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ExP causing problems again, but I'm being blamed!

(90 Posts)
proseccowithastraw Wed 13-Jul-16 12:04:59


Long story short, my ex can be a dick. My dp HATES him and somehow we keep arguing about him. It's driving me insane!

Ex is still in love with me apparently, so obviously this is awkward (to say the least) and of course this upsets my dp. Ex is engaged to another woman now (as am I) and I suspect he doesn't treat her well. He gets a lot of female attention and I'm almost certain he acts on\goes looking for it. Nice. This makes me sad for his gf, but mainly for my dd, who will be hurt when things go to shit between her dad and his gf. That's another story.

Occasionally he will say inappropriate things to me, which at one point got out of hand, so I told my dp, hence-she hates him, but since then, I'm on edge ALL the time, in case he texts me something he shouldn't, or makes a remark about how I look at pick up, or drop off for instance. I promised to tell my dp if he does this and I have, even though the comments mean nothing to me and telling dp will only hurt her. She was adamant that I made this promise.

A couple of weeks a go, ex replied to my text and managed to twist a very mundane logistical text, into something dirty! He didn't say anything awful, but it was unnecessary and I was going to tell dp. Temporarily it had slipped my mind. Very busy week, dd being a nightmare etc and literally two days after the text was sent, dp and I had the night to ourselves and were having a nice time, when all of a sudden (after I've been out the room for a minute) dp looks really upset, so asked her what was wrong and she picked up my phone, tapped in my pin number (which she said she doesn't know and I don't know hers) and went to the inappropriate text ex had sent. She went mental. I had simply forgotten, but was going to tell her. I know I would have told her.

She has since apologised for looking at my phone and for over reacting, but I've been feeling really uneasy since.

I don't think I fucking deserve this tbh! I've told my ex to stop on several occasions. I've been honest with dp about all of it! For 48 hours after the text, my mind was on other things and I was punished for it. She was shouting and screaming at me. There were tears and she looked like she hated me. I understand her hating him, but I didn't deserve that and I don't deserve to feel so on edge all the time like this.

What else can I do?! The dust has settled and yes, she's apologised, but I'm still really upset. If I looked at her phone she'd go batshit! I asked her why she looked in the first place and she said she doesn't really know.

I don't want this to keep happening. Our relationship is good overall apart from this.

So do I just continually remind my ex not to ever be in the slightest bit inappropriate or suggestive?

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the angry rambling.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Jul-16 12:28:21

Your new DP sounds very controlling.
Look very carefully at this relationship.
Agree right now that you won't tell her everything.
You will tell her what YOU think she might need to know.
But it's won't be everything.
Change your pin code to your phone.

YOU can't do anything about another persons unreasonable response.
Except walk away maybe!?

proseccowithastraw Wed 13-Jul-16 12:48:56

hells, I did think it was unreasonable not to let me basically use my common sense and only tell her things which are necessary. For example, if my ex said, that top suits you with a slightly suggestive look, as has been done before, or says your tits look good in that top, I know which comment I think is necessary for her to know about!

She's really not controlling or jealous. This is massively out of character, but it's still something which has concerned me.

proseccowithastraw Wed 13-Jul-16 12:52:37

Oh and I didn't change my pin because I don't have anything to hide. Maybe that was wrong.

proseccowithastraw Wed 13-Jul-16 14:25:52

If I did change my pin, wouldn't that look suspicious? It's not there for dp, it's only in case it got stolen, but if I change it surely she'll just think ex is bombarding me with sex texts hmm


princessmi12 Wed 13-Jul-16 14:43:40

don't change your pin,it will look suspicious.
I don't think your DP is controlling,but definitely feels insecure about your ex advances. Be as open as possible with your DP about your conversations with ex, explain he means nothing and you have no feelings towards him. Try to communicate with him only in her presence for start? and when he does text something inappropriate,let her text him back from your phone.
Might seem crazy but could work and your ex will back off .

proseccowithastraw Wed 13-Jul-16 14:53:05

princess, I can completely understand why my dp would be angry, uncomfortable, insecure, but if she took a step back, maybe she could see that she is punishing me for something which isn't my fault and whereas she has a right to be pissed off with him, she shouldn't be outlining rules that I now have to adhere to.

I'm struggling to get past the fact she felt the "need" to look at my phone for reasons she can't explain.

foolonthehill Wed 13-Jul-16 15:02:00

Maybe write this down and give it to your DP?

Dear........ I can completely understand why you would be angry, uncomfortable and insecure, but if you take a step back, maybe you could see that you are punishing me for something which isn't my fault and whereas you have a right to be pissed off with him, you shouldn't be outlining rules that I now have to adhere to.

They are your own words from above, add something about how you feel about her (only love, soulmate, confidant, help meet or whatever), what you see as your future (I want to continue to build our life together or whatever) but you need to deal with your feelings without blaming me for someone else's actions. I cannot control him. I chose/choose you not him. Love prosecco

In black and white she might see how unreasonable she is being

princessmi12 Wed 13-Jul-16 15:14:23

she felt you are hiding something from her,and therefore something is going on.
I know its unreasonable of her, but only way to kill people insecurities is being completely open.Limit contact with ex to absolute minimum,and let her reply to his inappropriate texts
Otherwise don't know what to suggest.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 13-Jul-16 15:19:44

She needs to show a united front with you against his boundary crossing, this isn't your fault but she's is punishing you for his behaviour.

You have enough going on trying to duck and control his effect on you, without worrying about her insecurities. I'de be seriously telling her it's adding to your stress levels, and it's actually nothing to do with her and looks like she doesn't trust you.

If she can't handle it she needs to go get help and maybe step out of the relationship while she does this.

MrsCampbellBlack Wed 13-Jul-16 15:23:08

Totally agree with hells. I'd change my pin and be extremely pissed off if she tried to look at my private messages.

Your ex is clearly a twat but sounds like you are handling it by just disengaging from him as much as possible.

ArmfulOfRoses Wed 13-Jul-16 15:25:33

No comments are necessary for her to know about unless you feel like talking about them, and why would you when she reacts the way she does?

princessmi12 Wed 13-Jul-16 15:27:16

Can't help but think,if it was other way round and with male DP,(OP would be the one seeing inappropriate messages) half of posters here would be advising to snoop and look for proof of something going on between OP and ex
Double standards!

OSETmum Wed 13-Jul-16 15:29:49

I really think it's the DP that's the issue rather than the ex in this particular situation.

ChicRock Wed 13-Jul-16 15:33:26

It's not clear, have you told your ex to fuck right off with the inappropriate texts and comments?

Because if she saw a response from you to him saying "that text is really inappropriate, from now on I only wish to hear from you with regards to the DC and if you send any more of these types of sexually inappropriate texts I'll show your gf/report you for harassment" then I can't understand her hitting the roof with you.

MrsCampbellBlack Wed 13-Jul-16 15:35:48

Hardly double standards. The new partner sounds massively insecure and is placing OP in a horrid position.

I would totally say the same if the sexes were reversed.

ChicRock Wed 13-Jul-16 15:39:20

I think there is a bit of double standards actually. There was a similar thread a couple of months back and the OP (who would be the partner in this case) was told that her DP was probably enjoying the attention, would have put a stop to it by now if he really wanted to, the ex wasn't "texting into a void" and must have been getting a response or encouragement from him.

WannaBe Wed 13-Jul-16 15:39:34

She is controlling. And she doesn't trust you.

If your relationship is fine and you have no feelings for your ex, then she has no reason to feel insecure over messages he sends you does she? regardless of what they say.

Your ex sounds like an arse but I would just ignore him. But I would get rid of her. Sorry. If this was a man you were in a relationship with you would be told in no uncertain terms that the red flags were a-waving and to ltb.

WannaBe Wed 13-Jul-16 15:45:29

If my ex were sending me inappropriate messages I would just ignore them. IMO ignoring is a far better tool than a response, even an angry response.

BlueLeopard Wed 13-Jul-16 15:55:59

Look, he's clearly a shit stirrer and by her reacting and giving you grief over it, it gives him a power over your relationship that he shouldn't have.

She's playing right into his hands every time she goes batshit over something he says or does. A far better strategy for both of you is to ignore and laugh at his attempts to seduce or flirt with you together. She needs to trust you, and right now, she's blaming you for something you have no control over but that can and will, cause cracks in your relationship.

SandyY2K Wed 13-Jul-16 17:35:14

She sounds controlling and possessive. . You're able to deal with it so why does she need to know about everything inappropriate he sends. She's also insecure and I think she fears you could go back to him.

The screaming and raging aren't good signs at all and if your DP was male, here on MN it would be called abusive. I think it's definitely a sign of jealousy and control.

I'd hate to see her reaction if you actually did anything wrong.

Shelby2010 Wed 13-Jul-16 20:46:40

Does your ex really want to get back with you? Sounds like he just likes the chase & wants what he can't have.

Have you tried turning his comments back to your DP? So he says 'your tits look good in that top', you reply 'yes, that's why DP likes me to wear it.' He texts something suggestive, you reply 'No interested. I'm on a promise with DP tonight.' or 'The only thing I'm thinking about is my beautiful DP.'

It should put him off quite quickly, and if your DP does look at your phone again it's pretty clear that you are not encouraging him at all.

Jengnr Wed 13-Jul-16 21:36:38

I'm sorry but I think you've swapped one dickhead for another. Her behaviour it atrocious.

You shouldn't have to be reporting any conversations you have, if your ex is suggestive to you it's nothing to do with her, you can't control it.

She is going through your phone, making you second guess yourself (should I change my pin, will that look suss? Etc) and are being given the suggestion up there ^ that you forego your right to privacy to pander to her demands. No. No. No.

Whatever her problem is she needs to wind her neck inand get over it. You and your ex have kids so, no matter how much of a bellend he is, he isn't going away. Ever. So she needs to sort herself out and learn to trust you. If she can't/won't you really need to leave her because it won't get better.

Sorry sad

Cocoabutton Wed 13-Jul-16 21:42:50

Have you posted before as this sounds familiar? Your DP was controlling then and is controlling now.

SandyY2K Wed 13-Jul-16 22:31:17

she picked up my phone, tapped in my pin number (which she said she doesn't know

But clearly she did know it. So was she looking when you typed it in before or did she guess it.

She went mental.

I've been feeling really uneasy since.

I don't think I fucking deserve this tbh

You certainly don't.

She was shouting and screaming at me. There were tears and she looked like she hated me.

That's very worrying.

I don't deserve to feel so on edge all the time like this.

You definitely don't and you shouldn't feel on edge in your home with your DP. She's shown you what she's capable of.

If I looked at her phone she'd go batshit!

Exactly. Yet she had no issue doing it to you..... then going totally crazy.

I asked her why she looked in the first place and she said she doesn't really know.

Yes, she does know. She was snooping and she's jealous, insecure and has a side to her that would deeply worry me.

So do I just continually remind my ex not to ever be in the slightest bit inappropriate or suggestive?

No. Just don't respond to him.
The problem here is your current DP.

Women can be every bit as abusive as men, make no mistake about it and their jealousy is also exceedingly emotive.

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