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He doesnt understand

(28 Posts)
Littlemist Tue 12-Jul-16 14:30:03

I have been made to feel that things are all my fault and I am a control freak.

My husband uses facebook and messenger all the time, just as I do, but he has recently updated his phone and opened another facebook a/c., messenger etc. He asked me to help him do this.

A few months ago, he and one lady 'friend', who was involved in the past with him, began to send message after message and it became to the stage that the texts would come through most of the evening and at late night time. He was also playing the game by answering her. I got really fed up of this and asked him what it was all about and that it was upsetting me. He wouldn't show me the texts and told me I was stupid and controlling. He actually threw his ipad on the floor and smashed it in front of me.

Now he has the new phone, new facebook, new messenger etc, and guess what, he has 'friended' the lady. Messages were coming through again and this time I saw two as I was messing about with the phone ( he knew I was doing this). She asked him why he had friended her again and was he going to be nice to her again, also saying that she would be very nice to him and offered him to meet her. Wow, it surprised me to say the least. I said to him about it and told him how it had upset me. He told me I was insecure, controlling and that I had a big problem. He now has decided to smash the new phone up as well.

Can someone please try and help me to understand his ways. Is it me, I am confused

hippydippybaloney Tue 12-Jul-16 14:32:54

Don't bother trying to understand. He's a twat. Leave.

Littlemist Tue 12-Jul-16 14:46:03

I feel like it hippydippy, just very shocked at this behaviour. Why smash up 2 items when being asked, as I think, reasonable questions. Is it because he is guilty and angry at himself or what. I just hate getting the blame and him sulking etc because I asked for the truth. It is totally childish, but he says it will stop me controlling him. Ha

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 14:48:56

So he's flirting at the very least and sending numerous messages back and forth with an ex and you are controlling, I think it's the other way around OP.

Tbh, he sounds like he has zero respect for you so I'd not even bother anymore, I'd get on with my own life.

BlushRanunculus Tue 12-Jul-16 15:01:25

Major overreaction... He understands that what he is doing is not on and when being pulled up on it is acting like a child.

MatildaTheCat Tue 12-Jul-16 16:00:41

He's not just a twat, he's a violent twat.

Stop trying to prove something, you are correct and it's an inappropriate relationship but frankly he doesn't sound worth the bother.

ThoraGruntwhistle Tue 12-Jul-16 16:04:39

He is being aggressive, secretive, and is trying to cheat on you if he's not already doing it. When a man would rather smash up pieces of expensive tech rather than let you see them, it's time to go.
What if next time he doesn't like a question, it's you that gets the force of his anger?

Kr1stina Tue 12-Jul-16 16:11:35

By smashing the iPad and the phone , he's showing your what will happen to you if you don't STFU and let him get on with what he wants to do .

Cabrinha Tue 12-Jul-16 16:22:48

He's smashing things up to scare you, and to blame you.

no normal person smashing an iPad to stop their wife seeing a message

He doesn't want you to see the messages - because he's flirting. But he's not smashing the iPad to stop you. If you saw them, he'd just say it was harmless banter. He doesn't need to stop you seeing them. The smashing isn't to stop you seeing those messages - it's to make you too bloody scared to ever challenge him on them again.


Smashing iPads and phones or not - why on earth would you ever stay with someone who flirts with another woman when you've made it absolutely clear that you (reasonably!) don't want him too?!

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Jul-16 16:23:38

Why are you even bothering with this twat.
Bin him off.

SandyY2K Tue 12-Jul-16 16:37:17

He has a big problem smashing up iPad and phone like that. Has he got any MH conditions as he's not exhibiting normal behaviour.

Either way, I wouldn't remain in that situation without serious changes on his part.

Littlemist Tue 12-Jul-16 16:43:45

I am seriously thinking that I cant live with this emotional anxiety. He has never been a violent person, he is normally a gentle person and kind. This behaviour is way over the top and the smashing, I think, is trying to make me feel guilty that I 'made'(!!) him do it because he claims I am controlling. Ha, I have never stopped him doing what he wants and who he speaks to, and had no reason to ever question him, until recently. I just do not know why he does it, when it so obviously upsets me. He claims he loves me, but I am thinking he no longer does and this his cowardly way of going about a break. Perhaps its his age(haha). Why are some men like this. The silence is unbearable with his sulking too!

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 17:21:12

He's really not worth the angst OP, he smashed it up to cover his tracks and turn the blame on you for being a nag/controlling when all you are being is a person who expects respect, he's showing you none even though you've told him it upsets you.

I don't think it has anything to do with age, I think he has zero respect for your relationship and I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him an inch.

You don't have to put up with it and yes there are nice men, they are not all like him, don't kid yourself.

howtofixme Tue 12-Jul-16 17:33:26

Smashing up his tech does not stop him logging in from a PC does it, he can still continue with the chats, but it is his way of showing his strength and to tell you to back off.

I would be backing off completely with my suitcases and tell him he is free to talk to whomever he likes from this point forward.

Littlemist Tue 12-Jul-16 18:41:41

No he doesn't show any MH conditions. Other than this! He has not long told me that he cannot tolerate this controlling behaviour on my part and if I continue that will be the end. For goodness sake, any wife in this position would be wondering what is going on. He is rather full of himself and when I asked if the boot was on the other foot, what would he think. he said he doesn't care who I speak to. That's my answer. Thank you ladies for you support xx

Gabilan Tue 12-Jul-16 20:02:43

Having MH conditions doesn't cause you to smash up tech. He's just a twat.

Littleladylumps Wed 13-Jul-16 09:03:07

You were asking perfectly reasonable questions. I certainly wouldn't of been happy if I were in your shoes.
I would say his reaction shows guilt.

IJustLostTheGame Wed 13-Jul-16 09:07:19

He wants out so he can chase this other woman guilt free. And just like the prize he is he's decided it's all your fault. He can tell this facebook woman that his ex is a controlling psycho and therefore get a free rein with her.

What a twat.

ravenmum Wed 13-Jul-16 09:14:52

They make it all about your "bad behaviour" to draw attention away from their own dirty secrets - to put you off the scent - and because they don't like being the horrible one and want someone else to blame instead. Agree with Cabrinha about the motives behind smashing things.

If you continue it will be the end? He means that if you continue questioning him it will give him more opportunities to blame it on your "bad behaviour" if you split up.

Littlemist Sun 17-Jul-16 14:12:00

It is getting worse, after a long emotional talk, and raised voices, he added that I don't want him to have any women friends and that I want his life to revolve around me. I said I didn't mind him having women as friends at all, in the right context, which is in my mind, someone who I am introduced to, or someone who knows he is married. Not someone who he messages on facebook and texts and keeps me a secret. He has began to tell me serious lies and so much so I have looked into his phone. This doesn't come easy to admit I have done this and feel bad, but what I saw in a text beggars belief. We went away for a couple of days and he has told this woman he was away and that she would have to go with him next time. Stunned!! I was with him. How can someone be so deceitful and change so much. This man is bad and he just cannot see what he is doing. Time to sort myself out I think.

Littlemist Sun 17-Jul-16 14:14:58

I didn't put in last message, we went away, on my decision, to try and sort our problems out. Thought a change of scene and no distractions of work etc may help to sort things out. Obviously not eh?

inlectorecumbit Sun 17-Jul-16 14:34:23

Time to LTB l think.
He has no rspect for you or your relationship. Do you have DC's, do you own or rent the house??
Does he know you have seen these messages?

ilovehalloumi Sun 17-Jul-16 14:39:10

My H smashed his phone, when i suspected he was seeing someone and she was messaging him. Apparently i was paranoid and he was showing me how much he didnt care about the messages. I was correct, he had been fucking her for weeks. In fact 10 mins after smashing his phone he had used his ipad to message her to let her know his phone was broken. Leave OP.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 17-Jul-16 15:53:53

"*How can someone be so deceitful and change so much?"*

Because he's a Grade-A prick. And far too cowardly to do the decent thing and end your relationship. Probably because he's not certain that the bint would actually want him if he was free.

"This man is bad and he just cannot see what he is doing. Time to sort myself out I think."

Yep! Kick him to the kerb and don't think twice about it.

Littlemist Sun 17-Jul-16 16:19:45

I am at my wits end now, I cannot get through to him. In the last 6 weeks all he has outwardly contributed any thing is £20. I continue to physically work, manually work hard for our garden business, cook etc. All he does is say he is tired, puts me down in every thing I say. Crap. I don't think I can cope with this much longer. So angry and upset

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