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Unfaithful husband - unsure what do do now

(53 Posts)
Goonthenjustonemore Tue 12-Jul-16 16:42:31

Brand new - and crashing in with a nice big problem. (Well, I'm sure there are far worse but this seems like a pretty big deal at the moment). I've been trawling through the archives for people in a similar situation, but as much to get it out of my head as anything else, I need to write it down.

I found out last week that my H of ten years had an almost-one-night-stand with someone he met in a bar while away on a work trip about a year ago. When I say almost - they were in bed naked together, before he came to his senses, grabbed his stuff and left.

He eventually had to come out and tell me because - drumroll - I've been experiencing some symptoms of chlamydia. He has also had a burning sensation while peeing occasionally. I know this makes his version of events (coitus take-frightus) seem very unlikely, but apparently it's not impossible.

I know. Classy. Anyway, I was shocked for about two days, came out of it, forgave him, all was happy - and now I'm pinballing between anger and sadness and despair and just - I don't know.

I never, ever thought I would find myself in this position. When he sat me down last week to tell me, I honestly would have been less shocked if he'd told me that he was seriously ill. Not that that wouldn't have been awful, it's just that I never, ever thought he would do this.

He's told me it was nothing I had done - he's taking full responsibility and feels disgusted with himself. A huge part of my wanting to forgive him came from seeing how upset he was. This was genuine, btw - he doesn't do emotional manipulation (but then, I thought I knew him in other ways, too.)

And now I don't know what to do. Do we tell anyone in real life? We live close to his parents, and the thought of having to pretend everything is ok is excruciating.

And the trust thing - he goes away quite a lot for work, and while I believe that he isn't stupid enough, or unkind enough, to go out and do the same thing again, it's like I no longer trust my own assumptions about the future we have together. I always saw myself with him - and now I feel as though that's something I can't take for granted.

There's a part of me thinking that it's not physically that big a deal, and he's such a good husband and father in every other way, but it's just the unfairness of it. I was at home, looking after our two kids, looking after the house. He broke the deal. The one where we both make some sacrifices to build a good life together. That's the part I can't get over.

So - are there things I should be doing? Questions I should be asking? The thoughts fly around my head when we're apart, but when I see him it's like it's just too huge to talk about. Will that feeling go away?

mumofthemonsters808 Tue 12-Jul-16 16:52:39

Sorry to sound harsh Op, but my take on this, is that he has give her one and he's told you because he had to.You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Don't let him mistake you for a fool.

HundredYearsInTime Tue 12-Jul-16 16:52:42

I guess you are just having a normal reaction to it and it tends to go away. But I think it is important to let your emotions out and talk to him about it as much as you feel like.
Also find someone irl to talk to and support you when you are down.
Wish you the best. flowers

HundredYearsInTime Tue 12-Jul-16 16:54:57

But... Cheating is one thing, cheating and not using condom is unbelievable. What is he, 18? angry

Stillunexpected Tue 12-Jul-16 16:57:00

He managed to possibly give you chlamydia from someone that he didn't have sex with? I think even you must see that he is only telling you the minimum because he has to. Before this, you would probably never have imagined that he could do something like this even once. Now you know he can, why would you not believe that he could do it twice, a dozen times, whatever? Sorry to sound harsh but he is lying to you about his behaviour.

On another note, have you got your symptoms checked out yet? You need to get yourself to the STD clinic.

Costacoffeeplease Tue 12-Jul-16 16:59:12

I very much doubt he gathered his clothes up and ran away like a frightened 12 year old. If he has an sti and has passed that on to you, and only come clean because he had to - deal breaker

I'd be wondering how many other times there had been when had hadn't been caught out

He's not a good husband and father when he cheats and lies to you, and puts your health at risk - he's a selfish, arrogant twat who thinks with his dick

His stuff would be in bin bags on the front step if he were mine

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 16:59:36

He's lying OP, he's away on business overnight at least and is in bed naked with OW and they don't have sex, oh please - you have the evidence with a sexual infection fgs so he's still lying to you.

You can't move on until he's honest, he's not being truthful and what's to stop him doing it again, he clearly has no respect for your marriage.

Sorry but no way do I believe his shit story - I know you want to but you have to be realistic, he's had sex with another woman, only told you cos he's got vd symptoms.

I'd kick him out and spend time thinking of whether he's worth trying with again.

Iamworried2016 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:00:06

Really, he grabbed his stuff and left? But still managed to get an STI from her despite not having sex? yeah right..
LTB.

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:02:26

And yes YOU tell who you want, you need your friends right now, not him.

JayDot500 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:02:34

You may have to walk and learn. It's admirable you want to forgive him but you can't force yourself to just 'get over it'.

Personally, I'd have doubts re the chlamydia and no sex story. I think that would prolong my ability to just 'move on' from the past he's apparently come clean over. He could just have a urine infection or something but seems a bit far fetched he'd equate his symptoms to his almost one night stand.

I wouldn't make any drastic assumptions or major decisions right now. Give yourself and your relationship time. It's possible this could strengthen your relationship but time and trust is essential neither can be forced.

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:04:03

You sound incredibly forgiving and are full of excuses for him, understandable as I think you are still in denial about what happened, not helped by the fact he is lying to your face.

Goonthenjustonemore Tue 12-Jul-16 17:05:53

Hello,
Thanks, all - yes, I've been to get tested. Should get results back later this week. Along with news about a job interview. Jeez.

Haven't decided yet what I want to do. Strangely, the physical side is less hard to take than the disrespect.

Hockeydude Tue 12-Jul-16 17:08:29

No way did he get out of the bed and no way was this only the once. He's admitted the minimum he can.

Hobbybaker Tue 12-Jul-16 17:09:00

I would give him one more chance to tell you the whole truth, warts and all, and then make a decision from there. I really doubt that it stopped before any penetration happened; and if he can't be honest now, when your relationship is at risk, then you have your answer.

Whether or not you can believe anything he says since his confession is another matter; only you can know and I would trust your gut feeling.

I would be more concerned that he was stupid enough to have unprotected sex; knowing that he'd be passing anything he caught onto you. That smacks of a lack of respect for you (quite apart from cheating in the 1st place). Good luck with whatever you decide. I don't envy you having to make such a serious decision; take your time and maybe see a counsellor to help you decide what it is you want.

MNetter15 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:09:56

How can you possibly believe him? 😢

Mummamayhem Tue 12-Jul-16 17:10:42

Oh come off it! I'd want to pretend it never happened too, I get that this must be awful. But the ridiculous lie is insulting. If he's genuine about anything then he needs to volunteer some truths.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore Tue 12-Jul-16 17:19:20

You're a fool if you believe this, OP. An absolute fool.

ChicRock Tue 12-Jul-16 17:25:40

Wow, the one and only time this happened, without even having second with her, he caught an STD.

He must be the unluckiest guy on the planet.

Or a big fat liar.

ChicRock Tue 12-Jul-16 17:26:08

*sex (not second).

candybar007 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:26:18

Hobbybaker gives good advice, only you know the next step once you get the results back.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:27:28

You can only catch it through bodily fluids so if there was no penetrative sex there was some form of oral sex. Sorry.

SandyY2K Tue 12-Jul-16 17:28:57

I'm not buying his story that he gathered his clothes and ran. Why are you buying it?

If so then he didn't have to tell you when you had signs of chlamydia. Even if your tests come back negative, it doesn't mean he's being truthful.

Did he say they just kissed, talked, oral sex?

You haven't got the truth by a long shot.

I imagine if you told him you were scheduling a polygraph to get the truth and find out if he'd done this before, you'd soon have a full confession.

I'll PM you some info.

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:31:19

So it's all been brushed under the carpet, nobody knows, his rep is in tact, except you are destroyed by his actions - you need to stop believing this is your problem too, you did absolutely nothing at all to deserve this, he did it all.

I'd be more angry at the fact he is blatantly lying about what happened, that would indicate to me he has lots to hide, perhaps they had an actual relationship, who knows.

You can move on and accept his lie but it will never go away and you will be the one suffering, he will carry on as normal, whatever that is.

How the hell do you catch VD without having any sexual contact - does he think you are buttoned up the back, so angry on your behalf.

I've heard some desperate stories on here from cheaters, but he takes the biscuit....biscuit

MoreGilmoreGirls Tue 12-Jul-16 17:33:41

As others have said he has told you about the time he has had to tell you about and is also minimising what happened. Can you really believe this has not happened multiple times before? Seems highly unlikely that a) he did not have sex and b) the first time he ever got naked with another woman he caught an sti.
Sorry you are going through this OP. I think you need to talk this through with someone (friend, relative, counsellor?). flowers

MonkeysWAGMug Tue 12-Jul-16 17:34:44

Sandy, I have to ask as I'm curious.
I've read a lot of your posts and I see you very frequently tell an OP that you're going to PM them with some info. What info is it that you can't can't put it in the thread? If it's top secret then feel free to PM me with it too grin

OP, he's lying to you.

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