Yes, read Lundy & thought he might be a 'Mr sensitive/Victim ' but wasn't sure if I was imagining things!!!
He often talked about stuff from his past for ages n ages, lots of analysing....

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 18:52:05

Hi yoksha
Thanks. Yes frequently saying things like 'if you weren't having counselling, to get to the bottom of your issues I'd have ended it by now'
Or 'I feel like I'm being attacked' whenever I challenged him on ANYTHING

Dozer Thu 14-Jul-16 18:54:15

He sounds abusive, or at best a twat. You're well rid and should reflect on why you didn't heed the early red flags of him being a twat that you describe!

Lookatyourwatchnow Thu 14-Jul-16 18:54:37

I think if after 16 months you still aren't able to have the 'what are we' conversation, that he was just not that into you. Sorry OP.

Dozer Thu 14-Jul-16 18:54:46

Hope you have cut contact completely.

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 18:55:03

I started counseling when we were together. It was to try & get to the bottom of some stuff from my past but it made me realise that the relationship was not a good one...

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 18:56:28

He sounds abusive, or at best a twat

Thanks Dozer. This just made me laugh - I think you're right

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 18:59:16

Looking back I think I should have walked away at the one month mark.... It was like he knew I wanted a big romance & to feel loved & secure & he just played with my head.... I fell for him really quickly & was desperate 4 him to feel the same I think. Bit lame on my part I know.

McBassyPants Thu 14-Jul-16 19:17:03

Basically, he was a dick. He was only in it for the sex, he really didn't care about you. You fell for it and thought he would change/believed his bullshit. You realised what he was/is and ended it.

I think only 16 months is quite impressive though hun, well done. Some women people get stuck in this type of 'relationship' for YEARS, some never get out of it or if they do they are an empty shell of what they once were

I8toys Thu 14-Jul-16 19:25:12

Think he needs to look at his own psychological issues tbh. He gives you attention to reel you in and then as soon as the hooks in he backs off. Repeat. He needs to understand why he treats people like that. This is not your fault. Stay away.

Dozer Thu 14-Jul-16 19:33:23

Yes, good for you for getting out. Don't have any contact with the loser.

FolderReformedScruncher Thu 14-Jul-16 19:47:19

It sounds to me like he added just enough to keep you hooked and that was where he stopped. Harsh though it sounds, I doubt he has ever had any sort of deep feelings for you as these types often don't. He has just kept you on a hook is all. As PPs have said, well done for seeing him for what he is this early and binning him off. He will go through his entire life like this I suspect or, if he feels anything for anyone in the future he will be incapable of being a truly good partner as he sounds superficial as hell OP.

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 19:47:32

McBassy that's exactly how I felt towards the end... An empty shell. It was so shit I even went to my GP in tears. Then he & I had a row & I said I didn't wanna see him for a few days & those few days were bliss! Totally felt like me again. That's how I knew it had to end....
I think he might be a sex addict- never met anyone who wanted to shag so much shock

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 19:51:51

Folder, yes I think you're right. He will prob continue this pattern.
He made out he'd been so lonely for years but then I slowly worked out he'd shagged most of his female friends (he had a few) - he's an attractive guy & he had a few friends who were exes & one in particular who he still saw lots who clearly had the hots for him- it was like they all were hanging on in there - think he quite liked that.

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 19:53:29

Thanks all so much for your replies. I'm stating to feel like less of a fuck up

stumblymonkey Thu 14-Jul-16 20:02:24

In summary: he's a dick, you're fine and have dodged a bullet. envystar

stumblymonkey Thu 14-Jul-16 20:02:47

^^Accidental green face

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 20:20:05

Thanks all. Your replies have really helped me to feel better. When I was still with hm & trying to 'make it all perfect' I saw the Lundy Mr sensitive profile & thought it was him to a tee, but questioned whether I was imagining it all. He always told me how he'd been accused of being abusive in the past & would talk for sometimes literally hours about how misunderstood he was. I wanted to help him/look after this misunderstood man.... And I think he saw that

AnotherPrickInTheWall Thu 14-Jul-16 21:08:41

He sounds really creepy and has major issues. I think you need to draw a line under this and stop trying to flog a dead horse. You can't change him; it is counterproductive to try to do so.
Sorry you are in this situation; I know it hurts like hell but it isn't going to change..

AnotherPrickInTheWall Thu 14-Jul-16 21:11:26

You will meet a decent man, you need to explore new avenues. I would not recommend OLD, rather join a group that caters for your interests and keep your options open.

SandyY2K Thu 14-Jul-16 21:19:12

I reckon you were right to end things with him. It sounds like he viewed you as a FWB more than a GF.

His blaming you for majority of the problems is a bad sign as well.

I'm sure you can do better than him despite what people who know him think.

BacktoZak Thu 14-Jul-16 21:20:43

Hi anotherprick
Line was drawn two weeks ago & I ain't going back - just trying to understand wtf happened
I changed. And questioned my own sanity confused

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now