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Semi separation - anyone tried this?(7 Posts)
Brief resume. Married 16 years, have had quite a few difficulties along the way and posted here over the years. Dh appears to be an arse, and have had lots of shouts of "leave the bastard", but I came to the conclusion a while ago that he has aspergers. Doesn;t make him less of an arse, but he can't always help it and does have some redeeming qualitites. I have stuck together to try and keep a stable home for the DC.
DS1 had a ruptured brain aneurysm 5 and half years ago, we went through hell. He made an amazing recovery, but the fall out is that he's a really really stroppy teenager, with big mood swings. He and I generally get on ok, tho we have our moments. Have learned to choose my battles carefully. DS1 and DH clash horrendously. Neither understands the other, despite my efforts to explain each others' problems. They row, shout, slam doors and it's very very stressful.
Then DS2 aged 9 was diagnosed with epilepsy back in May. Seizures are generally under control now with med, but he needs a lot of supervision and it's another stress. He had a couple of non-epileptic seziures recently, which are psychological/anxiety caused. Recently the paramedics were here dealing with him, and I had to apologise for the shouting and door slamming upstairs - DH.
I need to do something about the household. I have asked DH in the past to leave, he refuses point blank. I cannot force him out. I don't want the trauma of taking the DC away from their home. I am going to suggest something like this to him, as a final attempt. He lives elsewhere (nearby) for part of the week, here Fri-Mon. This will give him his own space to do what he wants (be an arse) without us annoying him/making demands on him - he will have peace and his stress level will drop. The stress level in the house without him will halve if not more, and the kids will be happier. Then he is here for the other days, (he works quite a bit on Saturdays) so he still has his family time. If I just ask him to leave, he will refuse. Again. I'd appreciate your thoughts about this as a compromise. Financially it will be horrific, as it will mean renting a 1 bed flat for a year, although there may be accommodation available where he works (he will refuse that option as will lose face.) But I am prepared to deal with the financial burden somehow, if it means some respite from this awful atmosphere, I have to put the kids and my health first.
I don't have any good advice but - hope you are okay xxx
Thank you. That's really kind. I'll survive, been through worse. Just feel knackered and worn out.
It's hard to say if it's going to work or not, but I guess it could if both of you put a good effort in it.
I am sorry you have to go through it and wish you the best.
I'm in a very similar situation to you OP.
I feel though that my DH has eroded our relationship with his behaviour for too many years, and we need to live apart to be happy, and for the kids to not be subjected to his mood swings, outbursts, etc every day. I'm thinking that what you are suggesting is separation during the week but happy family, husband/wife on weekends? Do you intend to sleep with him, have sex with him, cook for him, do his laundry etc on these weekends? Is this really a fulfilling relationship? I can see the attraction of relieving the stress, but you need to think long term about what you want your marriage to be. Some couples are together but just live apart. Many people do this before they move in together. If you still want to BE with your DH, then perhaps that is the solution? You remain married and in a relationship with each other but live apart. That is not semi separation.
If however you don't want to be with him anymore and you are just proposing this arrangement for the kids, or so you don't feel guilty, then it might be better to separate properly. He can still visit to see kids or take them out but you lead separate lives and are free to make new relationships.
For myself, I need to keep telling me to stop excusing his behaviour on the grounds of mental health, adhd, childhood trauma, ASD, personality disorder, or whatever he has that makes his brain wired differently, because ultimately as a grown adult he has to take responsibility for his actions, seek whatever medical or other help is out there, and do his very best to be the best human being, husband and father that he can. He isn't though. I hope yours can. Take him to his gp, get a referral for an assessment and take it from there. It may not mean you stay together or it may mean you do.
Looking from the outside
Does your DH behave badly when he is at work or in public, or just when he is at home ?
Perhaps DH needs a shed in the garden, an allotment or a garage that he can use as a man cave to disappear to when he is stressed or a hobby
If you have been together 16 years is there nothing that you can all do to make things better as a family ?
I can see why DH would refuse to go, it is his family and home too
Running two households is very expensive financially and emotionally
if you have asked him to leave and he won't then what makes you think he will agree to this. If you sell it to him that he will have space to have a temper then he is not going to agree to go. Personally I would be seeing a solicitor and getting him out properly once and for all. He sounds hell.
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