Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
how long do fights last with your other half?(18 Posts)
Just a straw poll really. I'm the kind of person who will have a heated discussion, see tempers flare, wind down pronto, and want to kiss and make up before bedtime. DP can't/won't wind down and can go days before he gets back to 'normal' and doesn't do 'kiss and make up' - he just has to get over it. I am struggling with this because without actually making an effort to apologise or talk things through rationally at the end, I find the same fights get re-hashed over and over.
Don't know if I'm being unreasonable to ask him to get off his high horse (I am a bit more sensitive when I speak to him, of course!) and reconnect. He seems to think so! Wondered what a standard 'cooling off' period is between most people? We do live together so it's not as if I can escape his broody sulk.
Hmm we are both like your dh! If we have a bad row it can go on for several days of being off with each other before we suddenly both say sorry and go back to normal (been together 7 years now). If dh tried to kiss and make up with me straight away it would make me even more angry ... I guess everyone is different!
We're both quite fiery, Dh can be a bit sulky to get his own way though and I've come to realise lately that I'm a people pleaser. So if we have a disagreement I'm always the first to say sorry or find something to talk about as I hate the silences. Have decided to stop that though as I was irritating myself!
So now we'll disagree, have our say and then I'll move on, he'll take a bit longer but not have a sulk like he used to. He's realised though that I have to talk things out otherwise I'll bring it up again which he'll perceive as nagging. Ten years together and only a couple of proper humdinger rows, that's not bad really!
good to know!! It's a nightmare mismatch tbh. Often by the time he's wound down, I've become so wound up by the protracted mardy period that I flare up again and get cross with him. He doesn't understand why - but to me, being subject to his mood feels worse than the actual fight itself. Bummer.
Any tips on riding it out with good grace?
My DH and I are a mix of both quick to forget and a few days to find perspective.
I guess the thing that holds us together is in trying to remember that no matter how bad the disagreement, we are good people who would never do anything to deliberately hurt the other and are only human in sometimes being thoughtless.
Try and totally ignore his moody spell so it doesn't gain him anything. Do stuff for yourself. Make him come after you. Don't always be the one going after him. He is getting some payback from the sulks so sing around the house not in a pointed annoying way but just be yourself. Its a habit but if it's having no affect on you it will end far sooner. Believe lve done this. I get over things quickly but dh years ago would sulk. I would be trying to get around him and apologise even if l had no reason. Now l act like nothing is happening. And believe it or not he comes apologising to me.
It's great training for when your dc are teenagers because being able to withstand a sulky moody spell is one of the biggest battles parenting teens.
I'm like your DH . I try really hard not to be though! It takes great effort on my part to 'kiss and make up' but I'm getting there.
I can count on one hand how many real "rows" we've had in the 5 years we've been together. (One of those doesn't even count as a real row because we were both idiotically drunk )
Rather than really fight/argue, we tend to get a bit snippy with each other, dish out silent treatment for an hour or so, go about our separate business around the house and then all will be fine again come dinner/bed time.
We can continue to disagree over a period of days if it's something really serious, but in terms of the getting angry at each other and maybe shouting or stuff like that we have never yet gone more than a handful of hours without saying sorry and talking calmly.
We had a full on issue recently where we had to make a big decision together and we had about four arguments / being arsey at each other on four different days / evenings. By the next morning we had apologised if tempers got flared etc.
Overall we are pretty peaceful and when one of us calms the other usually does as well. We are both quick to say sorry. Very rarely have we gone to bed on cross words.
I've had other relationships where it has gone on and on, sometimes constant nastiness for days and never really making up or resolving anything, no affection or mutual hugs and sorries etc. Horribly draining and i wouldn't go back to that sort of thing now.
I wouldn't cope with a sulker very well.
I'm fiery and shout but get over it quickly. Dh used to sulk for days to he done it too long I went to shop left him with the children and didn't come back for five hours he was ringing me panicking something happened I came back told him if he ever blanked me for days again I won't come back and he hasn't done it since he had no other choice but ring me
We don't fight often, to be honest. We had a couple of big ones when we were newly dating, but now we just bicker like an old married couple, and then love on each other like we're each others first love. It's weird, haha.
He used to be eager to make up quickly (and would apologise even when I was in the wrong, just so that I wouldn't continue to be mad at him), but I've matured a lot since then and I now brush things off and, more importantly, talk things through with him. Communication is key, as cliche as it sounds. When we talk things through openly and honestly, there's nothing left to get shitty about. We pretty quickly figured that we were arguing because one of us would do/say something, the other would then choose not to confront the perpetrator about said thing, and would instead let their anger fester for ages until it started seeping out as passive aggressive comments etc. This could go on for days.
Now we just bicker and laugh at each other a lot. He's my best friend, truly.
WTF do people do it? It's a form of abuse.
But my big question, is, why do people put up with it?
Like the PP, my ExH did this to me once.
I packed my stuff up and left pronto.
When we had a get together and chat about it I told him in no uncertain terms that we are adults. Yes adults and we have have a discussion without childish sulks and ignoring each other.
We talk about it and compromise to find a mutual outcome.
It really is not rocket science.
He never did it again.
I just don't get arguments.
I've never really had them with partners.
Not my ExH of 15 years and not my current partner.
They have their opinion and I have mine.
So what if we don't agree???
If it's something we need to discuss then we sit down like adults and discuss it.
I honestly don't understand arguments and angst and sulks.
Life is too feckin' short!
We are both very fiery people - but with the added complexity that DP is an incredibly 'outward' fighter (says mean things he doesn't mean and regrets them) and I'm a very 'inward' fighter (gets mad, but doesn't insult and ends up taking it out on myself later).
We're currently on the merry-go-round of an argument that occurred on Monday because a) I'm pregnant and need added support that I've never had to call upon from DP and b) he's tired because he's on call and needs his "man cave" - all fine, except DP didn't make it in any way shape or form obvious that he needed said man cave (he did the opposite) and when I needed him, he blew up. I didn't back off because I felt thoroughly put out (and confused) and here we are on the Thursday.
It's not normally like that at all tbh - any minor disagreement is resolved within the hour and any shouting match (which is never as serious as it sounds) is resolved within 3 hours. This one has been particularly bad but we've both apologised and he has been attentive (if flippant) in the days since as he could see just how much he upset me when, at 29 weeks, I shouldn't be getting that stressed
What are the rows about? Has the issue been resolved before he goes off on his sulk for days? It doesn't sound like it if you haven't been able to talk things through rationally yet.
Either he is still upset about something and doesn't want you to brush it under the carpet in the hurry to 'kiss and make up', or he knows he has done something wrong and doesn't like the idea of admitting it and apologising like a grown up, so sulks for a few days in the hope that you'll forget about it and just be happy that he's talking to you again.
Minutes here. I have a strop, he apologises even when he's not in the wrong, then I feel guilty and apologise profusely. Don't think it's ever lasted more than quarter of an hour.
It really depends on the subject of the argument and how he feels he needs to communicate in order to be heard.
If he isn't the same type of person who wants to have a heated discussion, get it off his chest and make up- maybe you could ask him how he would like to discuss things, so he doesn't feel like he needs to sulk for days. Maybe you could try dampening your heated words and he could get a bit more fiery maybe meet in th middle?
I like a bit of time and space to get over arguments, so historically I would tell DP to go home, but that really got his back up (remember bin-gate!)
These days I have learned to put my hand on his arm (chimp whispering 101) and say "I don't want to argue with you" and this disarms him.
He puts a lot more emphasis on apologies than I do (mainly because I will NEVER apologise ) and he really wants to get back to normal asap, so as long as neither of us is holding out for a "sorry" it can be over in an hour or so.
Previously I would brood for a day or so and he'd end up texting apologies and it would end up dragging on longer and escalating higher than necessary.
We've learned that it doesn't get us anywhere, just makes us both miserable for an extra day or two!
Generally an issue arises, I throw a strop, DH gets grumpy back, we have anywhere from 1 minute to a few hours of being irritated with each other before talking it over and fixing it.
We decided early on that we would try not to go to bed angry with each other, though this doesn't always work when the problem comes up after bedtime!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.