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Self Esteem/Depression/My Life is fucked

(16 Posts)
OhWellll Wed 13-Jul-16 00:15:51

Not sure relationships is the right place for this - it's more my relationship with myself.

I recently came out of an emotionally abusive relationship - I was dumped quite brutally. We'd had a lovely weekend - Fri/Sat. On the Monday he called me and dumped me. It was very cold and emotionless and it really hurt. He said he didn't want me to email/call him again. I realised I couldn't ever contact him again and I haven't. It has been really painful and still is painful facing up to the fact I won't ever be intimate with him again or can call him.

I am overweight massively and am trying to do something about it but its very slow.

Since he dumped me I have got braces on my teeth (this was a long term plan) but have had them for about 4 months and they make me feel repulsive. Part of me thinks - once I'm done with them ( at least a year) maybe I'll look better and he'll want me - which is fucked up thinking. I know I'll be a lone for that time anyway.

Let's get real. No man is going to want to kiss someone with braces - assuming they don't know them/have kissed them already. I get that it's different if you have a pre-existing relationship.

End point of all this is I feel rejected, grotesque and repulsive. I have had some therapy but it hasn't helped and talking about it all has just made me more upset and cry a lot - both in and out of the therapy sessions.

I'm so fucked and my life is fucked. Who would want me with my disgusting fat body and ugly teeth braces? How can I get my mind out of this low depression?

I really really badly miss my ex (although he was emotionally abusive) and feel like I can't face never ever seeing him again. I loved (still love him) very much and want to get over it.

It all seems such a mess to me. I can't see any happy future for me.

Slightlypanicked Wed 13-Jul-16 00:45:31

Sorry you're feeling so low flowers. You sound like you're well shot of your ex, anyone worth your time and effort doesn't behave like that. You're far better off without him.
Don't base you're worth solely on your appearance, you are so much more than that. For what it's worth braces are really a big thing at the minute and at least 3 adults I know have had them over the past few years and their teeth look fabulous now!
Take small steps to building your self esteem, it won't happen overnight. Do you have many friends in rl?

SoleBizzz Wed 13-Jul-16 01:09:02

Time alone without men will be best. Maybe try another therapist and then when that has ended tackle your weight. You were low in yourself before you met him and your boundaries are crooked. Your expectations are far too high for the type of man you attract. Watch Louise Hay on YouTube too. Try her affirmation app. The more you use affirmations they sunk into your sub conscious and you eventually start to believe them. When you start to believe you are working towards a better you and future you will think wtf did I see in that? You need to start your new life chapter.

SoleBizzz Wed 13-Jul-16 01:10:14

The only way is up. Delete/block him.

come2chat Wed 13-Jul-16 01:42:28

He doesn't deserve you. And what a mean man for dumping you after a weekend together. A suggestion: what my friend did was write post its of all her ex's negative points and stuck them on her fridge so she'll be reminded every day every hour how he's a waste of space and she's well shot of him.

Use this as a way of getting fit and become a person who you want to be. For example, instead of staying in thinking about him, get active and go running. Make a list of all the things you want to improve about yourself and set a timetable of what you should be doing every day, every hour. That way it's easier to stay focused and you wouldn't have time to think about your ex.

Incognita82 Wed 13-Jul-16 08:58:24

Braces are fab! Honestly, I had them as an adult and I think it is one of the best things I did. I had terrible overcrowded teeth before and now they are lovely and straight. The time goes quickly, please persevere. The end result will be worth it and as a PP said, it is really common to see adults with braces on now.

As far as weight loss goes, do what suits you. Lose a bit if it makes you feel better, or don't. I had unrealistic expectations for years about how thin I should be and made myself miserable over it for years too.

One of the really good things which came out of getting divorced was the realisation that I could now choose to be who I wanted and I chose to abandon that model thin aspiration and just be happy with who I was. Best thing I ever did. People (not just women) come in all shapes and sizes and that's how it should be. Decide how you want to look and work towards that, but be kind to yourself about it. Women use looks to beat themselves up a lot I think.

Do you really want to be with some bloke who only wants you for the way you look (step forward my exH). Hell no! because that way you are just choosing another superficial twat who will always put himself first. What you should be aiming for is a real, kind bloke who will love you for you and put you first. Someone who sees you as a real person, not an accessory.

What he is going to want is someone who is comfortable in her own skin, happy and leads an interesting life, with hobbies and friends who can become mutual friends in time. Sort your own life out first and be happy before you look for another man. You'll find a much better model than your ex twat.

Don't feel bad about your ex, we all have shitty ex's in our past. They are there so we know what we don't want and can recognise a good one when we meet him.

Piemernator Wed 13-Jul-16 09:09:19

Do not date anyone and work on your self esteem issues, also block all contact with your ex.

MatildaTheCat Wed 13-Jul-16 09:20:52

Sorry you are feeling so rubbish. Do continue to seek therapy because you are equating slimness with happiness and all things perfect. Look around you, there are people of all shapes and they are happy/ unhappy, loved/ unloved. The trick is finding happiness within yourself.

Use this year to figure out how to be happy being you. Chances are you will lose weight anyway. If you have tried everything and are health riskingly overweight discuss medical intervention with your GP.

OhWellll Wed 13-Jul-16 10:29:16

Thank you for your posts. I don't really have many friends and feel a bit a lone. I have a few friends but more occassional drinking buddies than anyone really close.

I feel so depressed and can't see any way out or any sign of anything improving in the near future.

A big part of this is how I feel about my ex. He made my already low self esteem worse. I sort of feel like he broke me down so that I would attach to him and pine for him for ever. He was very cruel the way he ended it.

HotNatured Wed 13-Jul-16 10:46:29

Use the period that you have left with your braces to develop your self esteem. Maybe use the time to get fit and lose weight, to read and develop yourself, maybe have some therapy.

It sounds like you need some time to grow to love yourself again and honestly, you won't do that getting into another relationship feeling the way you do right now, anyway.

So yes maybe you won't feel at your best when your mouth is full of metal, frankly who would, but think short term pain for long term gain !

Take your focus off men and how you appear to them and spend time investing in yourself emotionally. That way when the braces come off you can use that occasion as like an unveiling of the new you.

I've been with guys who have shot my self esteem to pieces. The ONLY way out of that pattern is being on your own for a while. Once your self esteem is in a healthy place, you will look back and kick yourself for putting up with so much crap from such low quality arseholes.

kingvardos Wed 13-Jul-16 12:26:54

Hi. I just wanted to say I had braces for 3 years. Hated them but oddly had more dates than ever. Men seemed to like them. My teeth look great now and yours will. I couldn't eat solid foods much at all, ate soups and smoothies. Lost a lot of weight. You'll be okay, I'm sorry you feel low ... Hang on in there. Hugs

SoleBizzz Wed 13-Jul-16 13:08:50

I let yes LET my ex almost destroy my self esteem eight years ago and when I met him I hardly had any. I am still on my self development journey. I am 42. I do not have depression kr any health problems except fibroid and obesity. It is a struggle but you can't love anybidy else until you love your own mind heart body and soul. The journey will boost your self esteem gradually but you must do the work needed.

Say this to yourself

I respect myself and ithers respect me

I radiate love and everybody lives me

Over and over and over you will believe it eventually. Say everyday for 30 days. Try Louise Hay on YouTube x

SoleBizzz Wed 13-Jul-16 13:09:28

Loves me*

SoleBizzz Wed 13-Jul-16 13:10:40

LesisMiserable Wed 13-Jul-16 23:27:36

How long were you together? I got dumped by my ex after 4.5 years together (I'd known him for 18 at that point) by a note popped through the front door telling me it was over and not to contact him again.we had spent the day before together normally. It hurt. I assumed it was because he wasn't attracted to me, because I had put weight on (and maybe it was, who knows?) Regardless of the reason, he didn't love me any more. Accepting that was actually empowering. Not trying to reason it away just accepting that for whatever reason he fell out of love. It happens every day to people, even perfectly shaped it's not about looks. That one wasn't meant for you. You're going through physical change at the moment, you're quietly polishing yourself little by little and eventually you'll emerge from your chrysalis feeling like a new improved woman - deserving of a new improved man. Keep the faith.

OhWellll Fri 15-Jul-16 23:44:49

How long were you together?

2.5 years notionally but the first 6 months were a bit on/off - so 2 years in reality.

I was just reading the Carrie/Big thread on here and thinking maybe I had an over romantised view of him in the same way.

Thanks for everyone who had positive "braces" stories. I still feel grotesquely ugly though. I feel when I'm speaking to someone all they see is a mouth full of appliances.

I wonder whether anyone over the age of 30 in braces has ever had a first kiss with a new partner cold (ie. not someone you knew from before). I bet it rarely happens. I don't even know if I could kiss someone - there is so much stuff in the way.

I look at people on the street in couples who aren't conventionally attractive and wonder how they got together and why no one ( him really) doesn't want me (pre-braces).

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