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Husband using my past mistake to justify his deception and use of weed

(15 Posts)
kdtinkerbell27 Wed 13-Jul-16 06:04:08

I need some advice & opinions please.
Please don't judge me for what Im about to write.
I suffer from depression & anxiety, have done for years and unfortunately I smoked throughout both pregnancies (cut down a lot) with the midwives knowledge. At the time my husband was supportive and understood.
Over the years he has smoked weed on & off which I hate and it has always caused rows but he had agreed he wouldn't do it unless staying away at friends, which is rare anyway. Yesterday I found some in his car. The previous day I had used his car for work which is a law enforcement role. If my car had of been searched which is a possibility I would have lost my job & career. The main issue for me is the deception. When talking about this with him he said that I didn't have a leg to stand on as "I didn't care that I could have killed the children or if they lived or died" due to smoking when pregnant. I'm really upset as he has used this to try & justify the weed not giving any thought to my feelings. He knows the huge amount of guilt I have about it and yet chose to purposely upset me just to try and prove a point. I don't know how to handle this.

Bloopbleep Wed 13-Jul-16 06:42:16

I'm all for the legalisation of cannabis but until that happens it's still an illegal substance and he put you in a potentially difficult situation with work. He's being an arse by bringing up your addiction to smoking as that is, while unwise in pregnancy, not illegal - but it's his decision to smoke it & if he's stuck to your rules of doing it away from home then he's not really doing anything wrong (illegal yes). I'd be more worried about him driving while stoned.

Spandexpanties Wed 13-Jul-16 06:50:14

So it's ok for him to put your job/livelihood at risk because you struggled with an addiction when pregnant? If you were trying your best to do the right thing while pregnant (by smoking less), why can't he try his best to do the right thing

Summerlovinf Wed 13-Jul-16 08:16:53

His argument doesn't stack up at drugs allowed in your car...end of

category12 Wed 13-Jul-16 08:35:33

He's using something you feel massively guilty about to avoid taking responsibility for putting your career at risk.

Call him out on being a manipulative swine.

It's a deflection technique and gets you on the backfoot. Don't fall for it. Explicitly state what he is doing to him - ie "you are bringing up a hot button issue for me in an effort to shame me into shutting up about your unrelated fault. You should not put me and our family at risk of losing my livelihood by your behaviour."

kdtinkerbell27 Wed 13-Jul-16 08:59:17

He feels they are the same and are comparable because I think weed is wrong and he thinks the smoking was wrong and in his words 'at least he didn't put the children's lives at risk' & apparently I didn't care if the children lived or died. I've tried talking to him about how his comments have made me feel but he just keeps shifting it back to comparing the two. I feel like we aren't getting anywhere & I really want to resolve it - somehow.
Thank you for your posts, it's really helpful having other opinions.

IJustLostTheGame Wed 13-Jul-16 09:03:07

It doesn't really matter if weed is wrong, it's illegal and it's presence would lose you your job.

KittyLaRoux Wed 13-Jul-16 09:04:48

Cigs dont change your state of mind weed does. You have no excuse for smoking during pregnancy however that is in the past and you were under medical care at the time. The two situations are different.

He is putting drugs first and blaming you. Driving under the influence of drugs is illegal just like drink driving. He is scum. I would LTB to be honest.

OhTheRoses Wed 13-Jul-16 09:08:08

How are your children? Fit? Well? My mum cut down to 10 a day with me and I'm 56 and as right as ninepence.

Tobacco = legal. Cannabis = illegal.
I would not have illegal substances in my home and if any boyfriend (m 25 years) had indulged it would have been a deal breaker.

Isetan Wed 13-Jul-16 10:56:19

Although he's being an arse using it to excuse his behaviour, he has a point. Apart from legality, what made/ makes your addiction different? Your addiction could have impacted your childrens health and your guilt about it, doesn't diminish the risk you took.

You knowingly started a relationship, had children and taken a job within law enforcement, with someone who smokes weed. This is who he is, he hasn't changed, your expectations of him have. The endless rows and the conditions placed on his weed usage hasn't changed him or his behaviour, Isn't it time you accepted him for who he is and if you can't, end the relationship.

Summerlovinf Wed 13-Jul-16 11:45:35

He doesn't have a point...he's using something from the past that he knows you feel bad about to detract from the fact that he's done something unacceptable.

BlackVelvet1 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:57:22

He is addicted and trying to find an excuse (consciously or not) to justify it.
It has nothing to do with what you did. Firstly, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Secondly, I think It's false to say that you put your children lives at risk.

smilingeyes11 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:04:54

he cannot compare his use of weed with you smoking. That is vile. I do hope you get rid of this manipulative excuse of a man. To use this against you is just foul. He smokes because he wants to. To try and justify that by blaming you is horrid. Please get rid. You deserve so much better.

The difference apart from the legalities is you wanted and tried to give up - he doesn't and won't.
Tbf I have heard some midwives say the stress of giving up entirely is worse for you than massively cutting down during pregnancy. You did cut down and that is a good thing. Cigarettes is such an awful addiction and so difficult to kick.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 13-Jul-16 12:24:11

Imho, the relationship has run it's course. Sorry. His weed habit is more important to him than any respect he might have ever had for you. Lose him before you lose him and your job. Your relationship with him is not compatible with your job.

Smoking while pregnant was a mistake. Even with your circumstance of addiction and efforts to minimize your usage , I suspect that if he saw you smoke just one cigarette, he would have used that as an emotional stick to beat you with -always. It will always be there because you can't erase it. This shows what kind of person he is and yes, swine sums it up perfectly.

Enough is enough. You have been patient, you have put up with it- but he has crossed the line in putting your job at risk.

quencher Wed 13-Jul-16 12:32:28

Him leaving illegal substances in your car with the potential of you losing your job if found, that would impact on your children's lives too.

If you found it in the car, does it mean he drove while high? If he did, not only is that illegal but if something had happened to him that would impact on his children to. He could have been in a car accident and died or killed someone else because they are under the influence.

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