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On a break...need help/advice/support

(38 Posts)
UpsideDown0705 Tue 12-Jul-16 11:15:58

Last week I found out my boyfriend has been seeing someone else. We have been together for years and live together. I am devastated and still love him.

He has been seeing someone for 9 months. Claims to have seen her a couple of times per month, only on nights out. Only kissed. But it contact via text and Fb. I'm inclined to believe this as I have never had to query his whereabouts. She is separated from her husband although living together still. I haven't been away without him for overnight stays etc. But he has cheated, so who knows if he is telling the truth!

He says he has strong feelings for her. He loves me. He doesn't know what he wants. He felt we have not been as close recently and there are issues in our relationship that have lead to this. He isn't sure if we can fix it as its went too far. I've asked him to move out so we can both figure out what we want.

I am devastated. I feel like I'm losing him. right now I am desperate to be with him.

Is there any way back from this?

smilingeyes11 Tue 12-Jul-16 11:27:56

sounds like he has already checked out. I would tell him to leave. And I am sure it is more thank kisses, they always minimise.

This isn't for you to fix. Keep your dignity and let him go.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Jul-16 11:34:41

You've lost him.
He checked out the first time he cheated and now he's doing it again.
And you want to accept this treatment!?
You KNOW you deserve better than this lying cheating scumbag.
Don't 'settle' for a cheat.
Find someone who will love just you.
I hope he has moved out to give you some space.
Keep yourself busy.
Block, ignore and delete him for now to get the space you need.
Do NOT be tempted to text or contact him.
Seriously, no man is worth putting up with this treatment!
Not EVER!!!!

timelytess Tue 12-Jul-16 11:35:51

He's gone. Its an arse but it happens.

UpsideDown0705 Tue 12-Jul-16 11:43:29

That's my fear. That he has checked out. He seems so upset, not at being caught, but at the situation we are in. Some things he is saying makes me think he does want to make it work. Then others are more towards its a shame it has ended up this way.

I know I should value myself more. I'm sure with time I will, but right now I've lost the person I love most and am going home to an empty house for this first time in my life and I'm petrified

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Jul-16 11:54:36

Try to enjoy your alone time.
Watch you want on TV.
Put a good rom-com on and watch that.
Eat what you want.
Sleep how you want and when you want.

Yes you do need to value yourself more.
Try to find out why you are prepared to put up this crap.
Counselling may help you unravel this and that can help with future relationships.

smilingeyes11 Tue 12-Jul-16 11:58:54

He felt we have not been as close recently and there are issues in our relationship that have lead to this

Don't believe his crocodile tears. He is just upset you know and upset he has behaved like a shit. Stop waiting around for him to decide he wants you over her. Look up the pick me dance then make sure you don't do it. You need to block him everywhere online and go NC. It is the only way.

Strawberryjam34 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:07:34

I have been in a very similar situation with my husband. Even though he said he wanted to be with me he seemed to have very strong feelings for the OW - something that I could not overlook or live with! In my opinion I wasted months of my life trying to make things work while he minimised everything or tried to make out I was crazy! When he was quite clearly still involved with her - he was the 'cake and eat it' man.
In the end I just left as I could take no more of the toxic environment. It's hard at first but it does get better I promise (I didn't believe either) I've been no contact with him now for 3 weeks (other than a yes or no for childcare arrangements via text) and its been brilliant. I'm having so much fun as I'm actually being me for a change! I'm out loads with friends and am super busy. I never realised how controlling he was.
I'd pick the life I have now over a miserable life with a cheater any day! He didn't value me so it's his loss 😊

KittensandKnitting Tue 12-Jul-16 12:12:19

NC is the only way forward.

Agree with smiling eyes it is more than likely crocodile tears, I'm sure on some level he does feel guilty about what he has done to you but the tears are more about his feelings of guilt at his behaviour than what he has done to you and the effect it will have and is having on you IYSWIM.

It sounds like you discovered this rather than him confessing to you, even if he hasn't slept with her (and I'm sorry but I doubt this very much) this would have continued without your knowledge for goodness knows how long.

He has checked out he did this a long time ago, the "things" he are saying that make you think it might be ok, is him trying to defend his action IMO and to minimise his guilt.

You need to be kind to yourself now and most importantly you need to move on, you can feel desperate to be with him but for your own sake you can't, you are not loosing him he has left. I'm not saying this to be harsh to you or insensitive but you need to accept the fact he has left.

How you get over this will depend on you as a person but you 100% will get over this and you will look back in a few years when your happy with a man who 100% deserves you and think wow what a lucky escape.

Go NC
Keep yourself busy
Do things he hated doing that you love
Talk to people on MN or in RL
Allow yourself to grieve, it is similar because you go through all the same stages and do grieve for what was good about your relationship but accept it is no more.

Finally keep telling yourself you will get through this because you will flowers

Costacoffeeplease Tue 12-Jul-16 12:14:24

Don't plead and do the 'pick me' dance - find your self respect and dignity and tell him it's over, don't give him all the power. He's likely minimising the contact between them, but he's already out of your relationship

UpsideDown0705 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:16:39

Strawberryjam- it's nice to hear of a similar situation with a positive outcome, thank you!

I really appreciate everyone's advice. I thought getting it out somewhere, instead of texting him, would be better. I cannot focus on anything else right now. It's all consuming!

Right now, i don't know why I'm willing to accept it. He has said it was a mistake, he has contacted her at my request to say it's over, and is willing to cut her out of his life to make us work. He said he needs to figure out why he did it. If I knew why, then I could decide if that's something we can fix.

I'm just so confused, and it's still so raw that I don't think I'm coping very well. Looked at the pick me dance (thought it was a YouTube video and I was going to get a laugh!) and in this last week I definitely tick some of those pathetic boxes blush

bluecashmere Tue 12-Jul-16 12:19:01

Sorry this has happened to you.

You want to be with him because you think it will end the terrible pain you are experiencing. It won't, it will just postpone it as I'm afraid the relationship is over and you would be wasting time and energy trying to get it back that you could put into a new phase of your life.

smilingeyes11 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:29:25

he did it because he wanted to and he gave himself permission to do it.

I would suggest you get STI testing I am afraid.

The man you loved is gone. This is all about him and his feelings - why he did it, why he is unsure etc. Stop focussing on him and his silly excuses and start looking after yourself.

UpsideDown0705 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:44:14

That appointment is already booked. I'm inclined to believe him based on what he has said and the circumstances around the nights outs etc (and probably because I just want to believe he has stopped lying), but not willing to bet my health on it!

It's good to hear outsiders perspectives on it. Don't worry about harsh replies- I think it's what I need to hear really but no one in RL wants to say because they can see how upset I am. That doesn't help me though, just placates me.

category12 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:52:36

It's amazing how they can fit it in. Bunk up in the car, long fag break, in the toilets, all sorts. If they wanted to, they have.

ChicRock Tue 12-Jul-16 13:10:06

9 months isn't a fling or a mistake. It's a relationship.

I've witnessed colleagues having an affair. They always think nobody at work knows but we always do. It's amazing how they make time to see each other without it impacting on time at home - half a days annual leave that the wife doesn't know about, invented meetings that take them off site (especially easy where I work, I could block out 2 hours from my diary and leave work and nobody would question my whereabouts), group nights out that consist of just those two not turning up, or they turn up for one drink then disappear off together to a £39 travelodge for a few hours.

He sounds so very full of self pity. I wonder of the OW's DH knows they are separated but still living together hmm.

Let him go, the worst bit is over, you've just got to ride out the next few weeks/couple of months.

amypie86 Tue 12-Jul-16 13:26:37

I think he has checked out and he will seem upset because he feels guilty about you knowing what he's been up to. Don't wait around for him to decide who he wants, you need to rip the plaster off now and tell him to leave. Could you really be happy with him again knowing he's been cheating on you? The trust will be completely gone and you'd live worrying about where he is and what he's doing.

At the moment you're probably so willing to forgive because you're petrified of him picking her over you, but if you got him back would you seriously be happy?

UpsideDown0705 Tue 12-Jul-16 13:29:17

He said it was a mistake to get involved in the first place, rather than face what issues he felt we had. Then instead of stopping it, it's went to far. So I think he means initially, he never sought this out, then never done anything to stop it. It was new/different/escape from day monotony of life. Then turned into something more. While he said he doesn't want to pursue it, he doesn't know if the damage to us can be repaired.

Her DH knows. They can't afford to live separately apparently and have children. Her ex DH is a 'psycho, treated her badly, she didn't love him'. It's just as pathetic that he believes all the lies she will no doubt have told him to justify why an affair was ok.

To be clear, I'm only saying how stupid he is with the above. I don't wish to even discuss the OW. As far as I am concerned, she is a stranger who I have a bad impression of as it is wrong to get with someone knowing they are in a relationship. But she isn't my problem. She has her own problems with her family. my boyfriend if my problem. He is the one who betrayed me.

UpsideDown0705 Tue 12-Jul-16 13:33:07

That should say it's pathetic that my boyfriend believes her cliched justification of why an affair was ok on her side.

Presumably he has lied to her to justify his actions too.

amypie86 Tue 12-Jul-16 13:50:09

It doesn't sound to me like this is a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to repair the relationship. The way he's said to you that he's not sure if it can be fixed because of the damage shows that he has checked out. He's the one that did the damage in the first place, so it should be you that is saying things like that.

It's horrible but you really do deserve someone who won't do that kind of thing.

KittensandKnitting Tue 12-Jul-16 13:50:11

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but he may very well have been given the elbow by the OW who is now returning to her husband to fix her marriage because they live together with their children.

I really think from everything you have said you need to go NC and move on, as another poster said it may feel like if you give this man another chance your immediate hurt would go away but it must take a lot to forgive someone for nine months of betrayal and I doubt you will ever feel better in this relationship, it certainly would never be the same for you.

bluecashmere Tue 12-Jul-16 13:54:47

He's making excuses. As PP said, he chose to start this relationship. It didn't just happen.

And who is he to decide whether the damage can be repaired?! He caused the damage. Please take control back and cut him off.

You will look back on the excuses you are making for him in the future and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

adora1 Tue 12-Jul-16 13:58:54

So even after his 9 month affair he doesn't know if you and him are fixable, that should tell you all you need to know OP to cut him off, if he really cares about you he'd be on his hands and knees begging forgiveness.

People who cheat have an excuse, that's all it is though, it doesn't admonish them from their cheating and betrayal, that will never go away.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Jul-16 14:24:43

Just in case he makes it all about him don't feel guilty about the so-called 'issues' he alluded to, there are no extenuating circumstances that make it all right to cheat. While he is proclaiming he is upset, remember, it is a perfectly normal human emotion to be shocked and hurt after being betrayed.

smilingeyes11 Tue 12-Jul-16 14:35:19

the amount of stages it takes to get to an affair, all those decisions he gave himself permission to make. He didn't just fall over and land in her after one bad judgement call. And blaming you for being a cheat - that really is the lowest of the low.

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