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Having a strop over DP's comments

(52 Posts)
ktt512 Tue 12-Jul-16 20:39:20

I had a thread last week about how my DP was acting after our MMC and how I didn't feel he was being supportive. But tonight he's really pissed me off.

We were chatting over dinner and I brought up a report i'd seen on the news about certain IVF funding being cut in Essex and how it had already been cut in our area. I was saying, if it turns out we would need IVF for genetic reasons once we find out the reason behind the MMC, where we live might have an impact on us being able to do that. To which he replied 'well if there's a problem with my sperm, it doesn't matter cos i've already got two kids'. I felt this is below the belt considering the events of the last fortnight - to me it sounds like he's saying 'stuff you love, I don't care if we don't have any kids cos i've already got mine'.

So I said as much to him. He replied 'well you'd just adopt wouldn't you?' to which I replied 'no, you have already told me you wouldn't want to adopt, we'd just use different sperm I guess'...and then I got 'well if you did that I wouldn't be with you, i'm not raising another man's kid'. Not 'if it came down to it, we'd discuss all the options darling, but I'm not sure I would be comfortable with using another man's sperm' - this I could totally respect, i'm sure it's not for everyone, but to blurt out what he did is a bit harsh no? Especially after telling me he doesn't give a shit if we have conception issues because he's already got his kids. Kids which I am expected to help raise as my step children? It made me feel a bit of an idiot, he's too good for raising someone else's child in nothing more than biology, but i'm helping to raise children you had with another woman who is their mother in every way - what does that make him think of me? Am I some sort of mug is his eyes for doing that? I'm pretty sure i'm hugely helpful to him and the children, surely that makes him a big, ugly hypocrite? How can you allow someone to do something you think is unthinkable to do yourself?

I'll admit that I saw red (i'm still a little emotional) and retorted 'I wouldn't be with you if you wouldn't allow me to have children', then I got called an arsehole and told that I owe him an apology. He apparently does not owe me one because he doesn't believe he said anything that could come across as horrible.

Was I over sensitive or is he a bell end? Or are we both bell ends? Reading it back, it sounds like we're both teenagers again blush

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Tue 12-Jul-16 20:42:06

He's a bellend

TheoriginalLEM Tue 12-Jul-16 20:42:36

don't ffs have children with this man. he is vile.

Sparkletastic Tue 12-Jul-16 20:45:48

No he's a complete wanker.

Imknackeredzzz Tue 12-Jul-16 20:46:00

Why are u with him?! He sounds vile!

suspiciousofgoldfish Tue 12-Jul-16 20:55:28

He was an arsehole last week and he's an arsehole now. Bin him.
Sorry for your lossflowers

ktt512 Tue 12-Jul-16 20:58:40

Thank god, I was beginning to feel like I had over reacted, but i'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks he's being a tit.

I'm so angry, I don't know if he's being a dick because he is a dick or if it has something to do with the miscarriage and him dealing with it in his own weird way? He drives me mental a lot of the time and can be selfish, but this level of dickishness is unusual, usually when he's being a cock there is a humour to it, even if I don't want to admit it - he knows how to wind me up. But if this was his idea of a joke to begin with, he needs a kick in the balls. Even if I hadn't just lost our very wanted (from my POV anyway) baby, it would have been shitty of him.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 12-Jul-16 21:01:38

Don't have children with this tosser.

flowers sorry that on top of your loss, you're dealing with this. x

Lookatyourwatchnow Tue 12-Jul-16 21:16:12

It's far too far to be a dickish idea of a joke. He said it because that's how he feels. Oh, and because he is a dick.

ThoraGruntwhistle Tue 12-Jul-16 21:24:25

Don't try to rationalise his behaviour or explain it away with him being upset. If he had any respect for your wish to have children or the effort you make as a step mum he wouldn't say such shitty things to you, or demand an apology for you answering back... I'm angry on your behalf actually. What an arsehole.

Jengnr Tue 12-Jul-16 21:26:05

He's horrible. Really horrible.

It's not the good times that are the measure of a relationship, it's how you handle the shitty hands life deals you and he handles it by being deeply unpleasant to you. This is who he is. Not kind, caring or loving, nasty and cruel.

Find someone else to have children with because if he's this much of a wanker now imagine what a cock he'll be over contact.

I'm sorry for your loss :flowers:

ladyjadie Tue 12-Jul-16 21:31:17

What he said was horrible and insensitive. You aren't being unreasonable at all. And I'm sorry for your Mmc flowers

Littleladylumps Tue 12-Jul-16 22:25:56

What a insensitive twat! I'd P45 him!

ImperialBlether Tue 12-Jul-16 22:31:03

Oh you can do SO much better than this.

Has no-one else seen the irony of him expecting the OP to be a step-mother but saying he couldn't look after someone else's child?

Bin him, OP. You're far too good for him and he's too horrible for anyone.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 12-Jul-16 22:36:08

Aside from all the horrible comments did he really call you an arsehole? What a desperate name to call your dw. What is it with these guys using such foul names.

ChooseTheLifeYouLove Tue 12-Jul-16 22:38:10

Bellend. He "won't raise another man's kids" where does he stand on you raiding another woman's kids- his? He sounds horrific and insensitive and cruel. flowers

neonrainbow Tue 12-Jul-16 22:41:07

You poor thing. I think you'd be better off going it alone with a sperm donor rather than sticking it out with that horrible shit. Who the fuck is he to speak to you like that?!

ABunchOfCups Tue 12-Jul-16 22:48:59

I once read a poster on here say something like "when someone tells you who they are, listen", he's come across as a dickhead, because he is a dickhead.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage flowers

KindDogsTail Tue 12-Jul-16 22:52:12

I am so sorry about your miscarriage flowers

I think your H was very insensitive, and also wonder if he is less intelligent than you, and a bit basic in his thinking? Not noticing how stupid it was to say he wouldn't bring up another man's child while you are helping with his was either very stupid or just plain horrible selfishness. As you said he could have been honest while putting it very differently.

Also, you just lost your baby and he called you an arsehole for seeing red, when a kind man would have completely understood why you had and apologised.

DixieNormas Tue 12-Jul-16 23:01:58

I sounds insensitive and thick as mince

SandyY2K Tue 12-Jul-16 23:07:59

What a terribly insensitive and selfish comment from him.

He could have said things in a very different way. ... delivering the same message.... without hurting your feelings.

I have a friend in your exact situation. Her DH has 2 kids and she is stepmum and desperately wants a DC. He has DCs and it's not an issue for him.
I can't post any more publicly (I'm happy for you to PM me about it if you want) for confidentiality, but it's a difficult situation.

Your DH could have said ---- "I know you are stepmum to x and x and help raise them so well, but I feel it's different from raising a newborn baby that isn't biologically mine." "Let's see how things go and we can discuss our options nearer the time."

I was about to say you raising your stepchildren and him raising a baby from birth that isn't biologically his is the same thing, but honestly thinking about it, it isn't really the same.

I really hope this next bit doesn't cause any offence, as that is not my intention at all, so please please don't take it that way.

I flipped it round and thought if my DH wanted to use his sperm to get a woman to have his own biological child that I was to raise in our home with him as ours, how would I feel?

Especially if I had 2 of my own biological DCs. I'm not sure I'd want to do it really. I don't know if people would say that makes me selfish, but I can't see myself being that motivated.

Cantplaywontplay Wed 13-Jul-16 00:49:05

Could he have meant, if they find a problem with his sperm it can't be that bad as his sperm had managed to produce two children? (Reaching a bit I know)
Emotions are so fraught for both partners after a mc, I don't know if this seemed out of character or if he's normally so insensitive.

CaoNiMao Wed 13-Jul-16 02:45:58

He sounds like an absolute knuckle-dragging anus. Get rid!

LilacInn Wed 13-Jul-16 03:06:44

Omg you have dodged a bullet!

Forget about your own wants and wishes for a moment and THINK: would you really saddle a human being with this lukewarm selfish knob as its father??? Really????

Please reconsider for the sake of any future offspring. Good luck.

QforCucumber Wed 13-Jul-16 03:22:36

What an arse! So sorry for your loss, ive been there an it's awful. You may not get a reason for it happening - sometimes with early mc there just is no reason.
Your dp is in no way thinking of you and your feelings at the moment, do you think he's been hit hard by it too and doesn't know how to deal with it maybe? Not an excuse of course but maybe a rationalisation behind his attitude.

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